Jun 042014

Pakistan Receives ‘Captain Obvious’ Award After Declaring Honor Killings as UnIslamic

By Muhammad Jabri


captain obvious awardGeneva (SUI)—Pakistan was awarded the highest recognition for utilizing blatant common sense when it finally declared last week the barbaric and sadistic honor killings which have mired the country in dark controversy and created international outrage was unjustified.

The 30th annual Captain Obvious Award was presented today by the Social Science Research Council (SSRC) to Deputy Foreign Minister Fawad Shah Jehaan Siddiqui who accepted on behalf of Pakistan, which received 60 more votes than Russia, the top contender for the first half of the year when they admitted the deployment of soldiers into Crimea was to take over the peninsula and not to provide assistance to its people.

“I’m very honored and humbled by such a prestigious award,” said a proud Siddiqui, who appeared to have no understanding what he had received. “To be chosen for a Captain Obvious is letting the world know that we are not just politically savvy with our tough actions, but that we treat every decision with deep procrastinating thoughts.”

The SSRC, an independent and non-profit global organization founded in 1922, started the Captain Obvious campaign in 1990 to highlight elementary declarations, condemnations and rhetorical questions which are actually answered by countries, and in some circumstances, recognized figureheads. Support by a multitude of service groups and non-Governmental organizations (NGO) led the Captain Obvious Award to become a highlight and yearly fixture since 1994 for recipients who very much have no clue what the award entails other than it has an international aura. Former winners include the United States National Security Agency (NSA) saying they should have been more transparent on how they used information collected through surveillance; former President of France Nicolas Sarkozy in 2012 for claiming women wearing hijab in his country had become an issue; and India in 2013 for saying that rape is a problem.

“It’s like rewarding a child for eating his food at the table instead of on the floor,” said Dr. Birk Chathman, Professor of Political Science in Global Studies at the University of California, Irvine. “When the child figures out the black and white to the dilemma, you give him ice cream. Pakistan just got its ice cream.”

Pakistan made headlines when it denounced honor killings defined as a homicide of a member within the family usually committed by one or more other members of the family due to breaking custom codes or protocols. Most recently, a 25 year-old pregnant woman was bludgeoned to death on the streets of Lahore by family members for disobeying her parents and marrying man whom she loved. Pakistan finally declared the killing was unlawful and not considered acceptable within the context of Islam. However, critics have been quick to question the praise countries or individuals are receiving for pointing out the obvious.

“Sure, throw them a bone and pat them on the head for making such a ‘wise’ decision,” said Tarek Darwala, a member of the United Nations special convoy for South Asian negotiations. “Pakistan makes such a statement and now they think they’re the big brains on the block. But I’m not sold. They’re bound to let the dog pee on the rug again and be completely oblivious to it.”

California Fashion Magazine Launches Burqini Swimsuit Issue—ooh La La…?

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Feb 062014

California Fashion Magazine Launches Burqini Swimsuit Issue—ooh La La…?

By Nazia Ali


BURQINI MUSLIM FASHIONLos Angeles (CA)—In a strategic move which has caused a little controversy but received much appreciation, Los Angeles fashion magazine Mirage launched the release of their first ever Burqini swimsuit issue.

The Burqini, which is considered a permissible full body swimsuit used in lieu of more revealing apparel such as the one-piece or the extremely popular bikini, has been a hit with Muslim women in Europe and certain countries in the Middle East. Originally designed by Lebanese-Australian Aheda Zanetti, Burqinis are full body suits with built-in neoprene hoods which prevent the hair from being disclosed.

Mirage, which has been capturing slick global clothing trends from polka dot hijabs to one-eyed Niqabs since 2000 believed it was the right time for the United States to start recognizing the latest and greatest in Muslim swimsuits which shows  women, known as Burqini Babes, in arguably the most conservative sea-wearing apparel.

“This is really taking it to the next level and needed for Muslim women in this country,” said Rommana  Diab, President of Mirage, who also mentioned circulation has already gained 1,000,000 subscribers both for the hard copy and digital edition of the magazine. “There are lots of girls that want to hit the sand for fun in the sun but are cautious with how they look. We think this swimsuit issue is going to give them confidence to get on the beach and feel proud of their bodies.”

