Breaking News: Tariq Ramadan agrees to attend ISNA Convention pending changes

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Aug 282014
 

Breaking News: Tariq Ramadan agrees to attend ISNA Convention pending changes

Tariq Ramadan in TV debate on minarets in SwitzerlandLast month, Dr. Tariq Ramadan, a prominent Islamic scholar and leader from Switzerland, surprised Muslims in North America with a public announcement. In an open letter, he noted that he would not attend either the ISNA or RIS Conventions this year due to concerns he had with each organization. Dr. Ramadan explained his positions in the form of a public letter. ISNA responded back to his concerns, which focused  mostly on their stances on domestic and foreign policy. It was rumored that there might be discussions between the two parties to reconcile these, as well as several other smaller issues, that bothered Dr. Ramadan about ISNA. Using it’s extensive global resources, the Okra staff has obtained private correspondence between both sides. Dr. Ramadan has agreed to attend this year’s convention pending certain conditions. Below is an excerpt:

Change Themes.  Let’s start with your convention theme. Do you guys really think anyone pays attention to this stuff?  I’ll give $100 right now to anyone who can name the last five years themes without searching. Look, the conference is identical every year. Why make up an illusion like people are changing the world every time they register for the ISNA Convention? Keep it real. Here’s a suggestion. If you want to make it dramatic, just use Roman Numerals like the Super Bowl. ISNA XIV. Classy.

Better Entertainment. Hey, I’m all for good, clean fun, but it doesn’t have to be lame.  Some of the comedians keep saying the same jokes every year, and they weren’t funny to begin with. Does “how many ways to say Assalamu Alaikum” sound funny to you?  As for the music, does everyone have to sing corny songs about Islam? Can’t we just enjoy quality music by Muslim performers that’s relatively wholesome?  I like the way my man, Cat, I mean Yousef Islam does it. “Peace Train” was sweet.

Better Questions. I have always valued sharing knowledge with those who pursue it. Yet, when I go to ISNA—actually Muslim event in America—I get strange vibes…like Muslims think I’m a rock star.  Groupies want photo ops to post on Facebook to say they know me. And then there are “The Poets” who gather after speeches amongst a small crowd of people to greet me. They pose as if to ask a question, but all they’re doing is trying to impress me and the crowd with some deep, fancy-worded, overly philosophical, abstract remark, which says nothing…except how deep they are. All they’re really showing is that they’re vain and must have recently studied for the SAT’s, based on their choice of obscure words. Lastly, there are the Seekers who want me to provide them with answers to all of life’s questions. Look, I’m happy to discuss geo-political issues and address some aspects of spirituality. But I’m not the Messiah and there’s no reason to hang onto every word.  Sometimes, I feel like making up stuff with random words—like Steve Martin in “Leap of Faith”—just to see how far it goes. I’d like personal assistants who can screen out all of the above. And Muslim Americans need to cut the hero worship. Creepy!

Follow Up Calls: You know, a lot of claims are made in these conferences. At seminars, workshops. and main events. By speakers, as well as some in the audience who gather after the program ends. So how many do anything after they get home? Is going to ISNA itself their idea of Islamic work or do they learn and apply things. I’d like follow up calls. Anyone who boasts about all the things they’re going to do should be on this list.

My Original Concerns. All the things I wrote about ISNA’s stances and being silent on critical issues are serious concerns. I appreciate the efforts you’ve made since my remarks. There’s still a lot more to do and we can discuss these…but I’ll work with you.

Media Outlets Furious Ethiopian Hijacker Was Not Muslim

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Feb 212014
 

Media Outlets Furious Ethiopian Hijacker Was Not Muslim

By Riaz Hamzavi

Twitter@TheOkraNews

SWITZERLAND-ETHIOPIA-HIJACKINGWashington (DC)—Despite the relief many Muslims felt when it was confirmed the man who attempted to hijack an Ethiopian airlines flight this past Monday, was not a Muslim, many media outlets were upset by the outcome.

“I cannot tell you how much time we spent, how many cue cards we wrote up, so we could be ready to take down yet another terrorist. Then we find out he’s not Muslim!” said Max Hellstrom, co-executive producer for Fox News Washington. “Here’s a toast to the good old days when we could count on one of these nuts to take over a plane and give us plenty of stories to get ratings.”

