Jul 232014
 

Detroit Residents Stunned Israel Not the 51st State of America

By Ed Majeed

@TheOkraNews

Detroit 2Detroit (MI)—A recent Gallup poll in Detroit this past week found over 89% of its residents believed Israel was the 51st state of the United States of America.

5,000 homeowners within the proper city district of Detroit were surveyed for public opinions related to the latest conflict in the Middle East, but also to question their knowledge on Israel. Surprisingly, 90.4% of respondents mistakenly took the country as a state in the union, detached from the mainland as with Hawaii. Even more remarkable was 78% supported the $3.5 billion in annual aid Israel received and its recent attack on Gaza calling the Palestinians “savages who want to take control of American soil.” Respondents were later told Israel was indeed not a part of the United States and the aid was not domestic, but foreign.

“What you mean, foreign?!” screamed Latoya Randolph, a salon stylist from the North End neighborhood of Detroit. “You telling me we giving $3 billion to a fucking country in the middle of nowhere while we all out here struggling to get groceries?! That’s just bullshit.”

Detroit 1

Randolph was pissed when she realized Israel was not a state

“Apparently the government hasn’t come to this town in a while,” said Leonard Tates, a retired police officer, who has been waiting for his pension to start since 2005 because city funds have been depleted. “This place is a dump and no one seems to be helping. But Israel is just having a grand old time out there on the Mediterranean putting honey on itself and rolling in my taxes.  I can’t believe this.”

Detroit, which was given the dubious title in 2013 by Forbes magazine as “most miserable city in America” has continued to struggle with high levels of crime and unemployment. Home prices have set unprecedented lows dropping 35% in the past three years to an average of $40,000 as more people have left. Last April, President Obama spoke to the state of Michigan to try and provide Detroit a whopping $100 million in federal funds to demolish vacant homes and buildings as well as remediating the city. However, it was still $3.4 billion short than Israel’s yearly allowance.

“Israel is a part of America and that is a fact,” said Charlie Dryer, a sanitations inspector for Motown Water Works. “I’m pretty sure they are known as the Blue-Grass state.” Dryer, like many other Detroiters, was clueless of the assistance the country had been receiving for the past six decades by the United States. “I thought they were one of us.”

Detroiters can't charge games for money, because no one has any.

Detroiters can’t charge games for money, because no one has any.

The Gallup Poll also discovered the favoritism of the American public towards Israel had been based on the bias of mainstream media which constantly praises the country for being heroic and valiant, the incessant advocacy by politicians on Israel and its safety, Barbra Streisand and the annoying 700 Club. However, with the advent of social media and live reporting in places such as Gaza and the West Bank, the attitudes of many have started to change. In addition organizations as Jewish Voice for Peace, Boycott Divestments and Sanctions (BDS) along with vocal critics such as Naomi Wolf and Noam Chomsky, who denounce the Palestinian occupation, have created more visibility for the crisis.

Still, despite proving Israel was not the 51st state, there were still respondents who refused to buy into the “lie.” My brother’s friend said he drove to Tel Aviv from Oregon last year,” said Christina Tallender, a resident of Rosedale Park. “And if he tells me that you can drive to Israel, you better believe it.”

BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

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Dec 192013
 

BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

santa and muslim kidsTroy, MI — In what surly turned heads and opened mouths in astonishment, a 49 year-old Muslim man attended Friday prayers donning a classic Santa outfit.

Kamran Bashir, a Senior Electrical Engineer for Motorola, walked into the Islamic Association of Greater Detroit in Rochester Hills out of breath and wearing the red sash clothes made famous by the fictional Kris Kringle, better known to people all over the world, as Santa Claus.

“I didn’t know what to make of it,” said Imam Faidi Tamim. “Here we are getting into the deep discussion on the importance of giving during the Holliday season when Santa Claus pops in. Strange.”

“Who does he think he is?!” said Mustak Patel, a regular on Fridays. “If he thinks he’s getting milk and cookies, he’s got another thing coming.”

Bashir had spent his morning buying Holliday gifts for colleagues at the Sunset Plaza Center in Troy when he noticed a handful of people complaining santamuslimkids2at the Winter Festival kiosk that the Santa Claus which the mall hires out each year for children to visit and provide their list of toys, was absent. Mall authorities were later informed the hired Santa help, Sean Richter, 47, of Royal Oak, had been on a 12 hour bender of binge drinking and was extremely hungover to attend the event.

With upset children and a growing number of frustrated parents, Bashir sprung into action and asked if he could act as the temporary Santa. Superviser of store operations Kirk Nelson said they didn’t have much of a choice despite the awkwardness. “In hindsight I don’t think he would have been our first pick, considering he doesn’t look like any of the Santas we’ve had in years past,” said Nelson who politely inferred that Bashir was brown as opposed to the traditional caucasian Santa, which ironically, became a heated media controversy last week when Fox News anchor Megyn Kelley humorously stated on her segment that Santa was indeed, a white person. But Nelson applauded Bashir’s help. “He really did come through. I mean there were other men here who could have done it, but no one stepped up to the plate. To me, he’s a hero for all the kids.”

Bashir, who became so absorbed in the role of playing Santa, realized he was running late to Friday prayers (commonly referred to as Jummah) and got into his car and drove to the mosque not aware he was still wearing the outfit. “I totally forgot what I was wearing, until I ran into the prayer room and everyone looked at me in horror,” said a bewildered Bashir. “I tried to play it cool and ignore the stares but I was getting flushed. Plus its so hot wearing that beard. Very unpleasant.”

Indian Santa ClauseAfter the sermon and prayers concluded, Bashir, now the first Muslin on record to have prayed in a Santa Claus outfit, attempted to get out of the room as quickly as possible but was mobbed by children, all requesting gifts. The scene turned into a frenzy as some men and women scolded him, insisting that he leave with his “reindeers before they throw him down a chimney.”

However, as most of the adults eventually departed, some mothers kept their kids around to meet and speak with Bashir. “Honestly, at the end of the day, Santa Claus is more for the kids than any religious reference,” Halima Wajeed, a resident of Bloomfield Hills. “People just need to relax a little bit. Besides, as a Muslim, Kamran was doing he is duty. There is no clause, no pun intended, that says he can’t pray as Santa. ”

Bashir says he has no plans anytime soon of becoming a regular Santa at Sunset Plaza, but that if they need him he’s ready on standby, just so long as its not on Friday.