Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

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Jul 302014
 

Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

An op-ed by the Tiny Minority of Pro-Israel Supporters

@Theokranews

Israeli supporters 2As we head into the third week of a poor man’s intifada, one cannot avoid the violence and pools of blood that blemish the roads and hilltops throughout this beautiful region. We have witnessed children killed, families separated and the horror of bombs dropped every 10 minutes. We constantly look at the sky and then seek shelter. We pray to the end of the destruction and the agony of those who have been inflicted by pain from all the suffering. Most importantly we say with courage to the people from the Light unto Nations—stay strong. And damn you Hamas.

Hamas you have made things so tough for Israel. We sit here and loathe the day you ever took control of Gaza through an official Palestinian legislative election in which you received 440,000 votes, nearly 44% of the constituency. Yes, we know it’s official. But you’re not getting a fruit basket from us. Were we surprised when you removed the declaration of wiping Israel from the map in your new manifesto which completely nullified the very same statement in the preamble to your 1988 charter? Yes! There was more of a chance for LeBron James to play in the WNBA than for you to make such a bold and positive change. But then you had the balls to take your rage one step further in 2012 and work with Fatah to squash your differences.  Was this an attempt to become more legitimate and to start a new chapter of dialogue? Maybe. But it’s not going to happen because we won’t let it. There is no need for a talk when it is a scientific fact your organization is comprised of terrorists.

Don’t think your change in attitude will fool us. You deserve the economic blockade imposed on you since you were sworn into office even though we kind of figured just about everyone in Gaza is not associated with Hamas. There’s not a gallon of milk you can purchase for kids in school that will allow us to overlook your malevolent actions. Your limited movement from one fence line to the next and inspections at checkpoints for anyone under 50 is a testament to the safety we maintain for the Palestinian people. If they can’t go anywhere than we know they are secure. We make sure that all goods are inspected before they proceed into Gaza. All infrastructure, gas and electricity are minimal. I mean how much do you really need anyways? And while the United Nations, the United Nations Human Rights Council, The Red Cross, Desmond Tutu, Russell Brand, Penelope Cruz, John Cusack, Chuck D and John Legend consider this blockade a collective punishment and illegal, just remember, ‘flotilla’ rhymes with ‘vanilla’ and earns you 11 points in Scrabble.

israeli owl

Baatz blames his pain and anguish on Hamas

We show compassion time and time again. When your hand-rolled $800 missiles that look more like bottle rockets come into Israel but are shot down by our $180 million Iron Dome System (thank you Detroit!), we show no animosity.  Before we invade Gaza, we demonstrate the decency by providing leaflets which warn Palestinians to evacuate the area before we annihilate the homes they will never see again. We even drop smaller bombs before the bigger ones just to let them get a small taste of what’s really coming. But when a long-eared owl by the name of Baatz gets injured from a delayed mortar attack in Nirim and has to be rushed to an animal hospital to save it from dying, there is no compassion. How dare you speak of the occupation, the atrocities and the 1000 civilians’ deaths in Gaza this past month when an innocent owl was seriously injured?! Luckily Baatz is now in stable condition and has the best doctors in the world tending to his needs. But what if he hadn’t survived? Could you live with yourself Hamas to have the blood of an Israeli owl on your hands? Could you deal with the pain and suffering of Baatz? I think not.

As a minority of ardent supporters who love shwarmas and Chuck Norris, we are committed to protecting Israel and advocating that the only peace is a one-sided solution in which we ask the questions and you give the reply. So please stop Hamas—it’s making the situation dire. While your popularity rises as Israel’s blatant control of the Palestinian National Authority becomes more evident, you cannot win the world over. As soundtrack king Kenny Loggins and ex-front man falsetto God Steve Perry sang together in the summer of 1983, “Don’t fight it—it’ll do your heart no good.” Listen to them—they divinely speak the truth. And always remember—the owl is watching.

Israel Blocks Palestine Involvement in Hunt for Missing Malaysia Airlines—Doesn’t Want Possible Survivors from Getting Weapons

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Mar 122014
 

Israel Blocks Palestine Involvement in Hunt for Missing Malaysia Airlines—Doesn’t Want Possible Survivors from Getting Weapons

By Mazin Sofian
@TheOkraNews

guns and boatsGaza (Palestine)—Despite unrelenting appeal and protests from Palestinians who eagerly want to assist in the search and rescue for the missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370, Israel has blocked Palestinian boats from participating in the global mission for fear they may supply the passengers, if found, with weapons which they could use to wipe out Jerusalem .
The possibility of an attack by possible survivors of the 777 Boeing airplane, which inexplicably lost all communications this past Saturday at around 1:40 a.m. and vanished while on route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing, was confirmed in a statement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). As of Thursday morning, Palestinian ports were being monitored for departure and entrance.
“It is in our best interest to protect a possible strike on the capital by preventing left-wing factions of the Palestinian Authority to arm surviving passengers,” commented Mickey Rosenfield, Deputy Director of the Naval War Service. “We cannot take a chance of being the subject to atrocity if this were to happen.” Rosenfeld reaffirmed he would not take the rather bizarre scenario out of scope and considers it a legitimate threat.