Hellstrom was not alone in his disappointment. The Associated Press cited more than 60 complaints from global media sources angry the thirty-something Ethiopian assailant, who also was the co-pilot on the flight, had no ties to Islam.

“When this broke, we were so excited, said Byron Hathaway, Senior Vice-President of Digital Content for NewsMax.com, the conservative online media organization based in Tampa. “Muslim articles were kind of in a lull ever since the Boston Marathon died down. I was hoping this was going to be the return of Islamaphobia so we could all listen to the hits one more time. It would have been fun and trippy—like seeing a Black Sabbath reunion.”

However, the right-wing press was not the only side upset on the non-Muslim hijacking. CNN was a “little stunned” with the discovery of the man’s religious profile.  “There were so many re-writes to do that our editing team was pissed,” said Brendan Anderson, a senior writer for Wolf Blitzer’s show, The Situation Room. He made mention of a new three hour segment the network had produced in 72 hours about Islamic attacks on airplanes called “Please Don’t Fasten Your Seatbelts: We’re Never Landing.”

“I’m not going to say we’re stereotyping Muslims when it comes to hijackings. But I do think we like to hedge our bets a little and go for the obvious choice,” said Brian Strazzante. “It’s kind of like picking the Yankees to go to the World Series every year. It’s not guaranteed. But come on—it’s the Yankees. You wouldn’t expect anything less from them.”

Racial profiling and discrimination towards Muslims at airport has been on a decline for the past 5 years. While some media personalities such as Emmy Award winner Juan Williams and all-around bigoted bitch Anne Coulter had been vocal with their opinions on flying the un-friendly skies with Muslims on board, the loosening of TSA profiling coupled with advanced security screening has eased many passenger concerns with safety.

Still, Margaret George, a research analyst for the popular London news source, The Guardian says, there’s always sense in beating a dead horse. “It’s so much easier when it’s the same ethnic or religious group that conducts a crime. It makes our lives as journalists easier because then we don’t have to fact-check. The name of the game is speed, not accuracy.” George also stipulated that because the hijacker was not a Muslim and only wanted asylum in Switzerland (even though he threatened to crash the plane), news of the incident was short-lived because it didn’t have that brand to make it sensational. “When you say Chanel, I think of perfume. When you say hijack, I think of Islam. It’s a marketed commodity. Cheers.”

Apparently the only news station which had no problems with the story of the non-Muslim Ethiopian hijacker was New York’s Atlantis Cable News (ACN), However, ACN is a fictitious television network created by Aaron Sorkin which was on HBO for two seasons before it was cancelled. Reports have surfaced the show was terminated because it was purely objective and told the truth in all circumstances of a story, which to many within the business was a complete fabrication of reality.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

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Dec 192013
 

BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

santa and muslim kidsTroy, MI — In what surly turned heads and opened mouths in astonishment, a 49 year-old Muslim man attended Friday prayers donning a classic Santa outfit.

Kamran Bashir, a Senior Electrical Engineer for Motorola, walked into the Islamic Association of Greater Detroit in Rochester Hills out of breath and wearing the red sash clothes made famous by the fictional Kris Kringle, better known to people all over the world, as Santa Claus.

“I didn’t know what to make of it,” said Imam Faidi Tamim. “Here we are getting into the deep discussion on the importance of giving during the Holliday season when Santa Claus pops in. Strange.”

“Who does he think he is?!” said Mustak Patel, a regular on Fridays. “If he thinks he’s getting milk and cookies, he’s got another thing coming.”

Bashir had spent his morning buying Holliday gifts for colleagues at the Sunset Plaza Center in Troy when he noticed a handful of people complaining santamuslimkids2at the Winter Festival kiosk that the Santa Claus which the mall hires out each year for children to visit and provide their list of toys, was absent. Mall authorities were later informed the hired Santa help, Sean Richter, 47, of Royal Oak, had been on a 12 hour bender of binge drinking and was extremely hungover to attend the event.

With upset children and a growing number of frustrated parents, Bashir sprung into action and asked if he could act as the temporary Santa. Superviser of store operations Kirk Nelson said they didn’t have much of a choice despite the awkwardness. “In hindsight I don’t think he would have been our first pick, considering he doesn’t look like any of the Santas we’ve had in years past,” said Nelson who politely inferred that Bashir was brown as opposed to the traditional caucasian Santa, which ironically, became a heated media controversy last week when Fox News anchor Megyn Kelley humorously stated on her segment that Santa was indeed, a white person. But Nelson applauded Bashir’s help. “He really did come through. I mean there were other men here who could have done it, but no one stepped up to the plate. To me, he’s a hero for all the kids.”

