Amway Launches Islamic Banking As A New Product Line — Claims It’s The Next Big Thing
By Farookh Balsarah
Ada, Michigan—In what many called, “only a matter of time”, Amway announced yesterday it will be acquiring all divisions of home mortgage lending from Islamic Banks in the United States and Canada as of December 1.
The decision for the multi-national direct-selling giant came on the basis that after 43 years of successfully running a company through a cult-following which engages in price-fixing, exaggerated income from sales, and borderline illegal pyramid schemes, the 25th largest private company in America wanted to expand their catalog by adding yet another product that followed its model of ambiguity.
Islamic home mortgages hits the triple crown,” said Amway Senior Vice-President of West Coast Sales, Jeff Tannenbaum. “1. it’s confusingly vague; 2. It allegedly has religious implications; and 3. It already has a devoted demographic. Slam dunk.”
While Islamic banking deals with various financial services for Muslim customers, its most recognized service is with home mortgage lending in North America. Tannenbaum sees exponential reach with an untapped Muslim market who feels paranoid and guilty taking a loan from mainstream financial institutions. “You couldn’t have scripted this if you wanted,” he said cheerfully. To us, that is the kind of consumer we want—loyal to a product in order to avoid Hell.” Tannenbaum said Amway executives took all but 5 minutes to hear the pitch provided to them by their research and development team on sharia loans. Buy-out agreements were immediately sent to 35 Islamic banks in metropolitan cities. In less than 48 hours all agreed to sell their home mortgage capital and holdings, with a 7-week transition plan to be taken over.
“I think we’re very comfortable with the outcome,” said Ibrahim Shakur, Chief Financial Officer of Investment Funds for Malik Medina Equities, a mortgage lender in Trenton, NJ, who was one of the first banks to be acquired by Amway. “I figure after a few more years, the gig would be up and people would come around to their senses and realize we were just talking gibberish.” Shakur stated his colleagues were thrilled they wouldn’t have to speak on how to Islamically buy a home anymore, considering they didn’t understand what they were conveying. Last year, his company came under fire by a local Southampton client who claimed the bank was nothing more than a bookie, after he had to pay an additional $150,000 more than the listing price to purchase a home despite not paying ‘interest.’
“I didn’t realize this bank was running a vig on their customers”, said the angry 37-year old software developer and father of three who wished to remain anonymous. “If I knew that I would have gone to the Gambino family for the loan—they probably would have given it to me cheaper.”
In Los Angeles, Jibril Capital, Inc. was also happy with the outcome as partners of the firm which specialized in real estate leasing and foreclosures received a reported $1.8 million each for their release of ownership despite their stance of continued support on Islamic banking. “It’s a beautiful concept and it’s the right thing to do when it comes to purchasing a home regardless if it makes sense,” said Aziz Hadawi, co-founder of the Southern California based operation which opened in 2004. “I just think Amway will take it to the masses and give it the proper treatment by recruiting people who have ADD and want to get rich quick by selling it to their friends.”
Amway spokesperson Marianne Fletcher said in a press statement held Thursday afternoon in Detroit that while there would be changes to how Islamic home mortgage are presented to new customers, the cover-up would remain the same. “There will be no modifications to the loans. All circular reasoning and illogical conclusions will remain the same to respect the very essence of the services themselves.” Fletcher went on to add a new 2 week online training program for prospective individuals who desire to become scholars of Islamic home mortgages in order to bless the products as halal will be offered for those 18 and over with a high school diploma.