Ben Affleck Converts to Islam after Maher Debate According to Reports

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Oct 092014
 

Ben Affleck Converts to Islam after Maher Debate According to Reports

By Taaraz ‘TJ’ Zakhif

@TheOkranews

#Gonegirl

AP REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER A ENT USA CABoston (MA)—Reports actor and director Ben Affleck has converted to Islam generated uncanny social media applause and rave throughout the Muslim community despite no confirmation from a credible source.

Affleck, who last week went head to head on the topic of Islam and extremism with comedian, critic and all-around Islam hater Bill Maher on his HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher, never acknowledged himself as a Muslim. But by sporting a scruffy beard and using frequent hand gestures to make a point as is common in many Middle Eastern countries, rumors quickly swirled the 42 year-old celebrity had taken a new leap of faith. Muslims organizations took little time in proclaiming the exciting but unsubstantiated news.

“We are so thrilled Ben has decided to become a Muslim!” said ISNA public relations manager Talha Badwani. “Bill thought he was going to pull a fast one on our brother, but Hadrat Affleck kept them in check. How you like me now?!”

The Affleck-Maher debate has become the latest trend streaming through the Internet. Intense  coverage complimented with thousands of comments have been posted on a myriad of media outlets reacting to Maher’s fiery negative rhetoric on Islam which did not subscribe to his liberal platform . Affleck refuted passionately and sharply towards Maher’s remarks as well as other guest and critic Sam Harris, who called Islam “the motherlode of bad ideas.”

“What is your solution? To condemn Islam?” Affleck later questioned Maher and Harris, atheists known for ridiculing religion, but particular fondness of verbally abusing a religion of over 1 billion followers. For many Muslims, Affleck echoed a voice of reason which somehow snowballed into gossip of his conversion ad swiftly made its ways from community centers to mosques throughout the country.

“We’re pretty sure he became a Muslim as of last week,” said Imam Feisal Ataullah of the Islamic Center of North Texas in Richardson, TX. “70% of the non-Muslims who speak with such emotion are always a Muslim.”  While that made no sense, Affleck, who starred in such movies as The Town, Argo and Good Will Hunting for which he won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay had also studied Middle Eastern affairs at Occidental College. To Ataullah the trivial knowledge of his education was just the cherry on top in his assumption Affleck had turned to Islam.  “Yeah I know he hasn’t taken the shahada (Islamic creed declaring the belief in one God), but come on, he’s so damn close!”

At least one news service wasted no time in declaring Affleck a Muslim. On the October 7th edition of Fox News’ Fox & Friends, co-host Steve Doocy and guest Dr. Zuhdi Jasser accused Affleck for “for arguing against charges that Islam is uniquely prone to violence and extremism,” referring to him as “Imam Ben Affleck.” As Jasser, a cardiologist, founder of the American Islamic forum for Democracy and a terrific asshole despised by the Muslim community wanted to denigrate Affleck, he ironically added more gasoline to the Affleck conversion suspicions which to some made it official.

“Never in a thousand years would I ever believe Fox,” said Maher Siyaf, Director of Outreach Development for Orange County Islamic Foundation.  “But this is too juicy to not believe. We love you Ben!”

Affleck’s publicist Ken Sunshine has denied any truth to the rumors of him becoming a Muslim, calling it yet another stunt by social media to rile society into more controversy. But he also didn’t deny another report which claims Affleck will be opening for Cat Stevens on his Winter tour later this year. Sunshine stated Affleck hasn’t made a decision.

Jul 232014
 

Detroit Residents Stunned Israel Not the 51st State of America

By Ed Majeed

@TheOkraNews

Detroit 2Detroit (MI)—A recent Gallup poll in Detroit this past week found over 89% of its residents believed Israel was the 51st state of the United States of America.

5,000 homeowners within the proper city district of Detroit were surveyed for public opinions related to the latest conflict in the Middle East, but also to question their knowledge on Israel. Surprisingly, 90.4% of respondents mistakenly took the country as a state in the union, detached from the mainland as with Hawaii. Even more remarkable was 78% supported the $3.5 billion in annual aid Israel received and its recent attack on Gaza calling the Palestinians “savages who want to take control of American soil.” Respondents were later told Israel was indeed not a part of the United States and the aid was not domestic, but foreign.

“What you mean, foreign?!” screamed Latoya Randolph, a salon stylist from the North End neighborhood of Detroit. “You telling me we giving $3 billion to a fucking country in the middle of nowhere while we all out here struggling to get groceries?! That’s just bullshit.”