Bashir, who became so absorbed in the role of playing Santa, realized he was running late to Friday prayers (commonly referred to as Jummah) and got into his car and drove to the mosque not aware he was still wearing the outfit. “I totally forgot what I was wearing, until I ran into the prayer room and everyone looked at me in horror,” said a bewildered Bashir. “I tried to play it cool and ignore the stares but I was getting flushed. Plus its so hot wearing that beard. Very unpleasant.”

Indian Santa ClauseAfter the sermon and prayers concluded, Bashir, now the first Muslin on record to have prayed in a Santa Claus outfit, attempted to get out of the room as quickly as possible but was mobbed by children, all requesting gifts. The scene turned into a frenzy as some men and women scolded him, insisting that he leave with his “reindeers before they throw him down a chimney.”

However, as most of the adults eventually departed, some mothers kept their kids around to meet and speak with Bashir. “Honestly, at the end of the day, Santa Claus is more for the kids than any religious reference,” Halima Wajeed, a resident of Bloomfield Hills. “People just need to relax a little bit. Besides, as a Muslim, Kamran was doing he is duty. There is no clause, no pun intended, that says he can’t pray as Santa. ”

Bashir says he has no plans anytime soon of becoming a regular Santa at Sunset Plaza, but that if they need him he’s ready on standby, just so long as its not on Friday.

Nov 282013
 

Tween Takes a Gamble on Obscure Hadith-Winds up in Hospital Emergency Room

By Nazia Ali

fly hadith minnesota emergency room joke satire article newsMinneapolis, MN—In an attempt to impress friends, a 13 year-old boy dunked a fly into his drink then drank it to demonstrate the validity of a reputable but rather uncanny Hadith, only to be rushed to an emergency room 30 minutes later in what was a respiratory allergic reaction to traces of insect microorganisms.

Saad Bashiri, a 7th grade student from the Minneapolis suburb of Bloomington, was taken to Fairview Southdale Hospital after trying to prove he would be perfectly fine by adding a fly topping to his vanilla milkshake. Not surprisingly, the crowd of more than a dozen onlookers cheered him on as he proceeded to drown the insect into the cup, taking it out, then quickly finishing off the tasty beverage.

“What I can recollect from his muttering when the paramedics brought him in was he couldn’t believe how gangster a little fly was,” explained Chief Medical Doctor, Gabe Kotter. “They are in fact, lethal bitches.”

“He just took the shake down man!” laughed Bashiri’s friend, Sameer Haniyeh. “He even told us that if you see a fly in your house, don’t kill it, but take it for a dip in your favorite Capri Sun!” Haniyeh stated that about 10 minutes after the stunt, while Bashiri was getting high-fives, his face went white. Bashiri then grabbed his stomach, fell to the floor and went into a convulsion. That’s when Haniyeh knew something wasn’t right. “I dialed 911 as fast as possible. Common sense is going to tell you that he’s probably going to get sick.”

The Hadith (Hadiths are defined as traditions containing proverbs of the Prophet Muhammad) in inquiry stems from supposed collective sources which state if a housefly falls into the drink of an individual, the person should immerse it in the liquid then remove it, as one of the wings “has the disease and the other has the cure.” While a handful of contemporary scholars have validated the authenticity of the saying, none have ever made the attempt to pull it off.

“Oh, ya—don’t think I would ever want drink anything after a fly has been in it ya know,” said Dr. Hans Andersen, a Muslim convert, who spent 20 years studying Islamic theology at Al-Azhar in Cairo, later pursuing a Doctorate in Religion at Duke University. Andersen scoffed at the idea of taking the hadith literally, knowing well that flies carry the viruses of numerous diseases. He added only children with a certain level of stupidity should experiment in such health risks. “You betcha that this kid wanted to basically eat a fly and then tell his pals that it’s no big deal. Epic failure.”

“He’s always doing crazy stuff,” said Bashiri’s older sister Maaria. “I mean one week he’s trying to learn how to Dougie. The next week he’s trying to get on the roof with a trampoline. This week he decided to drink a fly. He’s thirteen. What do you want from him?”