USA FRANCE BURQUINI BANNEDMirage’s swimsuit issue, titled “Khalifornia Girls”, features models in motley colored Burqinis playing, surfing and frolicking along the Redondo, Santa Monica and Venice shorelines. Despite considerations given to other regions in the country, Photography Director Dee Dee Rahman thought it best to debut the stylish swimsuits in the place where it all started.

“We’re Californians and kind of know that this is the epicenter of the swimsuit fad,” she said.  It’s only right our Burqini babes get their start here as well.”

Although the magazine caters to women, men have been avid purchasers. “Wow, they look real good,” said Hamza Hamdani, a 33 year-old orthodontist from Irvine.  “My glasses are starting to fog up with every turn of the page.” However everyone is not pleased with the swimsuit edition.

“I don’t understand why we always have to copy what everyone else is doing,” said Murad Hazakawai, Chairman for the Orange County Islamic Foundation (OCIF). “Sports Illustrated has their swimsuit edition. ESPN does the Body Issue. Now we have Burqini Babes? Come on man.”

But Diab refutes any reference to just another sexy magazine which objectifies women. “How can you objectify a woman when she isn’t showing anything? Hey if guys like it, all the more power. But we’re not being trashy.” She also denied reports Mirage was producing a Burqini Babes video featuring the 2003 Snoop Dogg summer hit “Beautiful.”

“I’m very proud that I participated in the issue,” said Sameera “Sammy” Samdani, a 23 year-old who was selected as one of just 12 Burqini Babes. “It was tough to get up every day at 5 am and head down to the beach. I figure I’m going to do this for some time since my job now is to look pretty in a Burqini. Besides daddy is a millionaire so I don’t have to do real work.”

While Burqinis have not become mainstream, the few women who have been sighted donning the suits have had no problems with the American public. “Well they’re kind of wearing what I imagine a Navy SEAL would have on when conducting training in the water. I don’t think I’d buy the magazine. But as far as I’m concerned it’s alright with me if women want to wear it,” said David Stubbard, a retired surf instructor from Laguna Beach.

No upcoming events have been planned to celebrate the issue, but Mirage plans to take the Babes on tour in the spring for calendar signings and fashion shows at Meena bazaars throughout the country.


Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

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Feb 062014

Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

By Farookh Balsarah


coca cola nobel peace prize muslimsNew York City (NY)—Three advertising executives from the gargantuan global soda maker, Coca Cola, were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after a Muslim woman wearing a hijab appeared in their 1 minute Super Bowl commercial.

The ad, entitled, “America the Beautiful” took liberty at showing a variety of religious and ethnic minorities in the country with the message that the favorite soft drink of choice is shared by a pluralistic and diverse society but who all live and share the same happiness in the United States.

“Omaha!” shouted Jeff Electrick Head Copy Editor of the commercial which has already received over 2.2 million hits on YouTube since its debut this past Sunday. “If I knew that all it took to get considered for a Peace Prize was to get some dame wearing a scarf on her head to smile at the camera for one second, I would have been Mother Teresa’s level 10 years ago!”

Along with Electrick, 41, senior creative director Clark Lyte, 42, and junior copywriter Dennis Orkestra, 31, were given recognition and nominations although all three are considered as one potential recipient for the award.

To make Muslims smile has been a concerted effort by multiple international organizations, including the United Nations who has found the task rather cumbersome considering the constant blame Muslims are subjected to on a daily basis. A recent Gallup poll showed close to 77% of Muslims are disgruntled by their image in the media specifically being blamed for terrorist threats, violently objecting to derogatory Islamic cartoons and ruining birthday parties.

“As our world becomes smaller with the advancement of technology, we face a severe epidemic of frowning Muslims. They remind me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,” said former United Nations Secretary-General Koffi Annan. “I believe Coca-Cola has taken the right steps to get us there.”

The ad executives said they had no idea the impact a one second cameo by a Muslim woman would have and began to get tweets of appreciation from thousands of Muslims during halftime of the Superbowl. Notable tweets were received from the Prime Ministers of Jordan and Indonesia, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the head of Hezbollah. Al-Qaeda simply wrote- “Thanks for the props Coke. Got the warm fuzzies.”

