Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

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Mar 072014

Little Mosque in Utah Finally Footloose—Declare Dancing Permissible

By Sossannah Riyaad

footlooseSalt Lake City (UT)—after deliberating for more than 2 hours, Crescent Mosque officially declared dancing as permissible for the Muslim community in Lehi, Utah. Over 200 people, mostly teenagers and some parents rejoiced when the decision was announced at 1 pm (MST) shortly before Friday Prayers.
“Crescent Mosque, in a 6-4 vote, has decided dancing in moderation to be safe,” said Communication Secretary Saffiyah Mulham. “An evaluation still needs to be conducted on whether certain moves such as the Harlem Shake and different genres of music are within acceptable boundaries. But for now, dancing will be allowed.”
The hot and often controversial issue began in the small community just 30 miles outside of Salt Lake City, close to a year ago when 18-year old Senior, Kamran Sultan, a recent transplant from Chicago had suggested the idea to other Muslim high school students after he realized his new home lacked any excitement. His idea didn’t gain much momentum as most kids were afraid to tamper with the religious laws that had been implemented by the town’s respected Turkish Imam, Dr. Rafi Ali.
“I just couldn’t believe there wasn’t anything fun to do here,” said Sultan who claimed he used to dance by himself at a steel mill located just outside the town. “I knew it wasn’t going to be like Chicago, but this was really dead.”
Sultan, who along with his mom, moved in with her brother’s family in Lehi after she lost her job, was initially considered an outcast. He was constantly challenged to fights and playing chicken with tractors. Eventually, his rebel attitude but good-natured ways inspired the kids at school, including the Imam’s daughter, 17-year old, Syma (who reportedly is in love with him) to advocate dancing.
“Kamran has always been a super-cool guy driven to get what he wants,” said Hibbah Nayyab a senior at Alpine High School, and a spot-on doppelganger to Sarah Jessica Parker. “Plus I think he and my bestie Syma are going to get married!”
While many of the youth and even some adults lobbied the proposal for dancing to Crescent board members, Dr. Ali was adamantly opposed and forbade any discussion of it, even stating at a press interview that rock, techno, electronica and hip-hop music were evil, though he quietly avoided mentioning disco. However, Ali’s views changed at a town hall discussion last Sunday when both parties presented their case. While Sultan failed to find any reference to dancing in the Qur’an, he brilliantly used an argument from the school of Shafi which considers dancing as ‘not unlawful unless it is languid.’
“Hey, give credit to the kid [Sultan]. He did his homework and found evidence,” said a noticeably relaxed Ali. “But I felt like I was in a movie with all this drama. Wait, wasn’t this a story in a film?”
“Kamran really opened up the flood gates of happiness around here,” said Taha Jamil, Sultan’s best friend and a frequent wearer of overalls. “He’s not only made all of this happen, but he’s teaching me how to dance!” Jamil said his lessons have been coming well as he has practically completed a choreographed sequence to Kenny Loggin’s “Footloose.”
Despite the decision, Crescent Board did warn co-ed mixers would be heavily chaperoned, which left some a little deflated. However, Sultan said he’s ok with the discrepancy and dancing with caution is better than not dancing at all.
“It’s a start. I think the town is showing progress. Plus it’s better than dancing at a steel mill all alone.”

Nov 082013

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”


Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”


The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”

Sep 202013

by Sameer Khalil

After months of intense surveillance involving dozens of undercover police officers at local mosques, classified reports recently disclosed numerous serious threats which included misplaced shoes, extreme tardiness, and the shortchanging of samosas during lunch break.

For 6 months, the New York Police Department used undercover cops to pose as worshippers, Imams, Muslim teachers and students in an effort to infiltrate hardcore mosques to expose dangerous issues.

NYPD Surveillance Report Shows Disturbing Activities at Local MosquesOfficer Mike Jones, 43, attended Dar-ul-Medina in the Bronx for daily prayers over several months only to have repeated shocking discoveries. “On numerous occasions, I was leaving the prayer hall to the shoe rack area to grab my shoes” said Jones. “When searching for them, there were several occasions they went missing. I was shocked because I remembered exactly where I placed them, and then they were suddenly gone.” A stressed out Jones recalls the events were most notable during Friday prayers, an atmosphere he describes only as “chaotic.” “I eventually found the shoes two or three slots over after they were moved. Thank god I have a background in advanced security intelligence.”

Aside from daily prayer activities, NYPD officers infiltrated the Averroes full time Islamic School in Queens. During a lunch break, field Officer Joe Peroni, 31, was in line for a prepared meal which was to contain two samosas, biryani, and a brownie, but was shocked at what he found. “Everyone knows what’s in a lunch meal” he said furiously. “Yet somehow, mine had only one samosa!” Peroni said he felt the urge to arrest the cafeteria lady, but added, “The key is patience” as he documented every detail. “They’re all going down eventually.”

