GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected
By Qaiser Sosse
Washington, DC— Despite a week-long concerted campaign by many conservative Republicans to promote a better America, the Grand Old Party (GOP) was notified yesterday afternoon that online retail giant, Amazon, will not use its drones to hunt and attack ethnic minorities and in particular, Muslims, who behave badly.
“We are definitely disappointed by their [Amazon] decision,” said GOP spokesperson Don Mather. “It’s unfortunate they couldn’t see it our way.”
Last Sunday, 60 Minutes ran an interview with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who discussed the future of unmanned drones delivering lightweight parcels to Amazon customers. The objective was to provide an alternative, more effective and timely method for the shipment of orders within a 10 mile radius.
Even before the segment with Bezos ended, GOP representatives had jumped on the phones with Amazon Product Management and proposed the drones, also known as ‘octocopters’, be equipped with ammunition that could deter minorities from “not acting like Americans.”
According to Peter Hamm, GOP assistant Press Secretary, examples of such behavior would be limited to only public places. “We are in no way denying any individual their rights and pursuit of happiness within the confines of their own homes,” said Hamm. But at the same time, when Mexicans conduct cock fights in alleys, African-Americans become loud and obnoxious in shopping malls and when Muslims decide to use a bull horn to announce the call of prayer in a quiet neighborhood, we have to look at these barbaric acts and prevent them.”
When Hamm was told his examples were simply bigoted stereotypes from the far right, he scoffed. “Come on. I’ve seen enough movies to know these things are real.”
Hamm went on to say the GOP never intended for the deterrence to physically harm targeted recipients. Instead, the choice of weapon was the Laser Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) missile, made up of energized electrons and ions which uses laser pulses to create pellets of plasma that can potentially incapacitate, offset or disorientate a person.
“If a caucasian were to witness an un-American event, all they would need to do would be to call a toll-free hotline number to notify Amazon, who would then GPS the target and deploy the drones.
“It’s really not bad. All that happens is a minority gets stunned for a little while, perhaps no more than 2 minutes. Then they regain consciousness and go about their lives again. It’s pretty safe.”
Reaction to the proposed idea was swift and critical. “Respectfully speaking, they’re fucking nuts,” said Hamed Daudi, Chairperson of the The Arab Muslim Policy Institute (AMPI), a political think tank based in Washington, DC. “Nothing surprises me anymore. But in my 35 year career of trying to work with Republican Neocons on Muslim advancement in the United States, this has got to take the cake.”
“It’s because of folks like these, our organization will never go out of business,” said Sawyer Hadley, Midwestern Board Director for the NAACP, the nation’s oldest and largest civil rights group. “You have to almost thank them for being so diabolical and racist. It definitely makes it interesting to go into work each morning.”
Amazon has not commented to the controversy only stating in a press release that its company and service is for everyone regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. In the meantime, the GOP will work with clothing retailers and constant instigators on all forms of discrimination, Abercrombie & Fitch, to release an all-white clothing line for only beautiful people which will coincide with Christmas and New Year Eve parties.