BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

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Dec 102015

BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

By Shahid Mansouri


donald-trump-hairNew York (NY)—A fox used regularly as a toupee for Republican nominee Donald Trump left his presidential campaign and is now learning Islam according to multiple sources.  Dirk, a red-haired fox who for the past 8 months had been sitting on Mr. Trump’s head quietly to cover his receding hairline apparently had been very disgusted with the billionaire’s latest comments on banning Muslim immigrants to the United States. The animal decided to part ways with his former employer.”

“I was appalled and offended by Donald’s fierce rhetoric on Muslims,” said Dirk. “Last week while I was sitting quietly on his head pretending to be his hair-piece, his derogatory rhetoric really got to me. I knew right then I had to leave.” While the resignation was somewhat amicable between Dirk and the Trump campaign, most constituents were somewhat surprised the canine decided to study Islam. He is currently at the Islamic Society of Bay Ridge in Brooklyn studying the basics under Imam Abdel Tariq. “I’m not rebelling or sticking it to him [Trump]. I am doing what any fox would do; I am researching the subject before I express an opinion.”

Criticism against Trump has been swift and harsh. GOP candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush as well as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and former Vice-President Dick Cheney were quick to denounce his apparent discrimination. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest later challenged the Republican candidates and said Trump’s proposal “disqualifies him from serving as President,” calling him a carnival baker with fake hair. While Dirk admitted Trump was certainly not a bad guy off camera, he has been rather loud and obnoxious with his radical views for quite some time. He also doesn’t have real hair.

"I couldn't take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore" said Dirk.

“I couldn’t take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore” said Dirk.

This is not the first time an animal was paid to sit on Donald Trump’s head terminated their employment with him. In 2011, a minx refused to do his job when Trump defended police brutality. In 2013, a spray painted raccoon complained how Trump referred to him as the “coon.”  And earlier this year a Mexican chinchilla almost came to physical blows with Trump after the wealthy New York businessman “playfully” asked him if he could mow his lawn. Despite such reported allegations, the Trump Camp has denied the incidents.

“All animals who have nested on the head of Donald Trump and acted as a toupee were always given the proper respect and paid well for their services,” said Natalie Regent, Deputy of Communications for Trump’s presidential campaign. “These are false allegations once again which have been made against Mr. Trump for selfish reasons. He loves animals.” Regent did not comment on Dirk’s replacement, but insisted there were plenty who were seeking the job including a possum and Siamese cat, though there was a concern to the length of their hair.

Dirk has been working on a book called “Hanging with White ISIS”, which accounts his experience with Donald Trump and his supporters. He also plans to spend time touring the country and visiting Islamic Centers. So far he’s been impressed by Muslims Americans. As for a return to a career in acting as a red toupee, Dirk says he has no plans at the moment. But if the opportunity comes up, he will be more careful. “I will be selective and pick individuals who are open-minded and accepting.” There are a lot of crazy people out there. I don’t need to support them.”


English Band Quraan Quraan Spreads Music to Bring Peace to Europe-Denounce ‘No Go Zones’

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Jan 222015

English Band Quraan Quraan Spreads Music to Bring Peace to Europe-Denounce ‘No Go Zones’

By Zahra Ahmed


Quraan QuraanLondon—In the wake of the most recent violence in France, which has led some to falsely accuse the religion of Islam as the catalyst to international terrorism, a group of young Muslims has decided to fight back through the use of music and harmony. England’s new sensation, Quraan Quraan is sending a message through their melodic new indie wave sound that Islam is not the problem, but isolated lunatics are the main drivers of destruction.

Quraan Quraan (pronounced Qur-aan Qur-aan)who hails from Birmingham, decided to form the group almost a year ago, after witnessing social unrest particularly within London’s Muslim communities due to accusations from right-wing activists such as Tim Ablitt of the English Defense League and atheist Richard Dawkins of spreading sharia law and bloodshed. The rock trio stated that while they avoid intense confrontations against those who oppose the viability of Islam, propaganda machines which create any form of racism and discrimination have to be stopped. Quraan Quraan referred to recent remarks from Louisiana Governor and fellow coconut Bobby Jindal on alleged ‘No Go Zones’ in which Muslim neighborhoods were autonomously governing themselves, as a massive lie and smear campaign towards Islam in the West.

