Apr 022014
buffalo bills 2

Imam Committee Who Issued Fatwa For Living on Mars Adds Buffalo to the List

By Saad Ramadan


buffalo bills 2Dubai (UAE)—An Imam committee that declared a one-way trip to the planet Mars as Islamically prohibited, added the city of Buffalo, New York as a place which is not livable for Muslims.

In an article reported by the Huffington Post on February 20, The United Arab Emirates’ General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment committee, which had issued a qualified legal opinion, or fatwa against Muslims to live on Mars because of a serious-risk to life, decided Buffalo wasn’t any better.

“It’s with great sadness we have to make this statement. But Buffalo is no longer a place where Muslims can reside,” committee head Sheikh Muhammad Yusuf  said at a press conference held at the Dubai International Convention Center yesterday evening. “If anyone has been to the town, it’s pretty much a dump. High unemployment, high crime and no places for clubbing. It’s harmful to live there.” Yusuf urged those who were living in the Buffalo area to move immediately for the same fear he has with Muslims who were planning to settle in Mars once space flights were ready to depart to the planet which is on average 139,808,517 million miles away. “They need to leave a city which lost 4 Super Bowls in a row (referring to the NFL Buffalo Bills which lost back-to-back-to back-to back from 1990-1993). If that isn’t enough reason to leave, I don’t know what is.” However, not everyone took the news so happily.

“We’re not buying into some fatwa which tells us where we can’t live!” said Hamza Itikhar, President of the Lackawanna Islamic Mosque, one of theImams-Committee oldest in the upper-Western part of the state. “I don’t care what they are entitled to say—if you’re not from here, you don’t know what you’re missing out.” Itikhar commented the ridiculousness to compare Mars with Buffalo and doesn’t even know why the metropolitan city of more than 1,000,000 people would have made some list that was created from individuals who don’t even reside in the United States. “Complete bozos,” he said. “So maybe we don’t have a nice looking skyline and it snows a lot or our greatest contribution to the arts has been the Goo Goo Dolls. But I’m proud to be from Buffalo.”


Affairs and Endowment and Sheikh Yusuf have not responded to questions on why other American towns which have the same doom-and-gloom feel such as Cleveland, Albuquerque and Scranton, Pennsylvania were not issued fatwas as well. An attorney for the committee did not return The Okra phone calls. But a spokesperson has said more cities and planets will ‘most likely’ be issued fatwas in the next several years. “I don’t think their borderline insane way of thinking will stop at Mars and Buffalo,” he said speaking on conditions of anonymity. “I’m quite sure Newark, New Jersey will get the axe as well as Detroit. But Saturn will probably be OK. It just really depends on how demented the committee wants to get.”