BREAKING NEWS: WWE Wrestling to take over, broadcast GOP Debates!

 ENTERTAINMENT, POLITICS, SPORTS  Comments Off on BREAKING NEWS: WWE Wrestling to take over, broadcast GOP Debates!
Feb 162016
CNN Republican Presidential Candidate Debate

BREAKING NEWS: WWE Wrestling to take over, broadcast GOP Debates!

By Sameer Khalil

SIMI VALLEY, CA  - SEPT 16: The CNN Republican Candidate Debate at the Reagan Presidential Library on September 16, 2015. Jake Tapper will be the moderator for the CNN Republican Presidential Candidate Debate from the Library on the 17th.

In a move widely applauded by the entertainment industry, WWE Wrestling announced it has acquired all rights to the GOP debates and will continue to produce many more as part of a new program. WWE will re-brand the debates as “GOP Commando” and feature the regular cast of Republican hopefuls far beyond the elections. Instead of verbal sparring behind podiums, the Republican contestants will do their trash talking inside the ring, while competing to see who can work the crowd into the biggest fury.

The move was a no brainer for WWE. “We realized that after the primaries, Americans wouldn’t get a chance to see GOP candidates ripping on each other again.” said WWE Spokesman John O’Tool. “And that would be a huge loss….sort of like “Springer” suddenly getting cancelled. Anyway, WWE is proud to bring these patriots back into American living rooms on a regular basis.The entertainment they provide is priceless.”

WWE2So far, WWE has reached agreements with Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Cristie, and Marco Rubio, among others. Talks with Donald Trump are still pending, however. The business moghul is trying to negotiate a deal which renames the show, “TRUMP’s GOP Commando” and makes him the focal point.

Republican favorite Sarah Palin has also signed on as the Ring Girl. Additionally, Palin will get each show started with her passionate, fiery rendition of WWE’s tag line: “ok folks, so are you READY TO RUMBLE?????”

Republican candidates—who don’t know the first thing about real war–can talk the talk with greater passion. Now, they can describe what they’ll do to ISIS, Obama, or immigrants who get in the way when they’re in charge!

The show will also feature actors to play President Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton. After Republican contestants have been trashing each other for a while, “GOP Commando” will bring out the democrats for a change of pace. GOP candidates can then form tag teams to “open a can of whoop ass” on their common foes. It’s also been rumored that WWE Commando is in negotiation with several leaders of ISIS to play evil caricature villains, who insult America, then get their asses kicked.

Fan response has been overwhelmingly positive. “Man, I love to get a few beers with the boys and rip on Obama,” said Archie Baker. “Blaming Obama and Hillary Clinton for life’s failures is what gets me through the day. I can’t wait to see Chris Christie body slam a liberal the way he destroyed Marco Rubio in that debate.

Fan Herb Updike agrees, “When Jeb Bush and Donald Trump was at it, that really fired me up! That was a hell of a slugfest…sorta like if Triple H took on The Undertaker. My wife and me was just glued to the TV, hollering “Jerry, Jerry.”

It’s a brilliant programming move by WWE” says Media Analyst Charles Steele. “There are numerous parallels between the GOP debates and wrestling: excessive drama, an oversimplification of good and evil, and of course, resolving all problems with a good old fashioned ass kicking. There’s no question ‘GOP Commando’ will be a hit…and it might just produce our future President.

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

 POLITICS  Comments Off on Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate
Nov 062014

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

By Ray Hamza



Muslims to CanadaDC—Just hours after Tuesday night’s announcement that Republicans would have majority control over the House of Representatives and Senate, American Muslims began to pack their bags, rent out their homes and drive to the only country which they consider safe—Canada.

“I’m not going to deal with this shit again,” said Selmaan Ansari, Press Secretary of the Islamic Action Committee for Political Rights (IACPR) at its Georgetown headquarters, referring to the 2002 GOP controlled Congress which spiked an increase of Muslim discrimination, profiling and Senator John McCain publicly singing “Bomb Iran” a parody to the Beach Boys 1965 cover classic “Barbara Ann.” Ansari echoed sentiments by many Islamic organizations who have been subtly requesting a short hiatus for all Muslims to leave the United States and head to the Great White North.  “Look, I know it’s not convenient for many of us who are working and raising families in this country. But do we really want to hear the incessant banter about the invasion of Sharia law and supposed new Al-Qaeda high school recruits from this obnoxious bunch for the next two years? Not me. I hear Winnipeg is lovely in Spring.”

While the GOP is not the only political party that has frowned upon the rise of Islam in the United States, it’s safe to say that all the others are GOP affiliates. From Oklahoma Rep. John Bennett cautioning people to be “wary” of Muslims, to Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina equating all Muslim-Americans with the terrorists who committed the September 11th attacks, the Right has not been a friend to many. Mid-term key victories by Republicans this past week have created stress and paranoia for many Muslims who don’t want to be a part of another Spanish Inquisition.