“We’re using music to spread the word to the masses that we’re cool people and we don’t support any type of attacks on anyone from anyone,” said drummer and song-writer Haithum Al-Mansouri. “We want everyone to get along and we’re dedicating our songs for peace.” Quraan Quraan came up with the name from the love they had for legendary band Duran Duran (who ironically are also from Birmingham), and allegedly not from the Imam at their local mosque who had a speech impediment by repeating certain words twice.

While music has been considered forbidden in Islam by many scholars, most Muslims with brains and common sense have supported it for many years. The evolution of upcoming Muslim bands in the genres of jazz, hip-hop and rock music became inevitable with the rise of Hall of Fame musical artists, Cat Stevens, now Yusuf Islam. Quraan Quraan feels they are continuing on the tradition of artists such as Peter Gabriel, U2 and Paul Simon by conveying social issues and advocating peace through their music.

“We’re certainly not the first band to cry out for justice,” said Waleed Amjad, 27, bassist for the band who begins their European tour next week in Berlin. “But we’re going to make sure that Muslims get their voices heard through our songs.” Their debut song “Hungry for Al-Mulk” is set to release on January 30th.


Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

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Nov 062014

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

By Ray Hamza



Muslims to CanadaDC—Just hours after Tuesday night’s announcement that Republicans would have majority control over the House of Representatives and Senate, American Muslims began to pack their bags, rent out their homes and drive to the only country which they consider safe—Canada.

“I’m not going to deal with this shit again,” said Selmaan Ansari, Press Secretary of the Islamic Action Committee for Political Rights (IACPR) at its Georgetown headquarters, referring to the 2002 GOP controlled Congress which spiked an increase of Muslim discrimination, profiling and Senator John McCain publicly singing “Bomb Iran” a parody to the Beach Boys 1965 cover classic “Barbara Ann.” Ansari echoed sentiments by many Islamic organizations who have been subtly requesting a short hiatus for all Muslims to leave the United States and head to the Great White North.  “Look, I know it’s not convenient for many of us who are working and raising families in this country. But do we really want to hear the incessant banter about the invasion of Sharia law and supposed new Al-Qaeda high school recruits from this obnoxious bunch for the next two years? Not me. I hear Winnipeg is lovely in Spring.”

While the GOP is not the only political party that has frowned upon the rise of Islam in the United States, it’s safe to say that all the others are GOP affiliates. From Oklahoma Rep. John Bennett cautioning people to be “wary” of Muslims, to Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina equating all Muslim-Americans with the terrorists who committed the September 11th attacks, the Right has not been a friend to many. Mid-term key victories by Republicans this past week have created stress and paranoia for many Muslims who don’t want to be a part of another Spanish Inquisition.

“Right now I’m not thinking about the economy or the loss on financial aid for education. I’m thinking on how fast I can get to the Canadian border,” said Arif Hania, a mechanical engineer for Kimberley Clark and a resident of Savannah, Georgia. “Because tomorrow, Congress will pass a law that being a Muslim is anti-American and all the red-necks this part of the country are going to get medieval on me real quick.”

“While we advocate democracy and comply by the laws of this fine country with regards to the liberty of voting and free elections, we also recognize the need to get the hell out of here,” said Ibrahim Khan, President of the United Alliance of Muslim Americans (UAMA) in Phoenix. UAMA held a press release Thursday morning concerned with the impact a Republican led Congress (the largest number of seats since WWII) would do to Islam in America. Khan stressed the anxiety Muslims have had with the GOP citing a 2013 article in the Washington Times which reported the lack of trust between the two. “Honestly, I’m sure many Republican politicians have no issues with Muslims. But they usually make a cattle-call to all the nuts in this country firing them up with crazy rhetoric on American values and the need to maintain the evangelical way. That’s how they get votes.”

In Ottawa, the Canadian Parliament was overwhelmed and dumbfounded by the sudden influx of Muslims. Many were surprised by the large numbers crossing the border, with some immediately looking for jobs. “I guess we’re flattered, eh?” said Brian LeClaire, a member of the New Democratic Party Caucus in Manitoba who was unaware of the now labelled, American-Muslim Diaspora. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from border patrol complaining of cars backed up for 10 miles fighting to get in. “Finally Canada is getting respect.”

Not all Muslims decided to take an absence of leave in another country. The Mumin mosque of Pittsburgh is encouraging people to stay and work with the fresh batch of incoming Republican Congressmen in order to eradicate usual stereotypes and misconceptions of Islam. After prayer services on Wednesday night, Imam Muhammad Al-Sheikh spoke on the necessity for all Muslims to stay in the United States and to continue the endeavor of working with everyone regardless of denomination or political party. Only two people were in attendance.


