Scientists Give Less Than 10 years for Muslim Republicans to Become Extinct
By Saif Hashim
San Diego (CA)—Despite being a small but strong herd that grazed and voiced their unpopular opinions throughout many urban centers, a group of scientists confirmed today the American Muslim Republican has a high chance of becoming extinct in the next 8 years.
Representatives with the North American Anthropological and Political Science Society (NAAPS) concluded after their annual 4 day conference themed “ Socio-Political Groups of the 21st Century” that Muslims who identified themselves as Republicans, or those who shared similar views with American conservatives such as limiting government involvement with social and private institutions, freezing minimum wage and escalating the awareness of homeland terror, would cease to exist due to a result of common sense and hostility from their own party.
“Without question, we have a species that is frowned upon by its own political platform as well as considered inferior by the majority of Muslims,” said Dr. Waylon Hampstead, a Professor at Pepperdine University who specializes in American immigration movements. “Somehow they don’t adapt well in many places and usually get horrid looks—kind of like a monkey in a town full of chimpanzees.”
“I think it’s hard for me to support the GOP any longer, especially with what has happened in the past few years,” said Haythum El-Mansouri, a podiatrist from Oceanview, CA who had been a registered Republican the past 15 years and was inspired by former Muslim Republican Muhammad Ali Hasan, the founder of Muslims for America, an advocacy group that worked with the Republican National Committee. “I really thought I was a part of the fraternity. But in reality, they (Republicans) laughed at me.”
While no sociological evidence has been found to the origin of Muslim Republicans, NAAPS speculates the first incarnation of the species evolved in 2000 when Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore decided to spice up his vice-presidential selection by choosing Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut as his running mate. The decision took many American Muslims by surprise as Lieberman was an outspoken supporter of Israel. As many took the cautious decision of supporting President Bush, his administration failed to appeal a second time mainly because of the Afghan and Iraq wars. However, a few holdouts upheld their new status as Republicans with the assumption they would be considered more favorably by the Dockers-wearing, meat and potatoes white demographic. Coincidentally the number of Muslims that participated in bowling, hunting, National Rifle Association (NRA) rallies in addition to criticizing Michael Moore and the Daly Show spiked sharply during the 2000s.
“I really didn’t think it was a problem, especially since I was a doctor,” said Akbar Shabazz, a cardiologist at Cedar-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles. “I mean I never liked to do any of those recreational activities but enjoyed Republican company.” Shabazz also said it was fantastic to be “liberated” from helping anyone and finding loopholes to avoid paying higher taxes while expecting the government to generate more revenue by instigating a war somewhere in the Middle East. “It didn’t getting any better than that.”
Unfortunately, it took just one incident to change the Muslim Republican conservation status from ‘Least Concerned’ to ‘Critically Endangered’ when Saba Ahmed, a Republican and a law student from Oregon was attacked by her own party at a Heritage House discussion on Benghazi this past July. Apparently, the guest panelists were angered and bashed Ahmed after she said that “We portray Islam and all Muslims as bad, but there’s 1.8 billion followers of Islam,” and “We have 8 million-plus Muslim Americans in this country and I don’t see them represented here.” The event was reported in multiple news outlets; to NAAPS, it may have been the death knell for Muslim Republicans. Still, a few remain at large though at a distance, very much like Siberian Tigers in the wild.
“There’s always going to be a few that will go rogue like Zudhi Jasser, who likes to play the Uncle Tom card, panders to the Right with his ridiculous Islamic Leadership Coalition and thinks he speaks on our behalf,” said Ibrahim Nadar, Director of Strategic Development for the Muslim Alliance of Political Equality in Washington, DC. “In about five years he’ll realize that Republicans placed a ‘Kick Me-I’m Muslim sign’ on his back and will change his stripes. Even if Jasser doesn’t, he’ll be at least held captive in the GOP zoo.”