Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

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Nov 142013

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

By Qaiser Sosse


Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Karachi, Pakistan—A new study released today by the Berkeley Psychic Institute cited an increase number of Jinns are requiring therapy at treatment centers due to the decline of supernatural observations in Pakistan.

The study, which also conducted a survey of Jinn stories and its impact on society, found almost 23% of Pakistanis have started to scoff paranormal accounts using rational judgment to explain haunted houses and devil possessed individuals.

However, Jinns in Pakistan have recently been critical of the international intellectual community and its rejection to unexplained occurrences. Humans who claim to have seen cats suspended in air, little kids walking through walls and demonic exorcisms have unanimously been declared by scientists, as mentally insane. This has led to a growing frustration by Jinns,who have protested the allegations, but alarmingly have also required counseling from both Jinn and human counselors to boost their confidence.

“This is bullshit! Every little thing has to be questioned with some form of logic!” hollered Jezwan, a male Jinn who has been living for nearly 2000 years in Lahore’s Defense district. “Who else is slamming your windows and opening up refrigerator doors?!”

“It’s becoming an epidemic, one in which we don’t have a definitive answer,” said Imam Kamran Mallick. Mallick, known throughout South Asia as a skilled exorcist having “saved” the souls of over 300 people, said Jinns are having a tough time with what he calls a paranormal recession. “This entire week my staff has been taking a lot of calls from Jinns who are depressed. We’ve had a number of them come in and say they just don’t want to live anymore. It’s been tough. Plus its hurting my business.”

“We take offense to such tasteless and decrepit reports,” said Gwara, executive Chair-jinn for Jinns of a United Pakistan to a thunderous applause that no humans heard. “While we understand some will never accept the actions we do within the realms of earthly dimensions, they can’t base everything on common sense.” Her words echoed the younger demographic of Jinns who have been finding it tougher to enter a market in which humans are not believing Jinn stories and accounts of them taking the form of men, women, trees and animals.

Last week, another organization, The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Jinns (NAACJ) held a press conference at the National Art Gallery in Islamabad to try and set the record straight with the “so-called” circumstantial evidence that has been causing controversy.

“How can they not assume the noise in their attic isn’t us?” said Quidonar, Communications Director for the NAACJ. “Scientists want you to believe we can never interact with humans. They think our ability to touch and feel, to hear and see is limited within the confines of our own world. They don’t want us to integrate. This is racism, classicism and eroticism!”  Quidonar blamed books and technology for causing the recent troubles, citing education as a massive problem for the Jinn movement. “It’s been hard to deal with people who utilize their brains to assume our lack of participation.”

Despite such issues from many Jinns, the Berkeley report did state that more than 75% of Pakistanis still believed in paranormal activity, while over 50% felt they had a home haunted. Dr. Jazzwa, a jinn and Professor of Human skepticism at Gozer University, feels very comfortable with those numbers.

“It basically tells you Pakistanis are still believers of us and don’t want to use scientific hypothesis as the basis for believing in the obvious,” said Jazzwa who believes things will soon turn around. “Thank God for the Taliban. Because of their diligent efforts in trying to shoot children who attend school, burning down libraries and firm stance against vital information sources such as the Internet, I believe it won’t be long before we see a rise of more Jinn stories from this country,” said a teary-eyed Jazza. “They’re my heroes.”

Sep 202013

by Sameer Khalil

After months of intense surveillance involving dozens of undercover police officers at local mosques, classified reports recently disclosed numerous serious threats which included misplaced shoes, extreme tardiness, and the shortchanging of samosas during lunch break.

For 6 months, the New York Police Department used undercover cops to pose as worshippers, Imams, Muslim teachers and students in an effort to infiltrate hardcore mosques to expose dangerous issues.

NYPD Surveillance Report Shows Disturbing Activities at Local MosquesOfficer Mike Jones, 43, attended Dar-ul-Medina in the Bronx for daily prayers over several months only to have repeated shocking discoveries. “On numerous occasions, I was leaving the prayer hall to the shoe rack area to grab my shoes” said Jones. “When searching for them, there were several occasions they went missing. I was shocked because I remembered exactly where I placed them, and then they were suddenly gone.” A stressed out Jones recalls the events were most notable during Friday prayers, an atmosphere he describes only as “chaotic.” “I eventually found the shoes two or three slots over after they were moved. Thank god I have a background in advanced security intelligence.”