Ben Affleck Converts to Islam after Maher Debate According to Reports

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Oct 092014

Ben Affleck Converts to Islam after Maher Debate According to Reports

By Taaraz ‘TJ’ Zakhif



AP REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER A ENT USA CABoston (MA)—Reports actor and director Ben Affleck has converted to Islam generated uncanny social media applause and rave throughout the Muslim community despite no confirmation from a credible source.

Affleck, who last week went head to head on the topic of Islam and extremism with comedian, critic and all-around Islam hater Bill Maher on his HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher, never acknowledged himself as a Muslim. But by sporting a scruffy beard and using frequent hand gestures to make a point as is common in many Middle Eastern countries, rumors quickly swirled the 42 year-old celebrity had taken a new leap of faith. Muslims organizations took little time in proclaiming the exciting but unsubstantiated news.

“We are so thrilled Ben has decided to become a Muslim!” said ISNA public relations manager Talha Badwani. “Bill thought he was going to pull a fast one on our brother, but Hadrat Affleck kept them in check. How you like me now?!”

The Affleck-Maher debate has become the latest trend streaming through the Internet. Intense  coverage complimented with thousands of comments have been posted on a myriad of media outlets reacting to Maher’s fiery negative rhetoric on Islam which did not subscribe to his liberal platform . Affleck refuted passionately and sharply towards Maher’s remarks as well as other guest and critic Sam Harris, who called Islam “the motherlode of bad ideas.”

“What is your solution? To condemn Islam?” Affleck later questioned Maher and Harris, atheists known for ridiculing religion, but particular fondness of verbally abusing a religion of over 1 billion followers. For many Muslims, Affleck echoed a voice of reason which somehow snowballed into gossip of his conversion ad swiftly made its ways from community centers to mosques throughout the country.

“We’re pretty sure he became a Muslim as of last week,” said Imam Feisal Ataullah of the Islamic Center of North Texas in Richardson, TX. “70% of the non-Muslims who speak with such emotion are always a Muslim.”  While that made no sense, Affleck, who starred in such movies as The Town, Argo and Good Will Hunting for which he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay had also studied Middle Eastern affairs at Occidental College. To Ataullah the trivial knowledge of his education was just the cherry on top in his assumption Affleck had turned to Islam.  “Yeah I know he hasn’t taken the shahada (Islamic creed declaring the belief in one God), but come on, he’s so damn close!”

At least one news service wasted no time in declaring Affleck a Muslim. On the October 7th edition of Fox News’ Fox & Friends, co-host Steve Doocy and guest Dr. Zuhdi Jasser accused Affleck for “for arguing against charges that Islam is uniquely prone to violence and extremism,” referring to him as “Imam Ben Affleck.” As Jasser, a cardiologist, founder of the American Islamic forum for Democracy and a terrific asshole despised by the Muslim community wanted to denigrate Affleck, he ironically added more gasoline to the Affleck conversion suspicions which to some made it official.

“Never in a thousand years would I ever believe Fox,” said Maher Siyaf, Director of Outreach Development for Orange County Islamic Foundation.  “But this is too juicy to not believe. We love you Ben!”

Affleck’s publicist Ken Sunshine has denied any truth to the rumors of him becoming a Muslim, calling it yet another stunt by social media to rile society into more controversy. But he also didn’t deny another report which claims Affleck will be opening for Cat Stevens on his Winter tour later this year. Sunshine stated Affleck hasn’t made a decision.


Sep 182014
Title picture


By the Okra News Staff


Title pictureAs the world turns its attention, yet again, to the Middle East with the rise of Al-Qaeda’s little brother, ISIS as the new rebels in town, America and Hollywood are possibly getting ready for the next chapter in fighting the Muslim world with tons of scripts and screenplays to produce movies that will frighten moviegoers and all those influenced by entertainment with no substance. Islam bashing has become a part of cinematic tradition in the United States. Ever since Rudolph Valentino’s 1921 role in The Sheikh, Islamaphobia and “Arabploitation” much like Blaxploitation, Hollywood has had a steady hand in denigrating Muslims. It’s probably less in recent years and in some circumstances such as Zero Dark Thirty, it’s worked on the balance. But let’s not think we’re over the hump. We can expect more. In the meantime, let’s pause for a moment and give a toast to all those movies, some good and bad, which could have done it right, but blew it. Here’s the Top 10.