“We were eating at Taco Bell after the game, when I received a text from our boss that read ‘what the f**k did U do!’ He had a lot of exclamation points,” said Orkestra who was certain the commercial was a bomb and that he would most likely get fired. “I told Clark we should get our things from the office now because I didn’t think we would be allowed back to work. But man, was I wrong.”

On Tuesday, former President of the United States, Jimmy Carter submitted a nomination at the deadline on behalf of the ad group, Eletrick Lyte Orkestra, to the Norwegian Nobel Committee for consideration on the annual award which has been previously given out to heads of states, religious figureheads, and global activists. If selected, it would mark the first time an individual/entity from a highly profitable and exploitive company would receive the laureate.

“Finally someone made us smile,” said Umair Basha, Assistant Communications Director for the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA). “It’s nice to have one of your own in a mega commercial.”

Since the beginning of the week Coca-Cola shares have continued to rise on massive optimism particularly fueled from billionaire Muslim investors who feel special that someone has acknowledged them in a positive light. Despite not realizing Coca-Cola’s marketing team had discovered the American Muslim demographic to be one of the wealthiest based on per capita, most Muslims are thrilled they may be taken as part of the American family.

Coca-Cola is allegedly now working on a new ad with the Taliban which will reenact the storyline from their 1979 classic commercial featuring “Mean” Joe Greene only this time the Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers’ defensive end will be replaced by a Taliban soldier who has just beaten the shit out of a high-schooler for reading a book. As he completes his treacherous flogging, a 7 year holding a bottle of Coke offers him the drink to quench his thirst, to which the soldier smiles and gives his machete to the kid in exchange. Coca-Cola denies this report.

43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

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Jan 212014

43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

By Hannah Rizwi

bachelor, san jose, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Spring Break, bikinis, hejab, zumba, University of California, muslim girls, social mediaSan Jose (CA) — A 43 year-old Muslim bachelor, who for years had been celebrating the single life, has decided he wants to settle down and marry a woman nearly half his age.

Sami Shareef, a resident of Fruitdale, California and a Senior Security Engineer for Cisco, declared his biggest goal for 2014 would be to please his parents, who had all but given up on their only son after they found a picture last year in his Instagram account of Shareef in Acapulco, Mexico. He was wearing a sombrero with two women dressed in bikinis on his lap. The digital photo album was titled Spring Break Biaaatch-2013.

“I was shocked when I saw the photos, but it only confirmed my thoughts about him,” said Shareef’s father Ather. “I knew he was the fraternizing type over a decade ago when he came into our home for an Eid Al-Adha party dressed in a toga, even though he claimed it was an ihram,” the elder Shareef stated, referring to the white garments all Muslim men wear when attending the annual pilgrimage of Hajj. “God really had a sense of humor when He made Sammi.”

While he has not mentioned any one woman specifically, Shareef, who is also called by his friends as ‘Good Times Sammi’, said he was reluctant to find someone closer his age as he believes older women are much pickier and tend to be finicky with their selection. “Honestly, I just couldn’t see it happening. I think I’m much more flexible than they are,” Shareef asserted. “All I want is a simple Muslim girl who is religious, but loves to party; a girl who wears hijab but can also convert it into a mini-skirt. And she has to kind of look like Heidi Klum. It’s a very meager request. I’ve become humble.”

The news of Shareef’s intentions met with hysterical laughter from just about all Muslim women in the San Jose area. “He has got to be out of his mind,” said Hina Malik, a 26 year-old dentist from Cupertino. “Look at him! Only an airhead would go for this guy.” Malik was quick to note the hundreds of selfies Shareef posted on Facebook, including one video of him in a Zumba tank top flexing his biceps and calling them ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction.’

“He’s 43 and I’m 28,” said Sarah Basool, an attorney from Sunnyvale when asked if she would consider Shareef. “Talk about rocking the cradle.” Basool said there is no girl with common sense that would ever marry him let alone think its not creepy. “He graduated high school in 1989 when I was 3 years old! Ewwwww.”