“I think they’re nuts,” said Haythum Nashrawallah, Secretary-General for the Palestine National Security Forces. “We don’t have a Navy. We don’t have carriers to ship the weapons. All we have are fishing boats!” Nashrawallah commented the thought of possible survivors from a plane which disappeared 6 days ago would be miraculous. But the thought of arming them is literally insane. “So let me get this straight. On the boats that we currently have, Israel is concerned we may stockpile them with heavy artillery weapons? And then in the crazy possibility that if there are survivors of the flight, we’re going to train them with the weapons we give them so that they may strike Jerusalem? Yeah—that makes perfect sense.”

The IDF is now investigating Dolphin Terrorist Training

The IDF is now investigating Dolphin Terrorist Training

“I think the Gaza Flotilla incident has made us paranoid, since we never know what’s coming over here or going out,” said Ira Leibovitz, referring to the 2010 raid which Israel conducted on six ships destined from Turkey to Palestine that was sponsored by the Gaza Free Movement and the Foundation for Human Rights and Freedoms and Humanitarian Relief. While the event turned into a fiasco with accusations of onboard armed weapons and detained activists, the thought of foreign pro-Palestinian supporters brining anything over sounds dangerous. “We just don’t take chances anymore even if we’re going to be condemned for our actions. Weapons can be easily taken over by ship. It’s not hard to believe disgruntled survivors are pissed off because their flight went down and are likely to take it out on someone.” When questioned why anyone who survived a fateful plane crash would then want to go after a country they have no issues with, Liebovitz responded “I’m quite certain they will blame us.”
More than 1000 Arab-Americans demonstrated outside the Israeli embassy in Washington DC yesterday to condemn Israel’s refusal for Palestine to participate in the search and rescue, insisting the freedom to help others as their primary cause, but also stating the obvious.
“I still don’t understand the logic to it,” said Ed Saeedi, a civil rights attorney. “Why doesn’t Israel then assume that Palestine will train dolphins to swim out with Widowmakers on their backs and supply that to other people lost at sea?”
Saeedi’s comments were quickly picked up by global media outlets and reported back to the IDF who are now investigating dolphin terrorist training outside the southern Palestinian town of Rafah.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

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Dec 052013
 

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

By Qaiser Sosse

Washington, DC Despite a week-long concerted campaign by many conservative Republicans to promote a better America, the Grand Old Party (GOP) was notified yesterday afternoon that online retail giant, Amazon, will not use its drones to hunt and attack ethnic minorities and in particular, Muslims, who behave badly.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

“We are definitely disappointed by their [Amazon] decision,” said GOP spokesperson Don Mather. “It’s unfortunate they couldn’t see it our way.”

Last Sunday, 60 Minutes ran an interview with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who discussed the future of unmanned drones delivering lightweight parcels to Amazon customers. The objective was to provide an alternative, more effective and timely method for the shipment of orders within a 10 mile radius.

Even before the segment with Bezos ended, GOP representatives had jumped on the phones with Amazon Product Management and proposed the drones, also known as ‘octocopters’, be equipped with ammunition that could deter minorities from “not acting like Americans.”

According to Peter Hamm, GOP assistant Press Secretary, examples of such behavior would be limited to only public places.  “We are in no way denying any individual their rights and pursuit of happiness within the confines of their own homes,” said Hamm. But at the same time, when Mexicans conduct cock fights in alleys, African-Americans become loud and obnoxious in shopping malls and when Muslims decide to use a bull horn to announce the call of prayer in a quiet neighborhood, we have to look at these barbaric acts and prevent them.”

When Hamm was told his examples were simply bigoted stereotypes from the far right, he scoffed. “Come on. I’ve seen enough movies to know these things are real.”

Hamm went on to say the GOP never intended for the deterrence to physically harm targeted recipients. Instead, the choice of weapon was the Laser Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) missile, made up of energized electrons and ions which uses laser pulses to create pellets of plasma that can potentially incapacitate, offset or disorientate a person.

“If a caucasian were to witness an un-American event, all they would need to do would be to call a toll-free hotline number to notify Amazon, who would then GPS the target and deploy the drones.

“It’s really not bad. All that happens is a minority gets stunned for a little while, perhaps no more than 2 minutes. Then they regain consciousness and go about their lives again. It’s pretty safe.”

Reaction to the proposed idea was swift and critical. “Respectfully speaking, they’re fucking nuts,” said Hamed Daudi, Chairperson of the The Arab Muslim Policy Institute (AMPI), a political think tank based in Washington, DC. “Nothing surprises me anymore. But in my 35 year career of trying to work with Republican Neocons on Muslim advancement in the United States, this has got to take the cake.”

“It’s because of folks like these, our organization will never go out of business,” said Sawyer Hadley, Midwestern Board Director for the NAACP, the nation’s oldest and largest civil rights group. “You have to almost thank them for being so diabolical and racist. It definitely makes it interesting to go into work each morning.”

Amazon has not commented to the controversy only stating in a press release that its company and service is for everyone regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. In the meantime, the GOP will work with clothing retailers and constant instigators on all forms of discrimination, Abercrombie & Fitch, to release an all-white clothing line for only beautiful people which will coincide with Christmas and New Year Eve parties.