Jun 262014

United Nations Diplomat Pleads with ISIS to Join Tinder—Says Meeting Hot Single Girls Might Quell Violence

By Annissa Gorani


Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 9.50.59 PMBaghdad (Iraq)—A diplomat for the United Nations urged radical insurgents, ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, to halt its month long conflict in the Middle East by subscribing to the wildly popular mobile social application Tinder.

UN representative Tarek Mahmoud Sheikh, who has been in talks with ISIS Chief Communications operative Rashed El-Wakel, insisted the jihadist group, which in recent weeks has taken over large portions of northern and western Iraq, needs to divert their attention elsewhere. He suggested Tinder as an outlet to their insurgency revolt where they could spend time chatting online to interesting women primarily in the United States.

“ISIS is run predominantly by young men who are mostly single and active. But they are also surrounded by dudes all day,” said Sheikh. Why can’t they just take the time to meet some nice ladies and focus their attention on getting to know someone?”

ISIS is a group of Sunni jihadists who seek to create an Islamic state in eastern Syria and northern Iraq based on sharia law. Thus far, the group has captured territory from the outskirts of Aleppo in eastern Syria to Fallujah in southern Iraq. But while ISIS has made international news as an added layer of instigators to an already turbulent region, Sheikh has seen the opportunity to bring technology and attractive women as a relief to the mind-numbing casualties of conflict.

“It’s really, pretty simple. The men in ISIS have never had chances to explore and see the brighter side to life because of their environments and upbringing,” Sheikh said. “With Tinder, they can relax and stop thinking about how to raise hell. They can actually act like red-blooded American guys and just kick it with some friendly girls.” However, the idea of utilizing the social site known for arousing the flirtatious curiosity of millions of twenty and thirty-something minds hasn’t gone over well with the ISIS leaders.

“It’s never going to work. Why would our men want to give up fighting and start messaging cute blondes in London,” said Dean al-Maliki, Central Weapons Logistics Commander of ISIS, who was appalled but did register with Tinder. “I’ve gone on to the site about ten times, and in no way did I see anything that I was like really into, like a lot.” Al-Maliki, 48, did admit he gets mildly excited when he receives Tinder emails from new people. “I’ll receive four or five a day,” he said, using “Love Will Keep Us Together” by The Captain and Tennille as his inbox ringtone.

A spokesperson for Tinder did not respond to calls from The Okra, but released a press statement encouraging all militant groups to put down their guns turn on their mobile phones and access the application where all “your fantasies can come true” with a few clicks of the buttons.

While Sheikh has not confirmed if Tinder has been accepted as a band-aid solution to alleviate ISIS fighting, sources have told him it’s definitely on the table as a possibility with unconfirmed reports of ISIS soldiers getting in trouble from squad leaders for staying up at night and talking loudly with college girls on Tinder. “We’re not giving up on ISIS. We have to believe that some really good looking girls can be a part of the solution and help these men stop fighting.” He went on to recommend that Tinder could be also helpful to the Syrian government who for over two years has gone ballistic on their own people. “If we can’t use social networking as a tool to find peace, than maybe beautiful adventurous girls who like to laugh and want to get to know you maybe our next hope.”

Apr 172014

New Report Finds Boko Haram’s Hatred Towards West a Result of Being Picked Last in Kickball

By Youssou K’ Ndour


boko-haram-4-15-12Geneva (Switzerland)—A report issued by the United Nations’ Third World Research and Development Committee found the jihadist militant organization Boko Haram and its hatred hatred towards the West was a result of being picked last in kickball when they were children.

The report, which took over 4 years to complete, stipulated a vast majority of Boko Haram members went to international schools located in Cameroon, Niger and Chad in their youth where the most popular sport was kickball, a game which is structured and played in the same manner as baseball, except a 16 inch red rubber ball is kicked to score runs while defensively used to field and throw.  Boko ‘Haramites’ were usually picked last because the game was considered a sophisticated Western game which could not be undermined by Africans.

“It’s really a shame to know that one of the most feared terrorist organizations in the world was created on the basis that they were teased and laughed at for their kickball skills when they were 8 or 9 years old,” said Dr. Laura Sampson, a professor of International Relations  at the University of Kenya in Nairobi. “If those students from the countries of Australia, the United States and the United Kingdom were nicer to them, none of this would be happening.”

“I blame the West for making me who I am,” said Abdul Saad Waqari, Lieutenant-General of the Kano division for the Boko Haram. “If I had been picked as one of the top 10 players as a child and not have had to play right field where all the clumsy kids are stationed, I wouldn’t be so angry!” Ridiculed and scorned, Waqari, who came from a happy upper-middle class family in Yaoundé, said he found other local kids like him, who try to blend into the predominantly white schools, but were dismissed because they weren’t good at kickball. “All I wanted was a chance to be good in the game. That’s all I wanted—that and a pony for my birthday.”

“It wasn’t as if we never gave them a chance—but there’s a reason why they were picked last,” said Logan Welch, a dentist in Melbourne and son to the former Ambassador of Australia in Niger. Welch lived in Central Africa from 1987 to 1991 and attended grammar school. “I was a pretty good kick-baller and so were the Americans and Brits. But the Africans didn’t have the skills.” Welch said it was a difficult time for the diplomat kids who came from abroad. Many did not want to be in a foreign country. Consequently, they took their anger out on the” blacks” and blamed them for their misery. “We had no idea the hostility we initiated would create Boko Haram. If I had known, I would have picked them first.”

Kickball was the downward spiral to the evolution of Boko Haram

Kickball was the downward spiral to the evolution of Boko Haram

Boko Haram, which means ‘Western Education is Sinful’ in Arabic, was founded in 2002 in Nigeria with the goal of creating a pure Islamic state based on sharia law. The group is known for kidnappings of Western tourists, murders, and attacking schools, police stations and government targets. While Boko considers itself an Islamist movement, just about all Muslims organizations reject their ideologies and beliefs. Last week, authorities in Nigeria were searching for 100 school girls who were abducted by Boko Haram militants. As some political think tanks are speculating, the incident is just another deviant act as pay back for the years they suffered as the “clowns of kickball.”

“Sometimes, history catches up to us in all different facets of life,” said Magnuson Himmler, Senior Policy Advisor for the Brookings Institute in Washington, DC. “Kickball is one of those sports that can scar you for life if you’re not good. No one wants to be the loser who got picked last.”

“I was laughed at not only on the field, but in the classroom,” said Hamza, a soldier of Boko. “After I lost my confidence the kids would laugh and call me One Out. That was my name.” While Boko Haram has never publicly disclosed kickball as the primary reason for their animosity, multiple news agencies have found deflated red balls in abandoned Boko Haram base camps often next to machetes. While the balls were dismissed as confiscated goods, they have now become symbolic in Boko Haram platoons throughout Central Africa.