“This man appears to be somewhat cocky and most likely a self-inflicting narcissist,” said Dr. Osama Nadar, a clinical psychologist at the University of California in Berkeley . “While the significant gap in age between two spouses is not unheard of in America, in Mr. Shareef’s case, its all about vanity.” Nadar described Shareef as a person similar to many older single males who’s ego most likely was massively rejuvenated through the conception of social media in the early 2000s. “Normally these macho types probably hit rock bottom when they get to 35 as they realized they were just a shadow of their youth. But the internet has changed all that. Now a man who’s well beyond his prime can act and feel immature as much as he wants through the comfort of images he posts. That’s priceless.”

However, Shareef insists he has grown up and become everything he wanted to be.
“I’ve definitely changed. I have a job. I only go to Mardi Gras every other year and frat parties have been reduced to only once a month. I even stopped dressing as a leprechaun for St. Patty’s day back in 2011,” Shareef said. “So I think its now time for that one lucky lady to find out what Good Times Sammi is all about!”


Oct 162013


By Farookh Balsarah

Orlando, FL—Six girls ages 15 to 17 were arrested this morning after an organized flash mob orchestrated moments after the Eid Prayers turned chaotic when a handful of elderly men decided to shut it down.

hijabi girl arrested eidSisters Raila and Naznene Khan, Hoda Al-Kartawi, Hayat Katranji, Leila Yusuf, and Samreen Majeed, all sophomores and juniors at Lakeland High school were charged with disturbing the peace after they began a choreographed dance to Carli Jensen’s smash hit of 2012 “Call Me Maybe.” The girls, who all wore hijab, decided to conduct a flash mob once they researched that dance, according to a small hadith from 9th-century Islamic scholar, from Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, who referenced the Prophet and one of his wives observing a group of Abyssinian Christians performing a modest dance inside a mosque, and watched without objection.

“I don’t see what the problem is!” said Yusuf, an honors student, who was crying along with the other “conspirators” as they were handcuffed by Orlando Police. “It says that it’s OK to dance! Eid is so boring—what is wrong with bringing a little joy to it?” She went on to refer the majority of scholars who cite the Hanbal hadith say it permits dancing so long as there is no alcohol, no gender mixing, and not doing it excessively. “Muslims never read the fine print! All they want to do is to cut it up and keep things as vanilla as possible. What is wrong with you people?!”

The Eid Prayers, held bi-annually at the Jama masjid, began at its usual time of 9:00 am and concluded an hour later. Apparently there was no notification of post festivities as people started to quietly make their way from the hall and into the parking lot. 10 minutes later, “Call Me Maybe” came blaring from the public address speakers. Two girls with arms flailing made their way to the center of the crowd. After some stylistic syncopated moves which included numerous back-flips, the girls were joined by 8 others and the dance was in full force. While many applauded and cheered, some were incensed by the party atmosphere and decided to put an end to the show. Board member, Hassan Sheikh, appalled by the fun, screamed at the troupe, who paid no attention and kept dancing. The 63-year old looked for reinforcement and got it from Hamid Abdullah, also 63, who threatened the girls.

Witnesses heard Abdullah shout “I definitely don’t need your number—but MAYBE I’ll call the police!” He grabbed 2 of the girls by the arm and dragged them away while requesting his nephew to call 911. In a state of panic, the remaining girls broke off from the routine and were seen as very upset. Abdullah later confirmed he was infuriated by the shenanigans “What the hell were they thinking?”

“It’s tragic to see some sweet girls trying to add a little color to Eid-ul-Adha and yet it gets slammed down,” said Mariam Abassi, a dental assistant, who admitted that she was tapping her feet to the music and having a good time. Still, others took the side of Sheikh and were embarrassed by the situation and confused with the concept of a flash mob.

“If you want to make a mockery of Eid prayers, go right ahead,” said Principal Irfan Daudi of the Islamic Horizon Magnet school of Kissimmee. “Just don’t assume people are going to jump in and dance with you, especially to that song. They could have picked something better to twerk with.”Daudi later told reporters no charges would be filed in this case and the arrests were to serve as a deterrent to future acts of outrageous behaviors.