Bored FBI Pull White House Petition Prank—collects 7 years of data on American Muslims in less than 2 weeks
By Adnan Hussein
In an attempt to relive the glory years after being disenchanted with politically correct blah-blah, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) admitted today the recent White House petition to grant Eid al-Fitr, the religious celebration observed in Islam, as a Federal Holliday, was just an old gag to collect new data on Muslims in the United States.
“That was easy,” said FBI Deputy Director Larry Crosby to a raucous and jubilant crowd of field agents, U.S. Marshalls and reporters. “No, it was easy! Too easy!! I’m done. I don’t want to play no more.” Crosby, wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat, told the packed conference room of more than 500 he didn’t realize a simple tactic, first administered in the 1960s through the covert and sometimes illegal FBI operations known as COINTELPRO, could still be effective. “Back then our Godfather J. Edgar Hoover had a plan to exploit the Black Panthers, KKK, The NAACP, and The Weathermen. I’m proud to say we have carried on the tradition of infiltration and successfully accessed thousands upon thousands of personal information from American Muslims.”
“We got 7 years’ worth of data in less than 2 weeks,” said Janine Epstein, FBI assistant communications analyst for Eastern Division. “Boy, Larry is a maverick. And all he really wanted was a little fun.”
Because of constitutional guidelines, a new referendum to the Privacy Act and a strict policy to government ethics mandated by the White House, monitoring any ethnic or religious group has to be methodical, appropriate and approachable for an audit. The FBI said after such rules were enforced they got bored with surveillance and digging up little tidbits on Muslims.
However according to FBI sources while at a retirement party last October for Senior Director of Operations Mike Fitzgerald, Crosby and his team indulged on the idea to pull a prank like the old days to see how far they could go. It was then suggested to setup a supposed online White House petition. Asked why they targeted Muslims for the joke, one anonymous agent exclaimed “come on—Muslims get so serious about everything. They‘re passionate people, but have no clue when it comes to getting punked. I mean they can’t even figure out The Okra. How are they going to figure out a fake online petition?”
In December of last year, FBI informants acting as teachers at a Virginia high school, identified and persuaded three junior high school Muslim girls to send an op-ed piece to the Washington Post, which conveyed their heart-felt desire to grant the Eids as Federal Holidays. They encouraged Muslims to sign an online petition which would be sent to the White House.
“As if the United States is going to give two religious holidays, which mind you, float every year, a federal status!” laughed Crosby. Ridonkuless!” While not enough signatures had been collected for the White House to “ponder” stamping Eid a federal Holliday, more than 83,000 Muslims did provide their home contacts which made the prank a success.
“This is really a betrayal to me and the Muslim community at large,” said Qasim Hamada, Secretary-General for The American Muslim Strategy and Alliance. “How dare they use us for their own amusement. This was a serious bid to recognize a major Holliday—and it’s not Festivus!” Hamada said his organization will boycott all support to the FBI for future homeland investigations and demands an apology.
“Oh come on!” said Crosby. “It was a joke. Lighten up. It’s not as if we’re going to solicit your information to anyone. We promise to keep it with us forever.”