Aside from daily prayer activities, NYPD officers infiltrated the Averroes full time Islamic School in Queens. During a lunch break, field Officer Joe Peroni, 31, was in line for a prepared meal which was to contain two samosas, biryani, and a brownie, but was shocked at what he found. “Everyone knows what’s in a lunch meal” he said furiously. “Yet somehow, mine had only one samosa!” Peroni said he felt the urge to arrest the cafeteria lady, but added, “The key is patience” as he documented every detail. “They’re all going down eventually.”

Perhaps the most notorious threat was one that was avoided. Captain Mike Dorchester, attended the Islamic Cultural Association annual dinner and fundraising event in the Brooklyn. While the event was scheduled for 7pm, Dorchester keenly noticed barely a few people were in attendance. After waiting 30 minutes, only a few guests entered the 500-capacity hall. “I then realized they were on to me,” Dorchester said. “They must have had the gathering at a mystery location once my cover was blown.” Dorchester was relieved to escape before imminent danger but managed to gather some key intelligence. “Before leaving, I asked a small group if they knew why nobody was in attendance. There were no answers,” Dorchester added. “As I began to walk away, I heard someone say the words ‘desi time.’ I’m pretty sure that’s some type of code word for an Al Qaida splinter cell.”

Imam Hamid Khan was horrified to hear of the allegations. “We are law abiding, American citizens,” he pleaded. “I personally was unaware of such misconduct in our mosques.”

Jones disagrees. After his traumatic experience and other observations over a 6 month period, he and other NYPD officers are ready to present substantial evidence in special court hearings that may eventually shut down Dar-ul-Madina.

Meanwhile, the NYPD’s surveillance program announced an expansion which will cover more mosques, 5000 undercover police and a $300 annual million dollar budget. “It’s resource well spent” says Mayor Michael Bloomberg “I mean it’s not like New York has any other needs this crucial.”

73% of American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football lineups during Prayer Services

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Sep 162013

Dallas, TX— Noah, Jesus, and Mary, highly respected individuals in the Quran, have taken a backseat to Megatron, Matty Ice and AP as a recent survey reported 71% American Muslim males tend to deeply think of fantasy football lineups during prayer services.

Minaret Sports and Science Research (MSSR) in San Jose, CA surveyed 1000 American Muslim men between the ages of 18-50 from September-December 2012 to determine how honest and sincere they were to God during the 5 standard obligatory prayers. Overwhelmingly, more than 70% of respondents claimed thoughts were on fantasy football leagues and if their roster was ready to contest with the opponent of the week. The figure dipped to less than half at 48.5% after Sunday night, but quickly increased as the days progressed throughout the week. An exclusive Saturday sample showed 87% were honed in on their games for Sunday while observing prayers.

American Muslim Males Contemplate Fantasy Football Lineup During Prayer Services

Javid, a 34 year- old Dentist who wished to remain anonymous says that prayers are really the only opportunity during his hectic day of thinking about his team. “Between work, spending time with family and just trying to keep everything from getting crazy, salat is unfortunately the time to reflect on my team” he said rather ashamedly. ” I know I should be connecting with God—but right now I’m thinking about not starting Pat Fitzgerald (WR, Cardinals) against the 49ers great D. Man, I don’t know.”

Dr. Hamid Badawi, a psychologist at MSSR says during football season, stated it’s typical to see males gravitate towards obsession with the game and that competitiveness has a lot to do with it. “They’re men, regardless if they’re Muslim or not. They are focused on beating their friends.” Badawi says that while Fantasy football is simply yet another sports game to build camaraderie it can also be addictive, citing the 87% statistic for Saturday prayers as someone who is unconsciously going through the motions of prayer. “The man is so deep in football thought he couldn’t tell you if he was in the mosque or driving in his car. He’s completely oblivious to the outside for that brief point in time. It’s like some Sufi trance.”

Khalid Mirza, 46, came to the realization that his fantasy football playing was taking over his mind, making him giddy, sad, happy and angry as soon as he started to pray. He decided to hang it up and walked away despite winning 3 championships in 10 years as part of a 12-team conference. “I realized that I was in trouble when my dad asked me to lead prayers at a party and couldn’t remember Fatiha [the opening and most elementary verses for all prayers] because I kept thinking Brady should light up the Jets for at least 300 yards on Monday night. My dad was so pissed! He said I should take Lithium.” Mirza said he has not played in over 3 years even though he gets calls from his friends for advice on players. “Do I miss it? Absolutely. But I couldn’t control myself. I mean when you’re standing for over 10 minutes listening to someone recite Old Arabic and have no clue what he’s saying, the outlet is fantasy strategy. Still—it doesn’t make it right.”

