BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

 POLITICS  Comments Off on BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10
Aug 202015
 
BCS Terrorists

BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

By Sheraz Khan

@TheOkranews

 

BCS TerroristsNew York (NY)—The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) officially listed its Top 10 terrorists for the 2015-2016 season. To no surprise, ISIL took top honors and will be ranked for the upcoming year as the #1 team in the world.

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS), a selection system used to create the five major annual matchups in college football, was discontinued by the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) in 2014 after 15 seasons. However, after a one year lay-off, state governments decided to revitalize the computational application this past June, insistent on using a more effective method to determine the best terrorist organizations in the world.

“It really is a new chapter in our program,” said Tom Mickelson, Vice-President of Operations for the BCS. “We kind of new our days were numbered with the NCAA because of the controversies our system rendered throughout the years. But we believe the BCS still has a place to fill in society and are more than honored to rank the best terrorists in the world.”

While BCS committee members would not elaborate on the complex algorithm used to determine this season’s terrorist rankings, they did confirm that the amount of bloodshed, number of fatalities and casualties as well as regional impact of fear were not the only factors used to determine the order. “Our mathematical process also included the variable levels of annoyance, aloofness, defiance, bantering, and arguing for no reason or stating bizarre uncorroborated statements,” said Sheila McBride, Senior Vice-President of Communications for the BCS. However, she would not comment on a possible change to the BCS name, from ‘BCS’ to ‘TCS’ or Terrorist Championship Series. Rankings as of August 21:

Week 1 Ranking

August 8

Recognized Terrorist Organization

Opponent Week 1

United Nations Poll

1

ISIL

Civilization

1

2

White Supremacists

Black Church, Tulsa, OK

2

3

Yisrael Beiteinu PP (Israel)

Hamas

5

4

English Defense League (UK)

London Muslims

6

5

Boko Haram

St. Mary’s All-Girls school Kano, Nigeria

4

6

Donald Trump

Mexico

7

7

Lion Hunters

Mufasa

10

8

FOX News

A Brain

3

9

Gay Muslims

God

9

10

Movie Shooters

Bye

8

*Game will air 8pm (EST), Saturday on FOX and will be played 24 hours a day for the next 7 days. Check local listings for channel.

Not entering the BCS rankings and slipping out of the United Nations top 10 poll for the first time in 13 years was Al-Qaeda, considered the “Alabama of global terrorism” in the previous decade. With the loss of Taliban support and the rise of ISIL, the worldwide sleeper-cell organization has been in a rebuilding phase for much of the past few years. “It’s been tough and rather hard for the fans who expect us to compete for the title each year,” said Abdul Muhammad Ibn Zaqiri, Counter-Offensive Destruction Coordinator. “But we have some good 5 star recruits that have given us their commitment to join and want to be a part of the Al-Qaeda terrorist legacy.” Others not making the top 10 ranking were the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (FARQ), the Jewish Defense League (JDL) and Confederate Flag advocates.

During the discussion of his recruiting class which includes the #3, #5 and #17 best young terrorists of 2016, ISIL head coach, Yasir “Papa Bear” El-Fadhli said in a press conference today his team is ready but is still trying to take each week with realistic expectations. “Are we good? Absolutely,” said El-Fadhli. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nobody gets an award as the #1 team during the first week of the season. It’s how you finish that counts.”

 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

 POLITICS  Comments Off on Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate
Nov 062014
 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

By Ray Hamza

@TheOkraNews

#MuslimsLoveRepublicans

Muslims to CanadaDC—Just hours after Tuesday night’s announcement that Republicans would have majority control over the House of Representatives and Senate, American Muslims began to pack their bags, rent out their homes and drive to the only country which they consider safe—Canada.

“I’m not going to deal with this shit again,” said Selmaan Ansari, Press Secretary of the Islamic Action Committee for Political Rights (IACPR) at its Georgetown headquarters, referring to the 2002 GOP controlled Congress which spiked an increase of Muslim discrimination, profiling and Senator John McCain publicly singing “Bomb Iran” a parody to the Beach Boys 1965 cover classic “Barbara Ann.” Ansari echoed sentiments by many Islamic organizations who have been subtly requesting a short hiatus for all Muslims to leave the United States and head to the Great White North.  “Look, I know it’s not convenient for many of us who are working and raising families in this country. But do we really want to hear the incessant banter about the invasion of Sharia law and supposed new Al-Qaeda high school recruits from this obnoxious bunch for the next two years? Not me. I hear Winnipeg is lovely in Spring.”

