Nov 222013

Sunday School Teacher Tries to Show Foolishness Playing the Lottery, Wins Big Time—Not Giving Up the Money

By Nazia Ali

Florida 2 lotteryJupiter, FL— A Muslim Sunday School teacher, who attempted to demonstrate the stupidity of playing the Florida State Lottery, won $15 million last Saturday night, when all numbers on his ticket hit.

Sameer Bashiri, a resident of Jupiter and an electrical engineer for Siemens, went wild according to his wife, after the last number, which happened to be 18, popped out of the ping pong ball air machine. “He could not stop screaming,” Mona Bashiri said.”It was as if someone lit his boxers on fire.” Mrs. Bashiri said her husband completely became hysterical and started talking to the ticket after he settled down, caressing and calling it his baby.

Bashiri, 56, who volunteered as a history teacher for 10th grade students at the Islamic Center of Palm Beach (ICPB) had been a fervent opponent of gambling especially with the lottery which Bashiri called the “Devil’s Slot Machine.” In July of this year, as an act of defiance, Bashiri refused to teach Hussein Rehab, a student who was given a lottery ticket from his older brother, even though no one, not even Rehab believed he had a chance to win. According to the New York Times, the odds of winning a 6 draw power ball lottery are 1 in 175 million. While Rehab did not win, he was suspended from the class, as Bashiri was adamant of having no association with a degenerate.

Last Sunday afternoon, Bashiri walked with his students to a local 7-Eleven, purchased a lottery ticket for $1 then went on to admonish the dangers of gambling and its prohibition in Islam. He then rambled on to point out how a small piece of paper made people act crazy and tense because they believed they would become rich. When one student asked what he would do if he were to win, Bashiri laughed and said according to multiple sources, “there’s no way I’m going to win—but if I did, I will donate all the money to some non-Muslim charity.”

However, at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Bashiri’s lawyer, Vince Riablo, said his client has no intention of giving up the money. When told of the ICPB’s board threat to remove Bashiri from his position as a teacher if he does not surrender his winnings, Riablo confirmed Bashiri wasn’t concerned at all. “Yeah, I don’t think he gives a shit.”

21 year-old Sumaiya, Bashiri’s oldest daughter, said her father’s new multi-millionaire status has put him on a  bender, which has included purchasing a Yacht, a Llama, owning all the publishing music rights to Florida hard-rock band Creed and partying with Lebron James. “If anyone wants to see my dad, they just have to turn on the television and watch the Miami Heat games. He sits on the bench with all the players. I would say its an understatement to say he’s having the time of his life.”

So far whereabouts of Bashiri have been unsubstantiated but reports had relocated to Ibiza where he plans to start a new career as a DJ.

Nov 082013

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”


Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”


The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”

Amway Launches Islamic Home Mortgage Options

 BUSINESS, POLITICS  Comments Off on Amway Launches Islamic Home Mortgage Options
Oct 112013

Amway Launches Islamic Banking As A New Product Line — Claims It’s The Next Big Thing

By Farookh Balsarah

home mortgage rates for islamic banking optionsAda, Michigan—In what many called, “only a matter of time”, Amway announced yesterday it will be acquiring all divisions of home mortgage lending from Islamic Banks in the United States and Canada as of December 1.

The decision for the multi-national direct-selling giant came on the basis that after 43 years of successfully running a company through a cult-following which engages in price-fixing, exaggerated income from sales, and borderline illegal pyramid schemes, the 25th largest private company in America wanted to expand their catalog by adding yet another product that followed its model of ambiguity.

Islamic home mortgages hits the triple crown,” said Amway Senior Vice-President of West Coast Sales, Jeff Tannenbaum. “1. it’s confusingly vague; 2. It allegedly has religious implications; and 3. It already has a devoted demographic. Slam dunk.”

While Islamic banking deals with various financial services for Muslim customers, its most recognized service is with home mortgage lending in North America. Tannenbaum sees exponential reach with an untapped Muslim market who feels paranoid and guilty taking a loan from mainstream financial institutions. “You couldn’t have scripted this if you wanted,” he said cheerfully. To us, that is the kind of consumer we want—loyal to a product in order to avoid Hell.” Tannenbaum said Amway executives took all but 5 minutes to hear the pitch provided to them by their research and development team on sharia loans. Buy-out agreements were immediately sent to 35 Islamic banks in metropolitan cities. In less than 48 hours all agreed to sell their home mortgage capital and holdings, with a 7-week transition plan to be taken over.

“I think we’re very comfortable with the outcome,” said Ibrahim Shakur, Chief Financial Officer of Investment Funds for Malik Medina Equities, a mortgage lender in Trenton, NJ, who was one of the first banks to be acquired by Amway. “I figure after a few more years, the gig would be up and people would come around to their senses and realize we were just talking gibberish.” Shakur stated his colleagues were thrilled they wouldn’t have to speak on how to Islamically buy a home anymore, considering they didn’t understand what they were conveying. Last year, his company came under fire by a local Southampton client who claimed the bank was nothing more than a bookie, after he had to pay an additional $150,000 more than the listing price to purchase a home despite not paying ‘interest.’

“I didn’t realize this bank was running a vig on their customers”, said the angry 37-year old software developer and father of three who wished to remain anonymous. “If I knew that I would have gone to the Gambino family for the loan—they probably would have given it to me cheaper.”

In Los Angeles, Jibril Capital, Inc. was also happy with the outcome as partners of the firm which specialized in real estate leasing and foreclosures received a reported $1.8 million each for their release of ownership despite their stance of continued support on Islamic banking. “It’s a beautiful concept and it’s the right thing to do when it comes to purchasing a home regardless if it makes sense,” said Aziz Hadawi, co-founder of the Southern California based operation which opened in 2004. “I just think Amway will take it to the masses and give it the proper treatment by recruiting people who have ADD and want to get rich quick by selling it to their friends.”

Amway spokesperson Marianne Fletcher said in a press statement held Thursday afternoon in Detroit that while there would be changes to how Islamic home mortgage are presented to new customers, the cover-up would remain the same. “There will be no modifications to the loans. All circular reasoning and illogical conclusions will remain the same to respect the very essence of the services themselves.” Fletcher went on to add a new 2 week online training program for prospective individuals who desire to become scholars of Islamic home mortgages in order to bless the products as halal will be offered for those 18 and over with a high school diploma.