Babel (2006) Directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu—


I wish this film hadn’t made it into the top 10. Maybe if we substituted Navy Seals, the Delta Force or some Chuck Norris movie, it would have eluded the embarrassment. But that would be too easy. Babel, which stars Brat Pitt, and Cate Blanchette, focuses on four very interesting and interrelated stories. Themes include government involvement, love, family and abandonment. As a whole, the screenplay stands on very prominent legs which capture the characters, the plots, and cinematography with stylish grandeur. It did after all win a Golden Globe, for Best Picture Motion-Drama. However, the intimate relationship between an Arab boy and his sister probably left an American audience with a bad taste in their mouth.  The writers didn’t have to take it there. The “there” won’t be revealed; but it’s enough to make most Muslims and Arabs angry yet another caricature had to be added to the barbaric and crude inventory of Muslim imagery.


The Mummy (1999) Directed by Stephen Sommers

the mummy

a poor man’s version to Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Mummy is lame. Of course it went on to gross $416 million at the box office. Based on the usual gimmicks which gets people interested on the Middle East, Egyptology and mummies, the film is a formulaic hunt- for-the golden treasure script filled with heroes, villains, adventurous mythical cities, and…well you know where I’m going with this spiel. Sadly, with all the elements of surprise The Mummy uses to accentuate the excitement, what’s not surprising is the portrayal of Muslims. A warrior, protective and ready to kill, the Arab character, Ardeth Bay never disappoints to uphold the standards of violence and death by keeping it real.


East is East (1999) Directed by Ayub Khan-Din

east is east

we’ve all had experiences with our own families which would at times be considered dysfunctional and downright nuts. But at the end of the day, we’re still family. East is East takes the drama and insanity only a family can muster and shares it with awkwardness and sadness. Ayub Khan-Din, who happens to be a Muslim apparently didn’t hold back when he wrote and directed the story of a Pakistani Muslim family living in England during the early 70s. Like any coming of age movie this one brings it with all the typical stereotypes you would expect; curious teenagers who are experiencing what the “West” has to offer in terms of society and entertainment while reluctantly accepting to live in very strict household with an ill-tempered father who wants nothing more than his children to follow in his traditional and supposed Islamic footsteps. The screenplay is actually marvelous and definitely shares a certain element which many of us who grew up as first generation can sympathize. But Ayub—come on man. The characters are teetering on the extreme marred with the typical bloated attributes of a Muslim patriarch who his family will love or fear but never both.


Back to the Future (1985) Directed by Robert Zemeckis

BACK TO THE FUTURE  1985 Universal/Steven Spielberg film with  Michael  Fox at right and Christopher Lloyd

to be politically correct, or PC, was a pretty hip phase just before the turn of the century. It meant the views and policies of society had to be careful in order to not offend. Its range hovered from the academics to multi-culturalism and affirmative action down to the implications of a “hate speech”, which didn’t make any sense because if the 1st amendment protects the freedom of speech than why would we need to be politically correct in what we addressed regardless if it was hateful or not?

That being said Back to the Future was not made in the PC era, circa 1991. It was made in the 80s when conservative values reigned supreme and so long as you were rich, white, or both, you could do what you wanted. Evidently, movies from the decade displayed a lack of political accountability at its finest. Back to the Future is no different. It had good guy Michael J. Fox playing the affable Marty McFly who gets accidentally transported back to the 1950s in a Delorean time-machine after his friend and inventor gets attacked then killed by…you guessed it—the radical Arab terrorists. And how do we know this? Because one of the bad guys is wearing a keffiyeh. It’s not so much the scene is condescending towards Arabs although that is a valid argument. But it’s intentional. The writers knew perfectly well an article of clothing closely associated to what Americans perceive as Arabic would help solidify the stereotype. This is a classic family movie I suppose. Its legacy has held firm for close to 30 years and its impact on culture has been preserved. But you can’t help speculate what the impression one scene will always have on kids. It may be a moot point given how the world and perceptions have changed since the movie came out. Then again—1985 isn’t far from the future.


Rules of Engagement (2000) Directed by William Friedkin


The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee summed it up by describing Rules of Engagement as “probably the most racist film ever made against Arabs by Hollywood.” It’s rather upsetting that Friedkin, who directed classics such as The Exorcist and The French Connection, could have contributed to this movie. I would rather believe he was duped. Regardless, the thought of a US Colonel court-martialed for ordering troops to fire in a crowd of Arabs demonstrating at an American embassy only to find out later the Arabs were strapped with guns and ready to attack is ridiculous. It validates the Colonel’s decision to neutralize a group of Arab Muslims because they got wild and killed more marines. Somehow the US military becomes the victim in this circumstance.


