Jan 242014

Bored FBI Pull White House Petition Prank—collects 7 years of data on American Muslims in less than 2 weeks

By Adnan Hussein

FBI 2In an attempt to relive the glory years after being disenchanted with politically correct blah-blah, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) admitted today the recent White House petition to grant Eid al-Fitr, the religious celebration observed in Islam, as a Federal Holliday, was just an old gag to collect new data on Muslims in the United States.

“That was easy,” said FBI Deputy Director Larry Crosby to a raucous and jubilant crowd of field agents, U.S. Marshalls and reporters. “No, it was easy! Too easy!!  I’m done. I don’t want to play no more.” Crosby, wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat, told the packed conference room of more than 500 he didn’t realize a simple tactic, first administered in the 1960s through the covert and sometimes illegal FBI operations known as COINTELPRO, could still be effective. “Back then our Godfather J. Edgar Hoover had a plan to exploit the Black Panthers, KKK, The NAACP, and The Weathermen. I’m proud to say we have carried on the tradition of infiltration and successfully accessed thousands upon thousands of personal information from American Muslims.”

“We got 7 years’ worth of data in less than 2 weeks,” said Janine Epstein, FBI assistant communications analyst for Eastern Division. “Boy, Larry is a maverick. And all he really wanted was a little fun.”

Because of constitutional guidelines, a new referendum to the Privacy Act and a strict policy to government ethics mandated by the White House, monitoring any ethnic or religious group has to be methodical, appropriate and approachable for an audit. The FBI said after such rules were enforced they got bored with surveillance and digging up little tidbits on Muslims.

However according to FBI sources while at a retirement party last October for Senior Director of Operations Mike Fitzgerald, Crosby and his team indulged on the idea to pull a prank like the old days to see how far they could go. It was then suggested to setup a supposed online White House petition. Asked why they targeted Muslims for the joke, one anonymous agent exclaimed “come on—Muslims get so serious about everything. They‘re passionate people, but have no clue when it comes to getting punked. I mean they can’t even figure out The Okra. How are they going to figure out a fake online petition?”

In December of last year, FBI informants acting as teachers at a Virginia high school, identified and persuaded three junior high school Muslim girls to send an op-ed piece to the Washington Post, which conveyed their heart-felt desire to grant the Eids as Federal Holidays. They encouraged Muslims to sign an online petition which would be sent to the White House.

“As if the United States is going to give two religious holidays, which mind you, float every year, a federal status!” laughed Crosby. Ridonkuless!”  While not enough signatures had been collected for the White House to “ponder” stamping Eid a federal Holliday, more than 83,000 Muslims did provide their home contacts which made the prank a success.

“This is really a betrayal to me and the Muslim community at large,” said Qasim Hamada, Secretary-General for The American Muslim Strategy and Alliance. “How dare they use us for their own amusement. This was a serious bid to recognize a major Holliday—and it’s not Festivus!” Hamada said his organization will boycott all support to the FBI for future homeland investigations and demands an apology.

“Oh come on!” said Crosby. “It was a joke. Lighten up. It’s not as if we’re going to solicit your information to anyone. We promise to keep it with us forever.”

43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

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Jan 212014

43 Year-Old Bachelor Thinks He ‘Still Has Shot’ Marrying 20-Something Girls

By Hannah Rizwi

bachelor, san jose, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Spring Break, bikinis, hejab, zumba, University of California, muslim girls, social mediaSan Jose (CA) — A 43 year-old Muslim bachelor, who for years had been celebrating the single life, has decided he wants to settle down and marry a woman nearly half his age.

Sami Shareef, a resident of Fruitdale, California and a Senior Security Engineer for Cisco, declared his biggest goal for 2014 would be to please his parents, who had all but given up on their only son after they found a picture last year in his Instagram account of Shareef in Acapulco, Mexico. He was wearing a sombrero with two women dressed in bikinis on his lap. The digital photo album was titled Spring Break Biaaatch-2013.

“I was shocked when I saw the photos, but it only confirmed my thoughts about him,” said Shareef’s father Ather. “I knew he was the fraternizing type over a decade ago when he came into our home for an Eid Al-Adha party dressed in a toga, even though he claimed it was an ihram,” the elder Shareef stated, referring to the white garments all Muslim men wear when attending the annual pilgrimage of Hajj. “God really had a sense of humor when He made Sammi.”

While he has not mentioned any one woman specifically, Shareef, who is also called by his friends as ‘Good Times Sammi’, said he was reluctant to find someone closer his age as he believes older women are much pickier and tend to be finicky with their selection. “Honestly, I just couldn’t see it happening. I think I’m much more flexible than they are,” Shareef asserted. “All I want is a simple Muslim girl who is religious, but loves to party; a girl who wears hijab but can also convert it into a mini-skirt. And she has to kind of look like Heidi Klum. It’s a very meager request. I’ve become humble.”

The news of Shareef’s intentions met with hysterical laughter from just about all Muslim women in the San Jose area. “He has got to be out of his mind,” said Hina Malik, a 26 year-old dentist from Cupertino. “Look at him! Only an airhead would go for this guy.” Malik was quick to note the hundreds of selfies Shareef posted on Facebook, including one video of him in a Zumba tank top flexing his biceps and calling them ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction.’

“He’s 43 and I’m 28,” said Sarah Basool, an attorney from Sunnyvale when asked if she would consider Shareef. “Talk about rocking the cradle.” Basool said there is no girl with common sense that would ever marry him let alone think its not creepy. “He graduated high school in 1989 when I was 3 years old! Ewwwww.”

“This man appears to be somewhat cocky and most likely a self-inflicting narcissist,” said Dr. Osama Nadar, a clinical psychologist at the University of California in Berkeley . “While the significant gap in age between two spouses is not unheard of in America, in Mr. Shareef’s case, its all about vanity.” Nadar described Shareef as a person similar to many older single males who’s ego most likely was massively rejuvenated through the conception of social media in the early 2000s. “Normally these macho types probably hit rock bottom when they get to 35 as they realized they were just a shadow of their youth. But the internet has changed all that. Now a man who’s well beyond his prime can act and feel immature as much as he wants through the comfort of images he posts. That’s priceless.”

However, Shareef insists he has grown up and become everything he wanted to be.
“I’ve definitely changed. I have a job. I only go to Mardi Gras every other year and frat parties have been reduced to only once a month. I even stopped dressing as a leprechaun for St. Patty’s day back in 2011,” Shareef said. “So I think its now time for that one lucky lady to find out what Good Times Sammi is all about!”