“Right now I’m not thinking about the economy or the loss on financial aid for education. I’m thinking on how fast I can get to the Canadian border,” said Arif Hania, a mechanical engineer for Kimberley Clark and a resident of Savannah, Georgia. “Because tomorrow, Congress will pass a law that being a Muslim is anti-American and all the red-necks this part of the country are going to get medieval on me real quick.”

“While we advocate democracy and comply by the laws of this fine country with regards to the liberty of voting and free elections, we also recognize the need to get the hell out of here,” said Ibrahim Khan, President of the United Alliance of Muslim Americans (UAMA) in Phoenix. UAMA held a press release Thursday morning concerned with the impact a Republican led Congress (the largest number of seats since WWII) would do to Islam in America. Khan stressed the anxiety Muslims have had with the GOP citing a 2013 article in the Washington Times which reported the lack of trust between the two. “Honestly, I’m sure many Republican politicians have no issues with Muslims. But they usually make a cattle-call to all the nuts in this country firing them up with crazy rhetoric on American values and the need to maintain the evangelical way. That’s how they get votes.”

In Ottawa, the Canadian Parliament was overwhelmed and dumbfounded by the sudden influx of Muslims. Many were surprised by the large numbers crossing the border, with some immediately looking for jobs. “I guess we’re flattered, eh?” said Brian LeClaire, a member of the New Democratic Party Caucus in Manitoba who was unaware of the now labelled, American-Muslim Diaspora. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from border patrol complaining of cars backed up for 10 miles fighting to get in. “Finally Canada is getting respect.”

Not all Muslims decided to take an absence of leave in another country. The Mumin mosque of Pittsburgh is encouraging people to stay and work with the fresh batch of incoming Republican Congressmen in order to eradicate usual stereotypes and misconceptions of Islam. After prayer services on Wednesday night, Imam Muhammad Al-Sheikh spoke on the necessity for all Muslims to stay in the United States and to continue the endeavor of working with everyone regardless of denomination or political party. Only two people were in attendance.


GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

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Dec 052013

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

By Qaiser Sosse

Washington, DC Despite a week-long concerted campaign by many conservative Republicans to promote a better America, the Grand Old Party (GOP) was notified yesterday afternoon that online retail giant, Amazon, will not use its drones to hunt and attack ethnic minorities and in particular, Muslims, who behave badly.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

“We are definitely disappointed by their [Amazon] decision,” said GOP spokesperson Don Mather. “It’s unfortunate they couldn’t see it our way.”

Last Sunday, 60 Minutes ran an interview with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who discussed the future of unmanned drones delivering lightweight parcels to Amazon customers. The objective was to provide an alternative, more effective and timely method for the shipment of orders within a 10 mile radius.

Even before the segment with Bezos ended, GOP representatives had jumped on the phones with Amazon Product Management and proposed the drones, also known as ‘octocopters’, be equipped with ammunition that could deter minorities from “not acting like Americans.”

According to Peter Hamm, GOP assistant Press Secretary, examples of such behavior would be limited to only public places.  “We are in no way denying any individual their rights and pursuit of happiness within the confines of their own homes,” said Hamm. But at the same time, when Mexicans conduct cock fights in alleys, African-Americans become loud and obnoxious in shopping malls and when Muslims decide to use a bull horn to announce the call of prayer in a quiet neighborhood, we have to look at these barbaric acts and prevent them.”

When Hamm was told his examples were simply bigoted stereotypes from the far right, he scoffed. “Come on. I’ve seen enough movies to know these things are real.”

Hamm went on to say the GOP never intended for the deterrence to physically harm targeted recipients. Instead, the choice of weapon was the Laser Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) missile, made up of energized electrons and ions which uses laser pulses to create pellets of plasma that can potentially incapacitate, offset or disorientate a person.

“If a caucasian were to witness an un-American event, all they would need to do would be to call a toll-free hotline number to notify Amazon, who would then GPS the target and deploy the drones.

“It’s really not bad. All that happens is a minority gets stunned for a little while, perhaps no more than 2 minutes. Then they regain consciousness and go about their lives again. It’s pretty safe.”

Reaction to the proposed idea was swift and critical. “Respectfully speaking, they’re fucking nuts,” said Hamed Daudi, Chairperson of the The Arab Muslim Policy Institute (AMPI), a political think tank based in Washington, DC. “Nothing surprises me anymore. But in my 35 year career of trying to work with Republican Neocons on Muslim advancement in the United States, this has got to take the cake.”

“It’s because of folks like these, our organization will never go out of business,” said Sawyer Hadley, Midwestern Board Director for the NAACP, the nation’s oldest and largest civil rights group. “You have to almost thank them for being so diabolical and racist. It definitely makes it interesting to go into work each morning.”

Amazon has not commented to the controversy only stating in a press release that its company and service is for everyone regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. In the meantime, the GOP will work with clothing retailers and constant instigators on all forms of discrimination, Abercrombie & Fitch, to release an all-white clothing line for only beautiful people which will coincide with Christmas and New Year Eve parties.