Perhaps the most notorious threat was one that was avoided. Captain Mike Dorchester, attended the Islamic Cultural Association annual dinner and fundraising event in the Brooklyn. While the event was scheduled for 7pm, Dorchester keenly noticed barely a few people were in attendance. After waiting 30 minutes, only a few guests entered the 500-capacity hall. “I then realized they were on to me,” Dorchester said. “They must have had the gathering at a mystery location once my cover was blown.” Dorchester was relieved to escape before imminent danger but managed to gather some key intelligence. “Before leaving, I asked a small group if they knew why nobody was in attendance. There were no answers,” Dorchester added. “As I began to walk away, I heard someone say the words ‘desi time.’ I’m pretty sure that’s some type of code word for an Al Qaida splinter cell.”

Imam Hamid Khan was horrified to hear of the allegations. “We are law abiding, American citizens,” he pleaded. “I personally was unaware of such misconduct in our mosques.”

Jones disagrees. After his traumatic experience and other observations over a 6 month period, he and other NYPD officers are ready to present substantial evidence in special court hearings that may eventually shut down Dar-ul-Madina.

Meanwhile, the NYPD’s surveillance program announced an expansion which will cover more mosques, 5000 undercover police and a $300 annual million dollar budget. “It’s resource well spent” says Mayor Michael Bloomberg “I mean it’s not like New York has any other needs this crucial.”

73% of American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football lineups during Prayer Services

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Sep 162013

Dallas, TX— Noah, Jesus, and Mary, highly respected individuals in the Quran, have taken a backseat to Megatron, Matty Ice and AP as a recent survey reported 71% American Muslim males tend to deeply think of fantasy football lineups during prayer services.

Minaret Sports and Science Research (MSSR) in San Jose, CA surveyed 1000 American Muslim men between the ages of 18-50 from September-December 2012 to determine how honest and sincere they were to God during the 5 standard obligatory prayers. Overwhelmingly, more than 70% of respondents claimed thoughts were on fantasy football leagues and if their roster was ready to contest with the opponent of the week. The figure dipped to less than half at 48.5% after Sunday night, but quickly increased as the days progressed throughout the week. An exclusive Saturday sample showed 87% were honed in on their games for Sunday while observing prayers.

American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football Lineup During Prayer Services

Javid, a 34 year- old Dentist who wished to remain anonymous says that prayers are really the only opportunity during his hectic day of thinking about his team. “Between work, spending time with family and just trying to keep everything from getting crazy, salat is unfortunately the time to reflect on my team” he said rather ashamedly. ” I know I should be connecting with God—but right now I’m thinking about not starting Pat Fitzgerald (WR, Cardinals) against the 49ers great D. Man, I don’t know.”

Dr. Hamid Badawi, a psychologist at MSSR says during football season, stated it’s typical to see males gravitate towards obsession with the game and that competitiveness has a lot to do with it. “They’re men, regardless if they’re Muslim or not. They are focused on beating their friends.” Badawi says that while Fantasy football is simply yet another sports game to build camaraderie it can also be addictive, citing the 87% statistic for Saturday prayers as someone who is unconsciously going through the motions of prayer. “The man is so deep in football thought he couldn’t tell you if he was in the mosque or driving in his car. He’s completely oblivious to the outside for that brief point in time. It’s like some Sufi trance.”

Khalid Mirza, 46, came to the realization that his fantasy football playing was taking over his mind, making him giddy, sad, happy and angry as soon as he started to pray. He decided to hang it up and walked away despite winning 3 championships in 10 years as part of a 12-team conference. “I realized that I was in trouble when my dad asked me to lead prayers at a party and couldn’t remember Fatiha [the opening and most elementary verses for all prayers] because I kept thinking Brady should light up the Jets for at least 300 yards on Monday night. My dad was so pissed! He said I should take Lithium.” Mirza said he has not played in over 3 years even though he gets calls from his friends for advice on players. “Do I miss it? Absolutely. But I couldn’t control myself. I mean when you’re standing for over 10 minutes listening to someone recite Old Arabic and have no clue what he’s saying, the outlet is fantasy strategy. Still—it doesn’t make it right.”

While Muslim Community Centers have shrugged off Fantasy football as a novelty and have avoided any terms such as ‘epidemic’, some are concerned that it’s demonstrating a bad example to kids. Syra Ali, a mom and board member for Al-Ansar mosque in Freemont, CA says while her 14-year old son and husband both have fantasy football teams and spend great amount of time with each other talking ‘shop’, she’s scared their obligation to pray is mitigating. “I watched a college student Sunday afternoon complete his prayers in 20 seconds then turn his smart phone on so he could get the scores for the games. It takes usually takes 5-7 minutes to complete any one prayer. 20 seconds!” Ali says that if she sees any more “Fast and Furious” style of praying, she will request for a fatwa to ban fantasy football.