43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

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Jan 212014

43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

By Hannah Rizwi

bachelor, san jose, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Spring Break, bikinis, hejab, zumba, University of California, muslim girls, social mediaSan Jose (CA) — A 43 year-old Muslim bachelor, who for years had been celebrating the single life, has decided he wants to settle down and marry a woman nearly half his age.

Sami Shareef, a resident of Fruitdale, California and a Senior Security Engineer for Cisco, declared his biggest goal for 2014 would be to please his parents, who had all but given up on their only son after they found a picture last year in his Instagram account of Shareef in Acapulco, Mexico. He was wearing a sombrero with two women dressed in bikinis on his lap. The digital photo album was titled Spring Break Biaaatch-2013.

“I was shocked when I saw the photos, but it only confirmed my thoughts about him,” said Shareef’s father Ather. “I knew he was the fraternizing type over a decade ago when he came into our home for an Eid Al-Adha party dressed in a toga, even though he claimed it was an ihram,” the elder Shareef stated, referring to the white garments all Muslim men wear when attending the annual pilgrimage of Hajj. “God really had a sense of humor when He made Sammi.”

While he has not mentioned any one woman specifically, Shareef, who is also called by his friends as ‘Good Times Sammi’, said he was reluctant to find someone closer his age as he believes older women are much pickier and tend to be finicky with their selection. “Honestly, I just couldn’t see it happening. I think I’m much more flexible than they are,” Shareef asserted. “All I want is a simple Muslim girl who is religious, but loves to party; a girl who wears hijab but can also convert it into a mini-skirt. And she has to kind of look like Heidi Klum. It’s a very meager request. I’ve become humble.”

The news of Shareef’s intentions met with hysterical laughter from just about all Muslim women in the San Jose area. “He has got to be out of his mind,” said Hina Malik, a 26 year-old dentist from Cupertino. “Look at him! Only an airhead would go for this guy.” Malik was quick to note the hundreds of selfies Shareef posted on Facebook, including one video of him in a Zumba tank top flexing his biceps and calling them ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction.’

“He’s 43 and I’m 28,” said Sarah Basool, an attorney from Sunnyvale when asked if she would consider Shareef. “Talk about rocking the cradle.” Basool said there is no girl with common sense that would ever marry him let alone think its not creepy. “He graduated high school in 1989 when I was 3 years old! Ewwwww.”

“This man appears to be somewhat cocky and most likely a self-inflicting narcissist,” said Dr. Osama Nadar, a clinical psychologist at the University of California in Berkeley . “While the significant gap in age between two spouses is not unheard of in America, in Mr. Shareef’s case, its all about vanity.” Nadar described Shareef as a person similar to many older single males who’s ego most likely was massively rejuvenated through the conception of social media in the early 2000s. “Normally these macho types probably hit rock bottom when they get to 35 as they realized they were just a shadow of their youth. But the internet has changed all that. Now a man who’s well beyond his prime can act and feel immature as much as he wants through the comfort of images he posts. That’s priceless.”

However, Shareef insists he has grown up and become everything he wanted to be.
“I’ve definitely changed. I have a job. I only go to Mardi Gras every other year and frat parties have been reduced to only once a month. I even stopped dressing as a leprechaun for St. Patty’s day back in 2011,” Shareef said. “So I think its now time for that one lucky lady to find out what Good Times Sammi is all about!”

Nov 222013

Sunday School Teacher Tries to Show Foolishness Playing the Lottery, Wins Big Time—Not Giving Up the Money

By Nazia Ali

Florida 2 lotteryJupiter, FL— A Muslim Sunday School teacher, who attempted to demonstrate the stupidity of playing the Florida State Lottery, won $15 million last Saturday night, when all numbers on his ticket hit.

Sameer Bashiri, a resident of Jupiter and an electrical engineer for Siemens, went wild according to his wife, after the last number, which happened to be 18, popped out of the ping pong ball air machine. “He could not stop screaming,” Mona Bashiri said.”It was as if someone lit his boxers on fire.” Mrs. Bashiri said her husband completely became hysterical and started talking to the ticket after he settled down, caressing and calling it his baby.

Bashiri, 56, who volunteered as a history teacher for 10th grade students at the Islamic Center of Palm Beach (ICPB) had been a fervent opponent of gambling especially with the lottery which Bashiri called the “Devil’s Slot Machine.” In July of this year, as an act of defiance, Bashiri refused to teach Hussein Rehab, a student who was given a lottery ticket from his older brother, even though no one, not even Rehab believed he had a chance to win. According to the New York Times, the odds of winning a 6 draw power ball lottery are 1 in 175 million. While Rehab did not win, he was suspended from the class, as Bashiri was adamant of having no association with a degenerate.