Detroit 1

Randolph was pissed when she realized Israel was not a state

“Apparently the government hasn’t come to this town in a while,” said Leonard Tates, a retired police officer, who has been waiting for his pension to start since 2005 because city funds have been depleted. “This place is a dump and no one seems to be helping. But Israel is just having a grand old time out there on the Mediterranean putting honey on itself and rolling in my taxes.  I can’t believe this.”

Detroit, which was given the dubious title in 2013 by Forbes magazine as “most miserable city in America” has continued to struggle with high levels of crime and unemployment. Home prices have set unprecedented lows dropping 35% in the past three years to an average of $40,000 as more people have left. Last April, President Obama spoke to the state of Michigan to try and provide Detroit a whopping $100 million in federal funds to demolish vacant homes and buildings as well as remediating the city. However, it was still $3.4 billion short than Israel’s yearly allowance.

“Israel is a part of America and that is a fact,” said Charlie Dryer, a sanitations inspector for Motown Water Works. “I’m pretty sure they are known as the Blue-Grass state.” Dryer, like many other Detroiters, was clueless of the assistance the country had been receiving for the past six decades by the United States. “I thought they were one of us.”

Detroiters can't charge games for money, because no one has any.

Detroiters can’t charge games for money, because no one has any.

The Gallup Poll also discovered the favoritism of the American public towards Israel had been based on the bias of mainstream media which constantly praises the country for being heroic and valiant, the incessant advocacy by politicians on Israel and its safety, Barbra Streisand and the annoying 700 Club. However, with the advent of social media and live reporting in places such as Gaza and the West Bank, the attitudes of many have started to change. In addition organizations as Jewish Voice for Peace, Boycott Divestments and Sanctions (BDS) along with vocal critics such as Naomi Wolf and Noam Chomsky, who denounce the Palestinian occupation, have created more visibility for the crisis.

Still, despite proving Israel was not the 51st state, there were still respondents who refused to buy into the “lie.” My brother’s friend said he drove to Tel Aviv from Oregon last year,” said Christina Tallender, a resident of Rosedale Park. “And if he tells me that you can drive to Israel, you better believe it.”

Mar 272014
 

Report: Arab Summit After-Party Gets “Totally Awkward” when Muslim Brotherhood Show Up

By Adnan Munir
@TheOkraNews

afterparty2

(Kuwait City) Kuwait—much of the laughter, schmoozing and dancing grinded to a halt at the 25th annual Arab League Summit gallant after-party last night, when delegates of the Islamic political organization, the Muslim Brotherhood surprisingly arrived uninvited.

Sources at the party confirmed the Muslim Brotherhood walked in rather casually to the party which hosted more than 100 dignitaries representing 14 Arab countries. But when it was revealed by the event organizers that the Brotherhood was in the room, much of the music and joyous camaraderie fizzled out as the uneasy feeling of dealing with an organization which had 529 of its supporters sentenced to death last week for allegedly beating a police officer in Egypt, came over the crowd.

“Complete buzzkill,” said Saud bin Shareef, attaché for Bahrain Cultural Affairs. “I mean who invited them anyways? They [Muslim Brotherhood] were in no mood for partying and it completely put a damper on the night. What’s worse is they didn’t want to leave.” It was later reported that a state representative for Qatar had asked the members of the Muslim Brotherhood to come. That individual was later not invited to breakfast at Denny’s with the other party-revelers.

The Arab League Summit held this year in Kuwait City, is a two-day conference among various heads of states to discuss socio-political issues in the Middle East. While highly sensitive issues such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to Syria’s ongoing civil war have been part of this week’s agenda, the charges against the Muslim Brotherhood by Egypt’s Supreme Constitutional Court, has been a highly contentious topic. However, that didn’t stop the four-man Muslim Brotherhood Crew from taking in a little good time.

“It was totally awkward,” said Rima Al-Fatwani, Kuwait City’s state social event chairperson and organizer of the party that was held at the JW Marriott. “They were just kind of stoic not saying much and looking a little sad. Frankly, I think they could have used a hug.”

While witnesses did say there was no confrontation with the Muslim Brotherhood despite some stare-downs between them and Egyptian officials, the mood was for the most part tense. Lebanon’s Secretary of Communications Hamad Saharawi tried to break the silence by offering them a beverage and inquiring if their NCAA brackets had been busted which provided some form of communication. The only light relief came later in the evening, when the sound of ice cubes clinking in glasses was replaced with some festive karaoke which made even the Muslim Brotherhood smile. They even joined the small makeshift stage for an eerie Arabic-English rendition of Steely Dan’s “Do It Again”. Yet, apart from that incident, the Brotherhood for much of the night, stood against the walls sipping Qahwa. Said Al-Fatwani, “it was like they were waiting for the slow dances to come on. But they never did.”