BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

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Dec 102015
 

BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

By Shahid Mansouri

@Theokranews

donald-trump-hairNew York (NY)—A fox used regularly as a toupee for Republican nominee Donald Trump left his presidential campaign and is now learning Islam according to multiple sources.  Dirk, a red-haired fox who for the past 8 months had been sitting on Mr. Trump’s head quietly to cover his receding hairline apparently had been very disgusted with the billionaire’s latest comments on banning Muslim immigrants to the United States. The animal decided to part ways with his former employer.”

“I was appalled and offended by Donald’s fierce rhetoric on Muslims,” said Dirk. “Last week while I was sitting quietly on his head pretending to be his hair-piece, his derogatory rhetoric really got to me. I knew right then I had to leave.” While the resignation was somewhat amicable between Dirk and the Trump campaign, most constituents were somewhat surprised the canine decided to study Islam. He is currently at the Islamic Society of Bay Ridge in Brooklyn studying the basics under Imam Abdel Tariq. “I’m not rebelling or sticking it to him [Trump]. I am doing what any fox would do; I am researching the subject before I express an opinion.”

Criticism against Trump has been swift and harsh. GOP candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush as well as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and former Vice-President Dick Cheney were quick to denounce his apparent discrimination. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest later challenged the Republican candidates and said Trump’s proposal “disqualifies him from serving as President,” calling him a carnival baker with fake hair. While Dirk admitted Trump was certainly not a bad guy off camera, he has been rather loud and obnoxious with his radical views for quite some time. He also doesn’t have real hair.

"I couldn't take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore" said Dirk.

“I couldn’t take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore” said Dirk.

This is not the first time an animal was paid to sit on Donald Trump’s head terminated their employment with him. In 2011, a minx refused to do his job when Trump defended police brutality. In 2013, a spray painted raccoon complained how Trump referred to him as the “coon.”  And earlier this year a Mexican chinchilla almost came to physical blows with Trump after the wealthy New York businessman “playfully” asked him if he could mow his lawn. Despite such reported allegations, the Trump Camp has denied the incidents.

“All animals who have nested on the head of Donald Trump and acted as a toupee were always given the proper respect and paid well for their services,” said Natalie Regent, Deputy of Communications for Trump’s presidential campaign. “These are false allegations once again which have been made against Mr. Trump for selfish reasons. He loves animals.” Regent did not comment on Dirk’s replacement, but insisted there were plenty who were seeking the job including a possum and Siamese cat, though there was a concern to the length of their hair.

Dirk has been working on a book called “Hanging with White ISIS”, which accounts his experience with Donald Trump and his supporters. He also plans to spend time touring the country and visiting Islamic Centers. So far he’s been impressed by Muslims Americans. As for a return to a career in acting as a red toupee, Dirk says he has no plans at the moment. But if the opportunity comes up, he will be more careful. “I will be selective and pick individuals who are open-minded and accepting.” There are a lot of crazy people out there. I don’t need to support them.”

 

BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

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Aug 202015
 
BCS Terrorists

BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

By Sheraz Khan

@TheOkranews

 

BCS TerroristsNew York (NY)—The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) officially listed its Top 10 terrorists for the 2015-2016 season. To no surprise, ISIL took top honors and will be ranked for the upcoming year as the #1 team in the world.

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS), a selection system used to create the five major annual matchups in college football, was discontinued by the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) in 2014 after 15 seasons. However, after a one year lay-off, state governments decided to revitalize the computational application this past June, insistent on using a more effective method to determine the best terrorist organizations in the world.

“It really is a new chapter in our program,” said Tom Mickelson, Vice-President of Operations for the BCS. “We kind of new our days were numbered with the NCAA because of the controversies our system rendered throughout the years. But we believe the BCS still has a place to fill in society and are more than honored to rank the best terrorists in the world.”

While BCS committee members would not elaborate on the complex algorithm used to determine this season’s terrorist rankings, they did confirm that the amount of bloodshed, number of fatalities and casualties as well as regional impact of fear were not the only factors used to determine the order. “Our mathematical process also included the variable levels of annoyance, aloofness, defiance, bantering, and arguing for no reason or stating bizarre uncorroborated statements,” said Sheila McBride, Senior Vice-President of Communications for the BCS. However, she would not comment on a possible change to the BCS name, from ‘BCS’ to ‘TCS’ or Terrorist Championship Series. Rankings as of August 21:

Week 1 Ranking

August 8

Recognized Terrorist Organization

Opponent Week 1

United Nations Poll

1

ISIL

Civilization

1

2

White Supremacists

Black Church, Tulsa, OK

2

3

Yisrael Beiteinu PP (Israel)

Hamas

5

4

English Defense League (UK)

London Muslims

6

5

Boko Haram

St. Mary’s All-Girls school Kano, Nigeria

4

6

Donald Trump

Mexico

7

7

Lion Hunters

Mufasa

10

8

FOX News

A Brain

3

9

Gay Muslims

God

9

10

Movie Shooters

Bye

8

*Game will air 8pm (EST), Saturday on FOX and will be played 24 hours a day for the next 7 days. Check local listings for channel.

Not entering the BCS rankings and slipping out of the United Nations top 10 poll for the first time in 13 years was Al-Qaeda, considered the “Alabama of global terrorism” in the previous decade. With the loss of Taliban support and the rise of ISIL, the worldwide sleeper-cell organization has been in a rebuilding phase for much of the past few years. “It’s been tough and rather hard for the fans who expect us to compete for the title each year,” said Abdul Muhammad Ibn Zaqiri, Counter-Offensive Destruction Coordinator. “But we have some good 5 star recruits that have given us their commitment to join and want to be a part of the Al-Qaeda terrorist legacy.” Others not making the top 10 ranking were the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (FARQ), the Jewish Defense League (JDL) and Confederate Flag advocates.

During the discussion of his recruiting class which includes the #3, #5 and #17 best young terrorists of 2016, ISIL head coach, Yasir “Papa Bear” El-Fadhli said in a press conference today his team is ready but is still trying to take each week with realistic expectations. “Are we good? Absolutely,” said El-Fadhli. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nobody gets an award as the #1 team during the first week of the season. It’s how you finish that counts.”