SPECIAL: Chicago Man Found to Have Bizarre “Fair-Weather Fan” Gene
By Haneed Ali—Guest Writer
Chicago (IL)—Thanks to the sweat induced panic attacks of a man from the Near North suburb of Wilmette, a Chicago research physician has discovered a new but rare gene which can cause young South Asian males to transform into incessantly babbling “Fair-Weather Fans” during the NHL playoff season.
The strain of the gene, possibly associated with a lack of athletic prowess, is not considered lethal but can cause men of Indian, Pakistani or Bengali descent to break out in hives and feel an unnecessary urge to scream ‘Woooooo!’ during the NHL playoffs despite not knowing the difference between a hockey puck and a charred piece of toast, according to Dr. Ahmed Khan of The Northwestern Medical Faculty Foundation.
Khan, who was a finalist for the 2014’s Medical Order of Merit, said the discovery of South Asian men to suffer from the affliction was found in a patient by the name of Mo Hassan who came seeking a treatment for his bizarre fondness of hockey last year. “Sure, they could always discuss the Bulls and Bears even the Cubs every now and then. But what desi gets his panties in a bunch over Stan Makita?” referring to the legendary Chicago Blackhawk’s center who won the most valuable player award, or Hart Memorial Trophy, in 1967 and 1968.
While Hassan is the only patient to have had a full blown outbreak, Khan has observed others who share similar mental patterns: pretending to have followed hockey at a young age; reminiscing and fantasizing about loud and magical old hockey venues, such as Chicago Stadium, despite not ever attending a game; assuming to understand an icing penalty.
“The truth is the “Fair-Weather Fans” gene is a sickness based on a weak chromosome which needs to be addressed,” Khan said. “More and more show up during post-season play, which tells me it could be a seasonal bi-polar disorder.”
But many discount Khan’s research labelling it as absurd. Dunkin Donuts owner Mateen “Moose” Patel, who is a regular at Blackhawks games, thinks it’s acceptable for South Asian fans to go crazy during hockey playoffs. “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” said Patel wearing a Johnny Oduya jersey. “Other Chicagoans get excited during this time—why can’t we?”
Hockey fans aren’t the only ones to question Khan’s research. Dr. Kapadia Lawless, a Professor of Genetics at the University of Chicago who focuses on Gene Development and Regression, considers Khan’s research frivolous and asinine. “There’s nothing wrong with Mo where he would need mental counseling” Lawless said. “If anything, Dr. Khan needs to see someone for his insecurity issues. Nobody needs to be the fan police, especially a quack like him.”
Still Khan is adamant about his disposition on the controversial issue, which according to him, if left untreated, could trigger psychological problems. Khan prescribes South Asian hockey fans to conduct meditative therapy prior to post-season games which includes purchasing Blackhawks paraphernalia, getting two Blackhawk flags for each car they own and memorizing 4th line defensive pairings. “It’s not a fool-proof plan,” said Khan. “But it’s a start.”