Jun 262014

United Nations Diplomat Pleads with ISIS to Join Tinder—Says Meeting Hot Single Girls Might Quell Violence

By Annissa Gorani


Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 9.50.59 PMBaghdad (Iraq)—A diplomat for the United Nations urged radical insurgents, ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, to halt its month long conflict in the Middle East by subscribing to the wildly popular mobile social application Tinder.

UN representative Tarek Mahmoud Sheikh, who has been in talks with ISIS Chief Communications operative Rashed El-Wakel, insisted the jihadist group, which in recent weeks has taken over large portions of northern and western Iraq, needs to divert their attention elsewhere. He suggested Tinder as an outlet to their insurgency revolt where they could spend time chatting online to interesting women primarily in the United States.

“ISIS is run predominantly by young men who are mostly single and active. But they are also surrounded by dudes all day,” said Sheikh. Why can’t they just take the time to meet some nice ladies and focus their attention on getting to know someone?”

ISIS is a group of Sunni jihadists who seek to create an Islamic state in eastern Syria and northern Iraq based on sharia law. Thus far, the group has captured territory from the outskirts of Aleppo in eastern Syria to Fallujah in southern Iraq. But while ISIS has made international news as an added layer of instigators to an already turbulent region, Sheikh has seen the opportunity to bring technology and attractive women as a relief to the mind-numbing casualties of conflict.

“It’s really, pretty simple. The men in ISIS have never had chances to explore and see the brighter side to life because of their environments and upbringing,” Sheikh said. “With Tinder, they can relax and stop thinking about how to raise hell. They can actually act like red-blooded American guys and just kick it with some friendly girls.” However, the idea of utilizing the social site known for arousing the flirtatious curiosity of millions of twenty and thirty-something minds hasn’t gone over well with the ISIS leaders.

“It’s never going to work. Why would our men want to give up fighting and start messaging cute blondes in London,” said Dean al-Maliki, Central Weapons Logistics Commander of ISIS, who was appalled but did register with Tinder. “I’ve gone on to the site about ten times, and in no way did I see anything that I was like really into, like a lot.” Al-Maliki, 48, did admit he gets mildly excited when he receives Tinder emails from new people. “I’ll receive four or five a day,” he said, using “Love Will Keep Us Together” by The Captain and Tennille as his inbox ringtone.

A spokesperson for Tinder did not respond to calls from The Okra, but released a press statement encouraging all militant groups to put down their guns turn on their mobile phones and access the application where all “your fantasies can come true” with a few clicks of the buttons.

While Sheikh has not confirmed if Tinder has been accepted as a band-aid solution to alleviate ISIS fighting, sources have told him it’s definitely on the table as a possibility with unconfirmed reports of ISIS soldiers getting in trouble from squad leaders for staying up at night and talking loudly with college girls on Tinder. “We’re not giving up on ISIS. We have to believe that some really good looking girls can be a part of the solution and help these men stop fighting.” He went on to recommend that Tinder could be also helpful to the Syrian government who for over two years has gone ballistic on their own people. “If we can’t use social networking as a tool to find peace, than maybe beautiful adventurous girls who like to laugh and want to get to know you maybe our next hope.”

Lebanese Hairdresser Who Beat Clooney’s Beau in Local Beauty Pageant Says ‘George Totally Settled’

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May 082014
clooney and Amal

Lebanese Hairdresser Who Beat Clooney’s Beau in Local Beauty Pageant Says ‘George Totally Settled’

By Rondha Hirzalla


clooney and AmalNewark (NJ)—A New Jersey woman, who miraculously beat George Clooney’s fiancée in a local beauty pageant 10 years ago, says he really shouldn’t have settled for number two when he could have gotten number one.

Nashwa El-Sabri, a Lebanese-American hairdresser from Lyndhurst who works at the Joanie Loves Chachi Beauty Salon expressed her disappointment with the engagement between heralded actor and director George Clooney and 36 year-old international lawyer Amal Alamuddin. El-Sabri explained she was the better woman based on her first place finish in a 2004 Miss Palisades Pageant hosted during the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry at Hank’s Bar & Grill off Route 63 in Palisades Park. Alamuddin, who at the time was studying at New York University Law School finished as the runner-up.

“There she was acting all exotic with her fancy hair and nails thinking she was going to win the contest,” said El-Sabri, who mentioned Alamuddin reluctantly competed only after friends encouraged her. El-Sabri said she spent 5 hours getting spray tanned for the pageant and was confident that her time and preparation would put her in a position to win. “I had my beautiful evening gown and cat walk ready to go. When I saw her, I knew she was my real threat.”

NJ girlEl-Sabri, 35, who is in her seventh year at Bergen Community College and plans to complete her degree in Cosmetics, said she doesn’t know how Clooney could
have picked Alamuddin. “Honestly, what does she have that I don’t? I won a beauty pageant. I have a lot of friends. And I won a beauty pageant.” When El-Sabri was later informed that Alamuddin works for the prestigious London law firm Doughty Street Chambers and has been appointed to a number of United Nations commissions including adviser to Special Envoy Kofi Annan on Syria and as Counsel to the 2013 Drone Inquiry, she was quick to respond. “Ok, but did she ever win a beauty pageant?”

While neither Alamuddin nor her publicist could be reached for comments on the decade old pageant, Hank Lieggi, owner of Hank’s Bar & Grill confirmed Alamuddin did participate in the event. “She really stood out from the rest of the girls,” he said. “Most of them were wearing the standard trashy Guidette outfits. But Amal, she just went up there with a t-shirt and jeans, more as a joke to make her friends laugh. She almost won too.”

NJ girl 2 and BFEl-Sabri is not the only woman bothered by Clooney’s decision with Alamuddin. Reports that actress and Clooney-ex Stacy Keibler was also ‘irked’ by the engagement as Clooney did not want to marry Kiebler while they were dating. Their relationship ended in 2013. Rumors of Kiebler’s bitterness were never substantiated. However in the case of El-Sabri, her bluntness was rather apparent. “Listen she may be all that to the rest of the world, but in New Jersey, she’s nothing! Do you hear me?! Nothing!”  Although the possibilities are slim, El-Sabri plans to rip Clooney to shreds if she ever sees him for apparently making a “boneheaded” choice. In the meantime, she looks forward to marrying her fiancée of 2 years in October, Citgo gas station manager Tarek Hamouda, who also won the 2012 title for Jersey Juicehead of the year.