While the GOP is not the only political party that has frowned upon the rise of Islam in the United States, it’s safe to say that all the others are GOP affiliates. From Oklahoma Rep. John Bennett cautioning people to be “wary” of Muslims, to Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina equating all Muslim-Americans with the terrorists who committed the September 11th attacks, the Right has not been a friend to many. Mid-term key victories by Republicans this past week have created stress and paranoia for many Muslims who don’t want to be a part of another Spanish Inquisition.

“Right now I’m not thinking about the economy or the loss on financial aid for education. I’m thinking on how fast I can get to the Canadian border,” said Arif Hania, a mechanical engineer for Kimberley Clark and a resident of Savannah, Georgia. “Because tomorrow, Congress will pass a law that being a Muslim is anti-American and all the red-necks this part of the country are going to get medieval on me real quick.”

“While we advocate democracy and comply by the laws of this fine country with regards to the liberty of voting and free elections, we also recognize the need to get the hell out of here,” said Ibrahim Khan, President of the United Alliance of Muslim Americans (UAMA) in Phoenix. UAMA held a press release Thursday morning concerned with the impact a Republican led Congress (the largest number of seats since WWII) would do to Islam in America. Khan stressed the anxiety Muslims have had with the GOP citing a 2013 article in the Washington Times which reported the lack of trust between the two. “Honestly, I’m sure many Republican politicians have no issues with Muslims. But they usually make a cattle-call to all the nuts in this country firing them up with crazy rhetoric on American values and the need to maintain the evangelical way. That’s how they get votes.”

In Ottawa, the Canadian Parliament was overwhelmed and dumbfounded by the sudden influx of Muslims. Many were surprised by the large numbers crossing the border, with some immediately looking for jobs. “I guess we’re flattered, eh?” said Brian LeClaire, a member of the New Democratic Party Caucus in Manitoba who was unaware of the now labelled, American-Muslim Diaspora. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from border patrol complaining of cars backed up for 10 miles fighting to get in. “Finally Canada is getting respect.”

Not all Muslims decided to take an absence of leave in another country. The Mumin mosque of Pittsburgh is encouraging people to stay and work with the fresh batch of incoming Republican Congressmen in order to eradicate usual stereotypes and misconceptions of Islam. After prayer services on Wednesday night, Imam Muhammad Al-Sheikh spoke on the necessity for all Muslims to stay in the United States and to continue the endeavor of working with everyone regardless of denomination or political party. Only two people were in attendance.

 

THE REVISED TOP 10 MOVIES OF ALL-TIME WHICH MAKE MUSLIMS AND ARABS LOOK REALLY BROKE

 ENTERTAINMENT  Comments Off on THE REVISED TOP 10 MOVIES OF ALL-TIME WHICH MAKE MUSLIMS AND ARABS LOOK REALLY BROKE
Sep 182014
 
Title picture

THE REVISED TOP 10 MOVIES OF ALL-TIME WHICH MAKE MUSLIMS AND ARABS LOOK REALLY BROKE

By the Okra News Staff

@TheOkranews

Title pictureAs the world turns its attention, yet again, to the Middle East with the rise of Al-Qaeda’s little brother, ISIS as the new rebels in town, America and Hollywood are possibly getting ready for the next chapter in fighting the Muslim world with tons of scripts and screenplays to produce movies that will frighten moviegoers and all those influenced by entertainment with no substance. Islam bashing has become a part of cinematic tradition in the United States. Ever since Rudolph Valentino’s 1921 role in The Sheikh, Islamaphobia and “Arabploitation” much like Blaxploitation, Hollywood has had a steady hand in denigrating Muslims. It’s probably less in recent years and in some circumstances such as Zero Dark Thirty, it’s worked on the balance. But let’s not think we’re over the hump. We can expect more. In the meantime, let’s pause for a moment and give a toast to all those movies, some good and bad, which could have done it right, but blew it. Here’s the Top 10.

10.

