Jan 242014

Bored FBI Pull White House Petition Prank—collects 7 years of data on American Muslims in less than 2 weeks

By Adnan Hussein

FBI 2In an attempt to relive the glory years after being disenchanted with politically correct blah-blah, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) admitted today the recent White House petition to grant Eid al-Fitr, the religious celebration observed in Islam, as a Federal Holliday, was just an old gag to collect new data on Muslims in the United States.

“That was easy,” said FBI Deputy Director Larry Crosby to a raucous and jubilant crowd of field agents, U.S. Marshalls and reporters. “No, it was easy! Too easy!!  I’m done. I don’t want to play no more.” Crosby, wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat, told the packed conference room of more than 500 he didn’t realize a simple tactic, first administered in the 1960s through the covert and sometimes illegal FBI operations known as COINTELPRO, could still be effective. “Back then our Godfather J. Edgar Hoover had a plan to exploit the Black Panthers, KKK, The NAACP, and The Weathermen. I’m proud to say we have carried on the tradition of infiltration and successfully accessed thousands upon thousands of personal information from American Muslims.”

“We got 7 years’ worth of data in less than 2 weeks,” said Janine Epstein, FBI assistant communications analyst for Eastern Division. “Boy, Larry is a maverick. And all he really wanted was a little fun.”

Because of constitutional guidelines, a new referendum to the Privacy Act and a strict policy to government ethics mandated by the White House, monitoring any ethnic or religious group has to be methodical, appropriate and approachable for an audit. The FBI said after such rules were enforced they got bored with surveillance and digging up little tidbits on Muslims.

However according to FBI sources while at a retirement party last October for Senior Director of Operations Mike Fitzgerald, Crosby and his team indulged on the idea to pull a prank like the old days to see how far they could go. It was then suggested to setup a supposed online White House petition. Asked why they targeted Muslims for the joke, one anonymous agent exclaimed “come on—Muslims get so serious about everything. They‘re passionate people, but have no clue when it comes to getting punked. I mean they can’t even figure out The Okra. How are they going to figure out a fake online petition?”

In December of last year, FBI informants acting as teachers at a Virginia high school, identified and persuaded three junior high school Muslim girls to send an op-ed piece to the Washington Post, which conveyed their heart-felt desire to grant the Eids as Federal Holidays. They encouraged Muslims to sign an online petition which would be sent to the White House.

“As if the United States is going to give two religious holidays, which mind you, float every year, a federal status!” laughed Crosby. Ridonkuless!”  While not enough signatures had been collected for the White House to “ponder” stamping Eid a federal Holliday, more than 83,000 Muslims did provide their home contacts which made the prank a success.

“This is really a betrayal to me and the Muslim community at large,” said Qasim Hamada, Secretary-General for The American Muslim Strategy and Alliance. “How dare they use us for their own amusement. This was a serious bid to recognize a major Holliday—and it’s not Festivus!” Hamada said his organization will boycott all support to the FBI for future homeland investigations and demands an apology.

“Oh come on!” said Crosby. “It was a joke. Lighten up. It’s not as if we’re going to solicit your information to anyone. We promise to keep it with us forever.”


Oct 162013


By Farookh Balsarah

Orlando, FL—Six girls ages 15 to 17 were arrested this morning after an organized flash mob orchestrated moments after the Eid Prayers turned chaotic when a handful of elderly men decided to shut it down.

hijabi girl arrested eidSisters Raila and Naznene Khan, Hoda Al-Kartawi, Hayat Katranji, Leila Yusuf, and Samreen Majeed, all sophomores and juniors at Lakeland High school were charged with disturbing the peace after they began a choreographed dance to Carli Jensen’s smash hit of 2012 “Call Me Maybe.” The girls, who all wore hijab, decided to conduct a flash mob once they researched that dance, according to a small hadith from 9th-century Islamic scholar, from Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, who referenced the Prophet and one of his wives observing a group of Abyssinian Christians performing a modest dance inside a mosque, and watched without objection.

“I don’t see what the problem is!” said Yusuf, an honors student, who was crying along with the other “conspirators” as they were handcuffed by Orlando Police. “It says that it’s OK to dance! Eid is so boring—what is wrong with bringing a little joy to it?” She went on to refer the majority of scholars who cite the Hanbal hadith say it permits dancing so long as there is no alcohol, no gender mixing, and not doing it excessively. “Muslims never read the fine print! All they want to do is to cut it up and keep things as vanilla as possible. What is wrong with you people?!”

The Eid Prayers, held bi-annually at the Jama masjid, began at its usual time of 9:00 am and concluded an hour later. Apparently there was no notification of post festivities as people started to quietly make their way from the hall and into the parking lot. 10 minutes later, “Call Me Maybe” came blaring from the public address speakers. Two girls with arms flailing made their way to the center of the crowd. After some stylistic syncopated moves which included numerous back-flips, the girls were joined by 8 others and the dance was in full force. While many applauded and cheered, some were incensed by the party atmosphere and decided to put an end to the show. Board member, Hassan Sheikh, appalled by the fun, screamed at the troupe, who paid no attention and kept dancing. The 63-year old looked for reinforcement and got it from Hamid Abdullah, also 63, who threatened the girls.

Witnesses heard Abdullah shout “I definitely don’t need your number—but MAYBE I’ll call the police!” He grabbed 2 of the girls by the arm and dragged them away while requesting his nephew to call 911. In a state of panic, the remaining girls broke off from the routine and were seen as very upset. Abdullah later confirmed he was infuriated by the shenanigans “What the hell were they thinking?”

“It’s tragic to see some sweet girls trying to add a little color to Eid-ul-Adha and yet it gets slammed down,” said Mariam Abassi, a dental assistant, who admitted that she was tapping her feet to the music and having a good time. Still, others took the side of Sheikh and were embarrassed by the situation and confused with the concept of a flash mob.

“If you want to make a mockery of Eid prayers, go right ahead,” said Principal Irfan Daudi of the Islamic Horizon Magnet school of Kissimmee. “Just don’t assume people are going to jump in and dance with you, especially to that song. They could have picked something better to twerk with.”Daudi later told reporters no charges would be filed in this case and the arrests were to serve as a deterrent to future acts of outrageous behaviors.