Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

 POLITICS  Comments Off on Damn you Hamas—Damn You!
Jul 302014

Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

An op-ed by the Tiny Minority of Pro-Israel Supporters


Israeli supporters 2As we head into the third week of a poor man’s intifada, one cannot avoid the violence and pools of blood that blemish the roads and hilltops throughout this beautiful region. We have witnessed children killed, families separated and the horror of bombs dropped every 10 minutes. We constantly look at the sky and then seek shelter. We pray to the end of the destruction and the agony of those who have been inflicted by pain from all the suffering. Most importantly we say with courage to the people from the Light unto Nations—stay strong. And damn you Hamas.

Hamas you have made things so tough for Israel. We sit here and loathe the day you ever took control of Gaza through an official Palestinian legislative election in which you received 440,000 votes, nearly 44% of the constituency. Yes, we know it’s official. But you’re not getting a fruit basket from us. Were we surprised when you removed the declaration of wiping Israel from the map in your new manifesto which completely nullified the very same statement in the preamble to your 1988 charter? Yes! There was more of a chance for LeBron James to play in the WNBA than for you to make such a bold and positive change. But then you had the balls to take your rage one step further in 2012 and work with Fatah to squash your differences.  Was this an attempt to become more legitimate and to start a new chapter of dialogue? Maybe. But it’s not going to happen because we won’t let it. There is no need for a talk when it is a scientific fact your organization is comprised of terrorists.

Don’t think your change in attitude will fool us. You deserve the economic blockade imposed on you since you were sworn into office even though we kind of figured just about everyone in Gaza is not associated with Hamas. There’s not a gallon of milk you can purchase for kids in school that will allow us to overlook your malevolent actions. Your limited movement from one fence line to the next and inspections at checkpoints for anyone under 50 is a testament to the safety we maintain for the Palestinian people. If they can’t go anywhere than we know they are secure. We make sure that all goods are inspected before they proceed into Gaza. All infrastructure, gas and electricity are minimal. I mean how much do you really need anyways? And while the United Nations, the United Nations Human Rights Council, The Red Cross, Desmond Tutu, Russell Brand, Penelope Cruz, John Cusack, Chuck D and John Legend consider this blockade a collective punishment and illegal, just remember, ‘flotilla’ rhymes with ‘vanilla’ and earns you 11 points in Scrabble.

israeli owl

Baatz blames his pain and anguish on Hamas

We show compassion time and time again. When your hand-rolled $800 missiles that look more like bottle rockets come into Israel but are shot down by our $180 million Iron Dome System (thank you Detroit!), we show no animosity.  Before we invade Gaza, we demonstrate the decency by providing leaflets which warn Palestinians to evacuate the area before we annihilate the homes they will never see again. We even drop smaller bombs before the bigger ones just to let them get a small taste of what’s really coming. But when a long-eared owl by the name of Baatz gets injured from a delayed mortar attack in Nirim and has to be rushed to an animal hospital to save it from dying, there is no compassion. How dare you speak of the occupation, the atrocities and the 1000 civilians’ deaths in Gaza this past month when an innocent owl was seriously injured?! Luckily Baatz is now in stable condition and has the best doctors in the world tending to his needs. But what if he hadn’t survived? Could you live with yourself Hamas to have the blood of an Israeli owl on your hands? Could you deal with the pain and suffering of Baatz? I think not.

As a minority of ardent supporters who love shwarmas and Chuck Norris, we are committed to protecting Israel and advocating that the only peace is a one-sided solution in which we ask the questions and you give the reply. So please stop Hamas—it’s making the situation dire. While your popularity rises as Israel’s blatant control of the Palestinian National Authority becomes more evident, you cannot win the world over. As soundtrack king Kenny Loggins and ex-front man falsetto God Steve Perry sang together in the summer of 1983, “Don’t fight it—it’ll do your heart no good.” Listen to them—they divinely speak the truth. And always remember—the owl is watching.

Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

 ENTERTAINMENT  Comments Off on Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible
Mar 072014

Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

By Sossannah Riyaad

footlooseSalt Lake City (UT)—after deliberating for more than 2 hours, Crescent Mosque officially declared dancing as permissible for the Muslim community in Lehi, Utah. Over 200 people, mostly teenagers and some parents rejoiced when the decision was announced at 1 pm (MST) shortly before Friday Prayers.
“Crescent Mosque, in a 6-4 vote, has decided dancing in moderation to be safe,” said Communication Secretary Saffiyah Mulham. “An evaluation still needs to be conducted on whether certain moves such as the Harlem Shake and different genres of music are within acceptable boundaries. But for now, dancing will be allowed.”
The hot and often controversial issue began in the small community just 30 miles outside of Salt Lake City, close to a year ago when 18-year old Senior, Kamran Sultan, a recent transplant from Chicago had suggested the idea to other Muslim high school students after he realized his new home lacked any excitement. His idea didn’t gain much momentum as most kids were afraid to tamper with the religious laws that had been implemented by the town’s respected Turkish Imam, Dr. Rafi Ali.
“I just couldn’t believe there wasn’t anything fun to do here,” said Sultan who claimed he used to dance by himself at a steel mill located just outside the town. “I knew it wasn’t going to be like Chicago, but this was really dead.”
Sultan, who along with his mom, moved in with her brother’s family in Lehi after she lost her job, was initially considered an outcast. He was constantly challenged to fights and playing chicken with tractors. Eventually, his rebel attitude but good-natured ways inspired the kids at school, including the Imam’s daughter, 17-year old, Syma (who reportedly is in love with him) to advocate dancing.
“Kamran has always been a super-cool guy driven to get what he wants,” said Hibbah Nayyab a senior at Alpine High School, and a spot-on doppelganger to Sarah Jessica Parker. “Plus I think he and my bestie Syma are going to get married!”
While many of the youth and even some adults lobbied the proposal for dancing to Crescent board members, Dr. Ali was adamantly opposed and forbade any discussion of it, even stating at a press interview that rock, techno, electronica and hip-hop music were evil, though he quietly avoided mentioning disco. However, Ali’s views changed at a town hall discussion last Sunday when both parties presented their case. While Sultan failed to find any reference to dancing in the Qur’an, he brilliantly used an argument from the school of Shafi which considers dancing as ‘not unlawful unless it is languid.’
“Hey, give credit to the kid [Sultan]. He did his homework and found evidence,” said a noticeably relaxed Ali. “But I felt like I was in a movie with all this drama. Wait, wasn’t this a story in a film?”
“Kamran really opened up the flood gates of happiness around here,” said Taha Jamil, Sultan’s best friend and a frequent wearer of overalls. “He’s not only made all of this happen, but he’s teaching me how to dance!” Jamil said his lessons have been coming well as he has practically completed a choreographed sequence to Kenny Loggin’s “Footloose.”
Despite the decision, Crescent Board did warn co-ed mixers would be heavily chaperoned, which left some a little deflated. However, Sultan said he’s ok with the discrepancy and dancing with caution is better than not dancing at all.
“It’s a start. I think the town is showing progress. Plus it’s better than dancing at a steel mill all alone.”