Babel (2006) Directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu—

Babel

I wish this film hadn’t made it into the top 10. Maybe if we substituted Navy Seals, the Delta Force or some Chuck Norris movie, it would have eluded the embarrassment. But that would be too easy. Babel, which stars Brat Pitt, and Cate Blanchette, focuses on four very interesting and interrelated stories. Themes include government involvement, love, family and abandonment. As a whole, the screenplay stands on very prominent legs which capture the characters, the plots, and cinematography with stylish grandeur. It did after all win a Golden Globe, for Best Picture Motion-Drama. However, the intimate relationship between an Arab boy and his sister probably left an American audience with a bad taste in their mouth.  The writers didn’t have to take it there. The “there” won’t be revealed; but it’s enough to make most Muslims and Arabs angry yet another caricature had to be added to the barbaric and crude inventory of Muslim imagery.

9.

The Mummy (1999) Directed by Stephen Sommers

the mummy

a poor man’s version to Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Mummy is lame. Of course it went on to gross $416 million at the box office. Based on the usual gimmicks which gets people interested on the Middle East, Egyptology and mummies, the film is a formulaic hunt- for-the golden treasure script filled with heroes, villains, adventurous mythical cities, and…well you know where I’m going with this spiel. Sadly, with all the elements of surprise The Mummy uses to accentuate the excitement, what’s not surprising is the portrayal of Muslims. A warrior, protective and ready to kill, the Arab character, Ardeth Bay never disappoints to uphold the standards of violence and death by keeping it real.

8.

East is East (1999) Directed by Ayub Khan-Din

east is east

we’ve all had experiences with our own families which would at times be considered dysfunctional and downright nuts. But at the end of the day, we’re still family. East is East takes the drama and insanity only a family can muster and shares it with awkwardness and sadness. Ayub Khan-Din, who happens to be a Muslim apparently didn’t hold back when he wrote and directed the story of a Pakistani Muslim family living in England during the early 70s. Like any coming of age movie this one brings it with all the typical stereotypes you would expect; curious teenagers who are experiencing what the “West” has to offer in terms of society and entertainment while reluctantly accepting to live in very strict household with an ill-tempered father who wants nothing more than his children to follow in his traditional and supposed Islamic footsteps. The screenplay is actually marvelous and definitely shares a certain element which many of us who grew up as first generation can sympathize. But Ayub—come on man. The characters are teetering on the extreme marred with the typical bloated attributes of a Muslim patriarch who his family will love or fear but never both.

7.

Back to the Future (1985) Directed by Robert Zemeckis

BACK TO THE FUTURE  1985 Universal/Steven Spielberg film with  Michael  Fox at right and Christopher Lloyd

to be politically correct, or PC, was a pretty hip phase just before the turn of the century. It meant the views and policies of society had to be careful in order to not offend. Its range hovered from the academics to multi-culturalism and affirmative action down to the implications of a “hate speech”, which didn’t make any sense because if the 1st amendment protects the freedom of speech than why would we need to be politically correct in what we addressed regardless if it was hateful or not?

That being said Back to the Future was not made in the PC era, circa 1991. It was made in the 80s when conservative values reigned supreme and so long as you were rich, white, or both, you could do what you wanted. Evidently, movies from the decade displayed a lack of political accountability at its finest. Back to the Future is no different. It had good guy Michael J. Fox playing the affable Marty McFly who gets accidentally transported back to the 1950s in a Delorean time-machine after his friend and inventor gets attacked then killed by…you guessed it—the radical Arab terrorists. And how do we know this? Because one of the bad guys is wearing a keffiyeh. It’s not so much the scene is condescending towards Arabs although that is a valid argument. But it’s intentional. The writers knew perfectly well an article of clothing closely associated to what Americans perceive as Arabic would help solidify the stereotype. This is a classic family movie I suppose. Its legacy has held firm for close to 30 years and its impact on culture has been preserved. But you can’t help speculate what the impression one scene will always have on kids. It may be a moot point given how the world and perceptions have changed since the movie came out. Then again—1985 isn’t far from the future.

6.