Argo (2012) Directed by Ben Affleck—

Argo, film of the week

Ben Affleck is a smart and cool dude. A Boston guy; the kind of guy you could go to a ballgame with, talk and chill. He’s also a pretty decent actor and director. But his 2012 Oscar award winning for best film of the year Argo, based on the CIA rescue attempt of six American nationalists in Tehran during the midst of the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis is just blatantly so wrong. Without flagging a spoiler alert for the remaining 10 people in the country who still haven’t seen this yet, the ending is bristling with overbearing Muslim attitude and stereotypes to the point where much of it is simply a fictional turn of events Hollywood injected to get the action pumping. Iranian men are viewed as boorish ogres prone to violence and vendettas with a sadistic hate towards the United States. It’s the finale where the caper gets thick with heart-wrenching agony as the preparation to escape gets underway to the haunting tune of Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levee Breaks.” The irony is the actual story and what really happened when the Americans made their way through the airport, pass the security and on to the tarmac to board the plane. Watch the movie then read the truth. It’s nothing as it seems.


The Siege (1998) Directed by Edward Zwick

The Siege

just the title makes you realize this is going to be about Muslims. 1998 was a rather volatile year for American foreign relations. In August, American embassies were bombed in Nairobi and Dar Es Salaam, allegedly by Al-Qaeda which left a few hundred dead. The Siege came out conspicuously a few months later. The story—Arab terrorist sleeper cells attack New York. Terrific. There must be a campaign to take a news-worthy incident of sensational proportion and use it as a springboard for entertainment and political messages.  This movie also provides us with some interfaith dialogue when a character is fatally wounded and recites not only the Our Father prayer but throws in “Inshallah” as good gesture—I think. As its base The Siege is very black and white in terms of understanding and compassion towards different religion and people. There are good guys and bad guys with the latter defined not by their criminal record, but by their ancestral record. It’s a shame this film was as accepting as it was and makes you wonder if Islam is just the latest and greatest threat by an identified ethnic religion America has had to encounter since its independence.


Executive Decision (1996) Directed by Stuart Baird


No raspberry list of horrible movies can be complete unless Executive Decision is in it. Forget the worst movies depicting Muslims and Arabs. This one just sucks. A Greek and Lithuanian play the most feared Arab bad guys, El Sayed Jaffa and his lieutenant Nagi Hassan. That dooms the movie. Lithuanians make terrible terrorists. Never mind the plot which includes people moving from one plane to another in mid-air or a flight attendant was smart enough to find the sleeper terrorist with the bomb. But a Lithuanian playing a terrorist is just not the right thing to do. If it wasn’t for quintessential ham Steven Seagal’s minor but “powerful” role in this movie, it’s a throw-away. Then again, it might still be. Even Seagal can’t save this one.


Black Sunday (1977) Directed by John Frankenheimer


if you can find this one and want to get understand how the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was viewed in the 1970s, look no further than Black Sunday. This could have easily been #1 if it was actually more popular. In a nutshell, Black September, the Palestinian operatives who were blamed for the 1972 Olympics Munich Massacre, have decided to attack American soil by detonating a bomb at the Orange Bowl during Super Bowl X. Talk about going for the trifecta of ultimate victims: The United States, Israel and the NFL. How much more do you need in terms of sensitivity to the American audience than these three holy entities.

This movie reads like a checklist of Muslim terrorism: Palestinian operatives planning to bomb an extravagant event—check. Operatives discussing suicide bombings—check. Operatives attempt to kill a patient at a hospital—check. A Goodyear blimp strapped with a bomb and steel darts—double check. Thankfully, Super Bowl X was played. The Steelers beat the Cowboys 21-17. How a movie with such callous bias and animosity towards Palestinians was ever made defines an era when paranoia was running rampant. But it also demonstrates the fabrication created to build a doomsday scenario when in reality it had no merit. Black September unofficially disbanded in 1973. The PLO had accepted a two state solution by the mid-70s an early indication of moving towards peace with Israel. And yet, instigators were still out in full force to try and bolster the fear factor of crazy Arabs and Muslims.