While Muslim Community Centers have shrugged off Fantasy football as a novelty and have avoided any terms such as ‘epidemic’, some are concerned that it’s demonstrating a bad example to kids. Syra Ali, a mom and board member for Al-Ansar mosque in Freemont, CA says while her 14-year old son and husband both have fantasy football teams and spend great amount of time with each other talking ‘shop’, she’s scared their obligation to pray is mitigating. “I watched a college student Sunday afternoon complete his prayers in 20 seconds then turn his smart phone on so he could get the scores for the games. It takes usually takes 5-7 minutes to complete any one prayer. 20 seconds!” Ali says that if she sees any more “Fast and Furious” style of praying, she will request for a fatwa to ban fantasy football.


Sep 052013

Chicago, IL — In what must be considered the dumbest act of the year, a Muslim groom pledged to give his bride a dowry of $100,000 only to find out she planned to collect just moments after the wedding.

Mohsin Aftab, a native of Naperville, IL was stunned to hear his wife, Laila Mujahid, also from Naperville, request the lump sum just after they had cut the wedding cake. Said Aftab, “I thought she was kidding. No one really pays it, right?” referring to the dowry or mahr, an Islamic tradition in which the man pays the woman or her family, a financial sum once agreed upon between the two parties. The dowry is usually conducted at the wedding and prior to the marriage vows. In most cases it is usually paid through the course of a marriage when stipulated. Apparently for Aftab there was no timeline given and was stunned that his new in-laws called his bluff. “I cannot explain in words what I’m feeling.”

Yesterday evening, the wedding festivities started with jubilation in the northern Chicago suburb of Skokie at the Holliday Inn, where Aftab came on a horse to the hotel lobby surrounded by family and friends. The 29 year-old attorney of Pakistani descent proudly walked into the main hall with his groomsmen grooving to Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body.” The 26 year-old bride-to-be soon joined Aftab at the stage where Imam Shaffi Iqbal started the exchange of vows.

Bride Groom Pakistan 100k Dowry

After some light reading from the Quran, Iqbal then spoke of the dowry and the obligation of a Muslim male to provide a gift for the woman. While Aftab was not required to reveal the amount, he took the microphone and proudly disclosed the dowry of $100,000 to gasps and shouts of “Oh my God” by wedding guests. On average, most dowries are between $5,000 and $15,000.

Once the “I do’s” were completed, Mujahid’s parents, in a haze of euphoria, launched into laughter and high-fives with the bride’s side. Not realizing entirely what he had done, but feeling a slight sting, Aftab continued to smile as the Mujhaids formed a conga-line and danced with other family members. Khan later had to call order to quell the hoopla.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen such excitement over a dowry before,” said a livid Iqbal who watched the bride side go bananas on the make-shift dance floor. “Then again I’ve never seen a moron want to give a $100k to his wife at his wedding. Jesus—that’s just crazy.”

“We are thrilled to have Mohsin join our family and certainly the dowry he’s giving to Laila is fantastic,” said Quddus Mujahid, the ecstatic father of the bride, who said he had a ton of bills to pay off. “I feel like I won the lottery!” When asked why he assumed Aftab would pay now, Mujahid was quick to point out the groom never provided a due date of the payment and technically it’s the right of the wife to ask for it when requested. His daughter agreed. “Hey—I’m not the one who said I wanted that much loot. “I didn’t know he had so much bling!” Mujahid’s friends were also on a high, screaming multiple times the famous Dave Chappelle line, “I’m rich, biatch!”

The mood on the groom’s side was rather depressing bordering on the atmosphere of pre-eulogy. Aftab’s Uncle, Tanweer Siddiqui, a witness for the wedding, spoke briefly after dinner on the couple. “I hope you find peace, faith and happiness, although one of you I feel has found it already,” he said to wild applause from half the room. Aftab and his friends declined to present their speeches, offering their bandwidth to the bride’s side who looked more like they were accepting an Oscar from the Academy than offering support and best wishes to the new Mr. & Mrs. Aftab. “I want to thank my brother-in-law for being such a great guy and making me and my parents happy for marrying my sister,” said Mujahid’s younger brother, who also kindly told Aftab that a personal check would be more than acceptable.

However, by the end of the evening, all love was lost as Aftab broke down and conveyed he only had $5000 in his bank account, much to the anger and dismay of his wife. He then apologized and asked for her forgiveness. Unfortunately, Mujahid declined and said that unless he shows up with the $100,000 he had presented as a gift, she would be living with her parents. Aftab’s father has filed an injunction preventing the Mujahids from seeking monetary reward based on the dowry verbal agreement.