Rules of Engagement (2000) Directed by William Friedkin

Rules_of_engagement

The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee summed it up by describing Rules of Engagement as “probably the most racist film ever made against Arabs by Hollywood.” It’s rather upsetting that Friedkin, who directed classics such as The Exorcist and The French Connection, could have contributed to this movie. I would rather believe he was duped. Regardless, the thought of a US Colonel court-martialed for ordering troops to fire in a crowd of Arabs demonstrating at an American embassy only to find out later the Arabs were strapped with guns and ready to attack is ridiculous. It validates the Colonel’s decision to neutralize a group of Arab Muslims because they got wild and killed more marines. Somehow the US military becomes the victim in this circumstance.

5.

Argo (2012) Directed by Ben Affleck—

Argo, film of the week

Ben Affleck is a smart and cool dude. A Boston guy; the kind of guy you could go to a ballgame with, talk and chill. He’s also a pretty decent actor and director. But his 2012 Oscar award winning for best film of the year Argo, based on the CIA rescue attempt of six American nationalists in Tehran during the midst of the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis is just blatantly so wrong. Without flagging a spoiler alert for the remaining 10 people in the country who still haven’t seen this yet, the ending is bristling with overbearing Muslim attitude and stereotypes to the point where much of it is simply a fictional turn of events Hollywood injected to get the action pumping. Iranian men are viewed as boorish ogres prone to violence and vendettas with a sadistic hate towards the United States. It’s the finale where the caper gets thick with heart-wrenching agony as the preparation to escape gets underway to the haunting tune of Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levee Breaks.” The irony is the actual story and what really happened when the Americans made their way through the airport, pass the security and on to the tarmac to board the plane. Watch the movie then read the truth. It’s nothing as it seems.

4.

The Siege (1998) Directed by Edward Zwick

The Siege

just the title makes you realize this is going to be about Muslims. 1998 was a rather volatile year for American foreign relations. In August, American embassies were bombed in Nairobi and Dar Es Salaam, allegedly by Al-Qaeda which left a few hundred dead. The Siege came out conspicuously a few months later. The story—Arab terrorist sleeper cells attack New York. Terrific. There must be a campaign to take a news-worthy incident of sensational proportion and use it as a springboard for entertainment and political messages.  This movie also provides us with some interfaith dialogue when a character is fatally wounded and recites not only the Our Father prayer but throws in “Inshallah” as good gesture—I think. As its base The Siege is very black and white in terms of understanding and compassion towards different religion and people. There are good guys and bad guys with the latter defined not by their criminal record, but by their ancestral record. It’s a shame this film was as accepting as it was and makes you wonder if Islam is just the latest and greatest threat by an identified ethnic religion America has had to encounter since its independence.

3.

Executive Decision (1996) Directed by Stuart Baird

Executive_Decision

No raspberry list of horrible movies can be complete unless Executive Decision is in it. Forget the worst movies depicting Muslims and Arabs. This one just sucks. A Greek and Lithuanian play the most feared Arab bad guys, El Sayed Jaffa and his lieutenant Nagi Hassan. That dooms the movie. Lithuanians make terrible terrorists. Never mind the plot which includes people moving from one plane to another in mid-air or a flight attendant was smart enough to find the sleeper terrorist with the bomb. But a Lithuanian playing a terrorist is just not the right thing to do. If it wasn’t for quintessential ham Steven Seagal’s minor but “powerful” role in this movie, it’s a throw-away. Then again, it might still be. Even Seagal can’t save this one.

2.

Black Sunday (1977) Directed by John Frankenheimer

Black_Sunday

if you can find this one and want to get understand how the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was viewed in the 1970s, look no further than Black Sunday. This could have easily been #1 if it was actually more popular. In a nutshell, Black September, the Palestinian operatives who were blamed for the 1972 Olympics Munich Massacre, have decided to attack American soil by detonating a bomb at the Orange Bowl during Super Bowl X. Talk about going for the trifecta of ultimate victims: The United States, Israel and the NFL. How much more do you need in terms of sensitivity to the American audience than these three holy entities.

This movie reads like a checklist of Muslim terrorism: Palestinian operatives planning to bomb an extravagant event—check. Operatives discussing suicide bombings—check. Operatives attempt to kill a patient at a hospital—check. A Goodyear blimp strapped with a bomb and steel darts—double check. Thankfully, Super Bowl X was played. The Steelers beat the Cowboys 21-17. How a movie with such callous bias and animosity towards Palestinians was ever made defines an era when paranoia was running rampant. But it also demonstrates the fabrication created to build a doomsday scenario when in reality it had no merit. Black September unofficially disbanded in 1973. The PLO had accepted a two state solution by the mid-70s an early indication of moving towards peace with Israel. And yet, instigators were still out in full force to try and bolster the fear factor of crazy Arabs and Muslims.

