SPECIAL: Chicago Man Found to Have Bizarre “Fair-Weather Fan” Gene

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Apr 232014

SPECIAL: Chicago Man Found to Have Bizarre “Fair-Weather Fan” Gene

By Haneed Ali—Guest Writer


Chicago (IL)—Thanks to the sweadesi hockey fant induced panic attacks of a man from the Near North suburb of Wilmette, a Chicago research physician has discovered a new but rare gene which can cause young South Asian males to transform into incessantly babbling “Fair-Weather Fans” during the NHL playoff season.

The strain of the gene, possibly associated with a lack of athletic prowess, is not considered lethal but can cause men of Indian, Pakistani or Bengali descent to break out in hives and feel an unnecessary urge to scream ‘Woooooo!’ during the NHL playoffs despite not knowing the difference between a hockey puck and a charred piece of toast, according to Dr. Ahmed Khan of The Northwestern Medical Faculty Foundation.

Khan, who was a finalist for the 2014’s Medical Order of Merit, said the discovery of South Asian men to suffer from the affliction was found in a patient by the name of Mo Hassan who came seeking a treatment for his bizarre fondness of hockey last year. “Sure, they could always discuss the Bulls and Bears even the Cubs every now and then. But what desi gets his panties in a bunch over Stan Makita?” referring to the legendary Chicago Blackhawk’s center who won the most valuable player award, or Hart Memorial Trophy, in 1967 and 1968.

While Hassan is the only patient to have had a full blown outbreak, Khan has observed others who share similar mental patterns: pretending to have followed hockey at a young age; reminiscing and fantasizing about loud and magical old hockey venues, such as Chicago Stadium, despite not ever attending a game; assuming to understand an icing penalty.

“The truth is the “Fair-Weather Fans” gene is a sickness based on a weak chromosome which needs to be addressed,” Khan said. “More and more show up during post-season play, which tells me it could be a seasonal bi-polar disorder.”

But many discount Khan’s research labelling it as absurd.  Dunkin Donuts owner Mateen “Moose” Patel, who is a regular at Blackhawks games, thinks it’s acceptable for South Asian fans to go crazy during hockey playoffs. “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” said Patel wearing a Johnny Oduya jersey.  “Other Chicagoans get excited during this time—why can’t we?”

Hockey fans aren’t the only ones to question Khan’s research.  Dr. Kapadia Lawless, a Professor of Genetics at the University of Chicago who focuses on Gene Development and Regression, considers Khan’s research frivolous and asinine.  “There’s nothing wrong with Mo where he would need mental counseling” Lawless said.  “If anything, Dr. Khan needs to see someone for his insecurity issues.  Nobody needs to be the fan police, especially a quack like him.”

Still Khan is adamant about his disposition on the controversial issue, which according to him, if left untreated, could trigger psychological problems. Khan prescribes South Asian hockey fans to conduct meditative therapy prior to post-season games which includes purchasing Blackhawks paraphernalia,  getting two Blackhawk flags for each car they own and memorizing 4th line defensive pairings. “It’s not a fool-proof plan,” said Khan. “But it’s a start.”

Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

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Mar 072014

Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

By Sossannah Riyaad

footlooseSalt Lake City (UT)—after deliberating for more than 2 hours, Crescent Mosque officially declared dancing as permissible for the Muslim community in Lehi, Utah. Over 200 people, mostly teenagers and some parents rejoiced when the decision was announced at 1 pm (MST) shortly before Friday Prayers.
“Crescent Mosque, in a 6-4 vote, has decided dancing in moderation to be safe,” said Communication Secretary Saffiyah Mulham. “An evaluation still needs to be conducted on whether certain moves such as the Harlem Shake and different genres of music are within acceptable boundaries. But for now, dancing will be allowed.”
The hot and often controversial issue began in the small community just 30 miles outside of Salt Lake City, close to a year ago when 18-year old Senior, Kamran Sultan, a recent transplant from Chicago had suggested the idea to other Muslim high school students after he realized his new home lacked any excitement. His idea didn’t gain much momentum as most kids were afraid to tamper with the religious laws that had been implemented by the town’s respected Turkish Imam, Dr. Rafi Ali.
“I just couldn’t believe there wasn’t anything fun to do here,” said Sultan who claimed he used to dance by himself at a steel mill located just outside the town. “I knew it wasn’t going to be like Chicago, but this was really dead.”
Sultan, who along with his mom, moved in with her brother’s family in Lehi after she lost her job, was initially considered an outcast. He was constantly challenged to fights and playing chicken with tractors. Eventually, his rebel attitude but good-natured ways inspired the kids at school, including the Imam’s daughter, 17-year old, Syma (who reportedly is in love with him) to advocate dancing.
“Kamran has always been a super-cool guy driven to get what he wants,” said Hibbah Nayyab a senior at Alpine High School, and a spot-on doppelganger to Sarah Jessica Parker. “Plus I think he and my bestie Syma are going to get married!”
While many of the youth and even some adults lobbied the proposal for dancing to Crescent board members, Dr. Ali was adamantly opposed and forbade any discussion of it, even stating at a press interview that rock, techno, electronica and hip-hop music were evil, though he quietly avoided mentioning disco. However, Ali’s views changed at a town hall discussion last Sunday when both parties presented their case. While Sultan failed to find any reference to dancing in the Qur’an, he brilliantly used an argument from the school of Shafi which considers dancing as ‘not unlawful unless it is languid.’
“Hey, give credit to the kid [Sultan]. He did his homework and found evidence,” said a noticeably relaxed Ali. “But I felt like I was in a movie with all this drama. Wait, wasn’t this a story in a film?”
“Kamran really opened up the flood gates of happiness around here,” said Taha Jamil, Sultan’s best friend and a frequent wearer of overalls. “He’s not only made all of this happen, but he’s teaching me how to dance!” Jamil said his lessons have been coming well as he has practically completed a choreographed sequence to Kenny Loggin’s “Footloose.”
Despite the decision, Crescent Board did warn co-ed mixers would be heavily chaperoned, which left some a little deflated. However, Sultan said he’s ok with the discrepancy and dancing with caution is better than not dancing at all.
“It’s a start. I think the town is showing progress. Plus it’s better than dancing at a steel mill all alone.”

Movie Critic with IQ of 47 Calls Dhoom 3 ‘Best Movie’ in Years

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Dec 262013

Movie Critic with IQ of 47 Calls Dhoom 3 ‘Best Movie’ in Years

By Tariq Jalil

indian movie criticBarrington, IL — A man with an IQ of 47 has gone on record to say Dhoom 3 is the best movie he’s seen in the last 5 years.

Fazal Qureshi, a 54 year-old self-proclaimed movie critic and a local celebrity of Naperville, Illinois praised the Indian box-office hit, which premiered last Friday in the United Stated, with what he called blissful cinema at its best.

“It was simply heaven,” said an elated Qureshi, who attended the midnight screening with his wife at AMC South Barrington 30 to much fanfare. “I was moved by the acting, the storyline and the choreographed dancing that happened every 15 minutes. Stanley Kubrick couldn’t have made it better.”

Dhoom 3, which ironically, has absolutely nothing to do with Dhoom 2, follows the story of “Chicagoan” Sahir, an Indian man who faces hardship as a child when his father’s circus must foreclose to a bank when he can not repay the loan. Years later, Sahir seeks to get revenge on the bank because it foreclosed on his father’s circus. To repeat— a man is getting revenge on a bank (not a person—but an actual BANK) because it foreclosed on his father’s circus.

“I had sympathy for the protagonist [Sahir], because it must be hard to lose a circus in Chicago since its so competitive,” said Qureshi, who also is a senior sandwich maker at Subway on the weekdays. “But that’s when the action really got intense.”

Qureshi alluded to the movie as one big roller coaster “full of complexity beyond comprehension” and colorful character development, not to mention singing and dancing which had nothing to do with the plot, but gave the audience a chance to actually forget about the movie and focus on something light-hearted.

“It was a good way to give everyone a breather,” he said with relief. “Sometimes you need an escape from the escape. The lip-synched songs and dances helped.”

Qureshi, who recently gave American Hustle 1 star (out of 4), describedThe Wolf of Wall Street in his blog as “overrated and strung out over Leonardo DiCaprio.” He also called 2011 Academy Award nominees for best picture, The Descendants and Midnight in Paris, completely boring and lacking vision. He hopes Dhoom 3 will get the proper respect it deserves.

“Let’s not get ridiculous. It’s not as good as the Godfather. But it’s probably better than Goodfellas and definitely a level above Django Unchained.” Qureshi, who was encouraged by the prospect of new Indian movies coming to the Western market, said Americans are in for a real treat. “I can definitely say that after Slumdog Millionaire the whole world is watching India when it comes to soulful and artistic films!” despite not realizing Slumdog was written and directed by England’s Danny Boyle.

Upcoming Teaser—The 4th installment of Dhoom will be released in the Spring of 2015 and will be titled Dhoom and Dhoomer. The movie will be about two New Delhi idiots and limo drivers Ajay and Vikal, who forget to give a mysterious woman at the airport a black briefcase that holds $20 million rupees. The duo then drive to Mumbai in their 1975 Volkswagen bus to return the briefcase back to the woman while unknowingly being followed by inept criminals.

Nov 082013

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”


Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”


The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”