Last Sunday afternoon, Bashiri walked with his students to a local 7-Eleven, purchased a lottery ticket for $1 then went on to admonish the dangers of gambling and its prohibition in Islam. He then rambled on to point out how a small piece of paper made people act crazy and tense because they believed they would become rich. When one student asked what he would do if he were to win, Bashiri laughed and said according to multiple sources, “there’s no way I’m going to win—but if I did, I will donate all the money to some non-Muslim charity.”

However, at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Bashiri’s lawyer, Vince Riablo, said his client has no intention of giving up the money. When told of the ICPB’s board threat to remove Bashiri from his position as a teacher if he does not surrender his winnings, Riablo confirmed Bashiri wasn’t concerned at all. “Yeah, I don’t think he gives a shit.”

21 year-old Sumaiya, Bashiri’s oldest daughter, said her father’s new multi-millionaire status has put him on a  bender, which has included purchasing a Yacht, a Llama, owning all the publishing music rights to Florida hard-rock band Creed and partying with Lebron James. “If anyone wants to see my dad, they just have to turn on the television and watch the Miami Heat games. He sits on the bench with all the players. I would say its an understatement to say he’s having the time of his life.”

So far whereabouts of Bashiri have been unsubstantiated but reports had relocated to Ibiza where he plans to start a new career as a DJ.

73% of American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football lineups during Prayer Services

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Sep 162013

Dallas, TX— Noah, Jesus, and Mary, highly respected individuals in the Quran, have taken a backseat to Megatron, Matty Ice and AP as a recent survey reported 71% American Muslim males tend to deeply think of fantasy football lineups during prayer services.

Minaret Sports and Science Research (MSSR) in San Jose, CA surveyed 1000 American Muslim men between the ages of 18-50 from September-December 2012 to determine how honest and sincere they were to God during the 5 standard obligatory prayers. Overwhelmingly, more than 70% of respondents claimed thoughts were on fantasy football leagues and if their roster was ready to contest with the opponent of the week. The figure dipped to less than half at 48.5% after Sunday night, but quickly increased as the days progressed throughout the week. An exclusive Saturday sample showed 87% were honed in on their games for Sunday while observing prayers.

American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football Lineup During Prayer Services

Javid, a 34 year- old Dentist who wished to remain anonymous says that prayers are really the only opportunity during his hectic day of thinking about his team. “Between work, spending time with family and just trying to keep everything from getting crazy, salat is unfortunately the time to reflect on my team” he said rather ashamedly. ” I know I should be connecting with God—but right now I’m thinking about not starting Pat Fitzgerald (WR, Cardinals) against the 49ers great D. Man, I don’t know.”

Dr. Hamid Badawi, a psychologist at MSSR says during football season, stated it’s typical to see males gravitate towards obsession with the game and that competitiveness has a lot to do with it. “They’re men, regardless if they’re Muslim or not. They are focused on beating their friends.” Badawi says that while Fantasy football is simply yet another sports game to build camaraderie it can also be addictive, citing the 87% statistic for Saturday prayers as someone who is unconsciously going through the motions of prayer. “The man is so deep in football thought he couldn’t tell you if he was in the mosque or driving in his car. He’s completely oblivious to the outside for that brief point in time. It’s like some Sufi trance.”

Khalid Mirza, 46, came to the realization that his fantasy football playing was taking over his mind, making him giddy, sad, happy and angry as soon as he started to pray. He decided to hang it up and walked away despite winning 3 championships in 10 years as part of a 12-team conference. “I realized that I was in trouble when my dad asked me to lead prayers at a party and couldn’t remember Fatiha [the opening and most elementary verses for all prayers] because I kept thinking Brady should light up the Jets for at least 300 yards on Monday night. My dad was so pissed! He said I should take Lithium.” Mirza said he has not played in over 3 years even though he gets calls from his friends for advice on players. “Do I miss it? Absolutely. But I couldn’t control myself. I mean when you’re standing for over 10 minutes listening to someone recite Old Arabic and have no clue what he’s saying, the outlet is fantasy strategy. Still—it doesn’t make it right.”

While Muslim Community Centers have shrugged off Fantasy football as a novelty and have avoided any terms such as ‘epidemic’, some are concerned that it’s demonstrating a bad example to kids. Syra Ali, a mom and board member for Al-Ansar mosque in Freemont, CA says while her 14-year old son and husband both have fantasy football teams and spend great amount of time with each other talking ‘shop’, she’s scared their obligation to pray is mitigating. “I watched a college student Sunday afternoon complete his prayers in 20 seconds then turn his smart phone on so he could get the scores for the games. It takes usually takes 5-7 minutes to complete any one prayer. 20 seconds!” Ali says that if she sees any more “Fast and Furious” style of praying, she will request for a fatwa to ban fantasy football.