1.

True Lies (1994) Directed by James Cameron

true lies

without a doubt and since its release almost 20 years ago, True Lies stands the test of time and comes in at #1. We’re so familiar with this film it’s passed down by generation in many Muslim households. The older it gets the better it ages with fine racism and juicy scenes of anti-Arab sentiments, or for those haters, anti-Arab celebrations.  If you want to sum up the film quickly—boneheaded comedy, sex and violence. It’s not surprising why it holds a 72% favorable rating on Rotten Tomatoes. 72%!

The story is extremely transparent and despicable, utilizing “Middle-Easterners” as people hell bent on gaining nuclear weapons for world destruction with the very least on destroying the United States. Crimson Jihad is their name. Crimson Jihad—why crimson? Laughable. It’s a Schwarzenegger film so not much is expected with the plot in terms of depth and detail. But to use the typical stereotypes of Muslims and Arabs so nonchalantly and excessively is beyond imagination.

James Cameron movies aren’t what I would call intellectual stimulation. He made Avatar, which was basically a Smurf movie for adults and the bad but so good Point Break. Action is what defines a Cameron movie. True Lies is very much a part of his family. It too can be found on any television channel just about every week; one of those movies to pass the time with before going out for dinner or attending a birthday party. But the message is clear. We know who evil is and what it wants to do—a negative portrayal at its best.

Jun 262014
 

United Nations Diplomat Pleads with ISIS to Join Tinder—Says Meeting Hot Single Girls Might Quell Violence

By Annissa Gorani

@TheOkranews

Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 9.50.59 PMBaghdad (Iraq)—A diplomat for the United Nations urged radical insurgents, ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, to halt its month long conflict in the Middle East by subscribing to the wildly popular mobile social application Tinder.

UN representative Tarek Mahmoud Sheikh, who has been in talks with ISIS Chief Communications operative Rashed El-Wakel, insisted the jihadist group, which in recent weeks has taken over large portions of northern and western Iraq, needs to divert their attention elsewhere. He suggested Tinder as an outlet to their insurgency revolt where they could spend time chatting online to interesting women primarily in the United States.

“ISIS is run predominantly by young men who are mostly single and active. But they are also surrounded by dudes all day,” said Sheikh. Why can’t they just take the time to meet some nice ladies and focus their attention on getting to know someone?”

ISIS is a group of Sunni jihadists who seek to create an Islamic state in eastern Syria and northern Iraq based on sharia law. Thus far, the group has captured territory from the outskirts of Aleppo in eastern Syria to Fallujah in southern Iraq. But while ISIS has made international news as an added layer of instigators to an already turbulent region, Sheikh has seen the opportunity to bring technology and attractive women as a relief to the mind-numbing casualties of conflict.

“It’s really, pretty simple. The men in ISIS have never had chances to explore and see the brighter side to life because of their environments and upbringing,” Sheikh said. “With Tinder, they can relax and stop thinking about how to raise hell. They can actually act like red-blooded American guys and just kick it with some friendly girls.” However, the idea of utilizing the social site known for arousing the flirtatious curiosity of millions of twenty and thirty-something minds hasn’t gone over well with the ISIS leaders.

“It’s never going to work. Why would our men want to give up fighting and start messaging cute blondes in London,” said Dean al-Maliki, Central Weapons Logistics Commander of ISIS, who was appalled but did register with Tinder. “I’ve gone on to the site about ten times, and in no way did I see anything that I was like really into, like a lot.” Al-Maliki, 48, did admit he gets mildly excited when he receives Tinder emails from new people. “I’ll receive four or five a day,” he said, using “Love Will Keep Us Together” by The Captain and Tennille as his inbox ringtone.

A spokesperson for Tinder did not respond to calls from The Okra, but released a press statement encouraging all militant groups to put down their guns turn on their mobile phones and access the application where all “your fantasies can come true” with a few clicks of the buttons.