True Lies (1994) Directed by James Cameron

true lies

without a doubt and since its release almost 20 years ago, True Lies stands the test of time and comes in at #1. We’re so familiar with this film it’s passed down by generation in many Muslim households. The older it gets the better it ages with fine racism and juicy scenes of anti-Arab sentiments, or for those haters, anti-Arab celebrations.  If you want to sum up the film quickly—boneheaded comedy, sex and violence. It’s not surprising why it holds a 72% favorable rating on Rotten Tomatoes. 72%!

The story is extremely transparent and despicable, utilizing “Middle-Easterners” as people hell bent on gaining nuclear weapons for world destruction with the very least on destroying the United States. Crimson Jihad is their name. Crimson Jihad—why crimson? Laughable. It’s a Schwarzenegger film so not much is expected with the plot in terms of depth and detail. But to use the typical stereotypes of Muslims and Arabs so nonchalantly and excessively is beyond imagination.

James Cameron movies aren’t what I would call intellectual stimulation. He made Avatar, which was basically a Smurf movie for adults and the bad but so good Point Break. Action is what defines a Cameron movie. True Lies is very much a part of his family. It too can be found on any television channel just about every week; one of those movies to pass the time with before going out for dinner or attending a birthday party. But the message is clear. We know who evil is and what it wants to do—a negative portrayal at its best.

Jun 262014

United Nations Diplomat Pleads with ISIS to Join Tinder—Says Meeting Hot Single Girls Might Quell Violence

By Annissa Gorani


Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 9.50.59 PMBaghdad (Iraq)—A diplomat for the United Nations urged radical insurgents, ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, to halt its month long conflict in the Middle East by subscribing to the wildly popular mobile social application Tinder.

UN representative Tarek Mahmoud Sheikh, who has been in talks with ISIS Chief Communications operative Rashed El-Wakel, insisted the jihadist group, which in recent weeks has taken over large portions of northern and western Iraq, needs to divert their attention elsewhere. He suggested Tinder as an outlet to their insurgency revolt where they could spend time chatting online to interesting women primarily in the United States.

“ISIS is run predominantly by young men who are mostly single and active. But they are also surrounded by dudes all day,” said Sheikh. Why can’t they just take the time to meet some nice ladies and focus their attention on getting to know someone?”

ISIS is a group of Sunni jihadists who seek to create an Islamic state in eastern Syria and northern Iraq based on sharia law. Thus far, the group has captured territory from the outskirts of Aleppo in eastern Syria to Fallujah in southern Iraq. But while ISIS has made international news as an added layer of instigators to an already turbulent region, Sheikh has seen the opportunity to bring technology and attractive women as a relief to the mind-numbing casualties of conflict.

“It’s really, pretty simple. The men in ISIS have never had chances to explore and see the brighter side to life because of their environments and upbringing,” Sheikh said. “With Tinder, they can relax and stop thinking about how to raise hell. They can actually act like red-blooded American guys and just kick it with some friendly girls.” However, the idea of utilizing the social site known for arousing the flirtatious curiosity of millions of twenty and thirty-something minds hasn’t gone over well with the ISIS leaders.

“It’s never going to work. Why would our men want to give up fighting and start messaging cute blondes in London,” said Dean al-Maliki, Central Weapons Logistics Commander of ISIS, who was appalled but did register with Tinder. “I’ve gone on to the site about ten times, and in no way did I see anything that I was like really into, like a lot.” Al-Maliki, 48, did admit he gets mildly excited when he receives Tinder emails from new people. “I’ll receive four or five a day,” he said, using “Love Will Keep Us Together” by The Captain and Tennille as his inbox ringtone.

A spokesperson for Tinder did not respond to calls from The Okra, but released a press statement encouraging all militant groups to put down their guns turn on their mobile phones and access the application where all “your fantasies can come true” with a few clicks of the buttons.

While Sheikh has not confirmed if Tinder has been accepted as a band-aid solution to alleviate ISIS fighting, sources have told him it’s definitely on the table as a possibility with unconfirmed reports of ISIS soldiers getting in trouble from squad leaders for staying up at night and talking loudly with college girls on Tinder. “We’re not giving up on ISIS. We have to believe that some really good looking girls can be a part of the solution and help these men stop fighting.” He went on to recommend that Tinder could be also helpful to the Syrian government who for over two years has gone ballistic on their own people. “If we can’t use social networking as a tool to find peace, than maybe beautiful adventurous girls who like to laugh and want to get to know you maybe our next hope.”