While Sheikh has not confirmed if Tinder has been accepted as a band-aid solution to alleviate ISIS fighting, sources have told him it’s definitely on the table as a possibility with unconfirmed reports of ISIS soldiers getting in trouble from squad leaders for staying up at night and talking loudly with college girls on Tinder. “We’re not giving up on ISIS. We have to believe that some really good looking girls can be a part of the solution and help these men stop fighting.” He went on to recommend that Tinder could be also helpful to the Syrian government who for over two years has gone ballistic on their own people. “If we can’t use social networking as a tool to find peace, than maybe beautiful adventurous girls who like to laugh and want to get to know you maybe our next hope.”

Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

 BUSINESS  Comments Off on Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile
Feb 062014
 

Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

By Farookh Balsarah

Twitter@theokranews

coca cola nobel peace prize muslimsNew York City (NY)—Three advertising executives from the gargantuan global soda maker, Coca Cola, were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after a Muslim woman wearing a hijab appeared in their 1 minute Super Bowl commercial.

The ad, entitled, “America the Beautiful” took liberty at showing a variety of religious and ethnic minorities in the country with the message that the favorite soft drink of choice is shared by a pluralistic and diverse society but who all live and share the same happiness in the United States.

“Omaha!” shouted Jeff Electrick Head Copy Editor of the commercial which has already received over 2.2 million hits on YouTube since its debut this past Sunday. “If I knew that all it took to get considered for a Peace Prize was to get some dame wearing a scarf on her head to smile at the camera for one second, I would have been Mother Teresa’s level 10 years ago!”

Along with Electrick, 41, senior creative director Clark Lyte, 42, and junior copywriter Dennis Orkestra, 31, were given recognition and nominations although all three are considered as one potential recipient for the award.

To make Muslims smile has been a concerted effort by multiple international organizations, including the United Nations who has found the task rather cumbersome considering the constant blame Muslims are subjected to on a daily basis. A recent Gallup poll showed close to 77% of Muslims are disgruntled by their image in the media specifically being blamed for terrorist threats, violently objecting to derogatory Islamic cartoons and ruining birthday parties.

“As our world becomes smaller with the advancement of technology, we face a severe epidemic of frowning Muslims. They remind me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,” said former United Nations Secretary-General Koffi Annan. “I believe Coca-Cola has taken the right steps to get us there.”

The ad executives said they had no idea the impact a one second cameo by a Muslim woman would have and began to get tweets of appreciation from thousands of Muslims during halftime of the Superbowl. Notable tweets were received from the Prime Ministers of Jordan and Indonesia, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the head of Hezbollah. Al-Qaeda simply wrote- “Thanks for the props Coke. Got the warm fuzzies.”

“We were eating at Taco Bell after the game, when I received a text from our boss that read ‘what the f**k did U do!’ He had a lot of exclamation points,” said Orkestra who was certain the commercial was a bomb and that he would most likely get fired. “I told Clark we should get our things from the office now because I didn’t think we would be allowed back to work. But man, was I wrong.”

On Tuesday, former President of the United States, Jimmy Carter submitted a nomination at the deadline on behalf of the ad group, Eletrick Lyte Orkestra, to the Norwegian Nobel Committee for consideration on the annual award which has been previously given out to heads of states, religious figureheads, and global activists. If selected, it would mark the first time an individual/entity from a highly profitable and exploitive company would receive the laureate.

“Finally someone made us smile,” said Umair Basha, Assistant Communications Director for the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA). “It’s nice to have one of your own in a mega commercial.”

Since the beginning of the week Coca-Cola shares have continued to rise on massive optimism particularly fueled from billionaire Muslim investors who feel special that someone has acknowledged them in a positive light. Despite not realizing Coca-Cola’s marketing team had discovered the American Muslim demographic to be one of the wealthiest based on per capita, most Muslims are thrilled they may be taken as part of the American family.

Coca-Cola is allegedly now working on a new ad with the Taliban which will reenact the storyline from their 1979 classic commercial featuring “Mean” Joe Greene only this time the Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers’ defensive end will be replaced by a Taliban soldier who has just beaten the shit out of a high-schooler for reading a book. As he completes his treacherous flogging, a 7 year holding a bottle of Coke offers him the drink to quench his thirst, to which the soldier smiles and gives his machete to the kid in exchange. Coca-Cola denies this report.