Bashiri said he was inspired after catching the tail-end of a Friday sermon, in which the speaker said to live up to the actions of Hadiths. “He kind of, in his own way egged me on,” said Bashiri, despite no reports the speaker in question, Sheikh Waleed Abbas, ever coerced him.

Abbas, who was told about the incident, closed his eyes and put his hands over his face when he heard of the incident, exclaiming he perhaps needs to tone down the pep rally each time he brings up something which could perhaps sound a little dangerous.

“It’s like I need to put a disclaimer out there, the way they do in action commercials, which says in bold Do Not Attempt Stunt,” the Sheikh said. “It’s bizarre what people are willing to do.”

 

Nov 222013
 

Sunday School Teacher Tries to Show Foolishness Playing the Lottery, Wins Big Time—Not Giving Up the Money

By Nazia Ali

Florida 2 lotteryJupiter, FL— A Muslim Sunday School teacher, who attempted to demonstrate the stupidity of playing the Florida State Lottery, won $15 million last Saturday night, when all numbers on his ticket hit.

Sameer Bashiri, a resident of Jupiter and an electrical engineer for Siemens, went wild according to his wife, after the last number, which happened to be 18, popped out of the ping pong ball air machine. “He could not stop screaming,” Mona Bashiri said.”It was as if someone lit his boxers on fire.” Mrs. Bashiri said her husband completely became hysterical and started talking to the ticket after he settled down, caressing and calling it his baby.

Bashiri, 56, who volunteered as a history teacher for 10th grade students at the Islamic Center of Palm Beach (ICPB) had been a fervent opponent of gambling especially with the lottery which Bashiri called the “Devil’s Slot Machine.” In July of this year, as an act of defiance, Bashiri refused to teach Hussein Rehab, a student who was given a lottery ticket from his older brother, even though no one, not even Rehab believed he had a chance to win. According to the New York Times, the odds of winning a 6 draw power ball lottery are 1 in 175 million. While Rehab did not win, he was suspended from the class, as Bashiri was adamant of having no association with a degenerate.

Last Sunday afternoon, Bashiri walked with his students to a local 7-Eleven, purchased a lottery ticket for $1 then went on to admonish the dangers of gambling and its prohibition in Islam. He then rambled on to point out how a small piece of paper made people act crazy and tense because they believed they would become rich. When one student asked what he would do if he were to win, Bashiri laughed and said according to multiple sources, “there’s no way I’m going to win—but if I did, I will donate all the money to some non-Muslim charity.”

However, at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Bashiri’s lawyer, Vince Riablo, said his client has no intention of giving up the money. When told of the ICPB’s board threat to remove Bashiri from his position as a teacher if he does not surrender his winnings, Riablo confirmed Bashiri wasn’t concerned at all. “Yeah, I don’t think he gives a shit.”

21 year-old Sumaiya, Bashiri’s oldest daughter, said her father’s new multi-millionaire status has put him on a  bender, which has included purchasing a Yacht, a Llama, owning all the publishing music rights to Florida hard-rock band Creed and partying with Lebron James. “If anyone wants to see my dad, they just have to turn on the television and watch the Miami Heat games. He sits on the bench with all the players. I would say its an understatement to say he’s having the time of his life.”

So far whereabouts of Bashiri have been unsubstantiated but reports had relocated to Ibiza where he plans to start a new career as a DJ.

Nov 082013
 

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”

5809_Abu_Dhabi_Taxi_Driver

Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”

New-Beautiful-Islamic-Hijab-Veil-Trends-Muslim-Women-2013-5

The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”

Oct 242013
 

WORLD’S MOST INTERESTING MAN SHOCKS WORLD WITH REVELATION THAT HE IS MUSLIM

by Sameer Khalil

most interesting man in the world is muslimManhattan, NY – In a shocking announcement that left viewers stunned, surprised, thrilled, and in disbelief, the world’s most interesting man announced that he is, in fact, a Muslim.

Thousands of curious fans had waited for hours in anticipation of “The Announcement,” a nationally televised event announcing the religious background of the internationally renowned figure. Fans from across the globe packed New York’s Times Square with giddy enthusiasm awaiting his message on the jumbo screen.

Tony Antalucci, 23, visited from nearby Brooklyn to be part of the excitement, “Hey, yo, I dig his style” said an amped up Antalucci. “The man is a legend, so whatever he’s got goin’ on, I wanna piece of it.”

Some travelled from across the country, merely to be in his presence. “I heard HE was in town.”  said Ms. Lisa Ferrari, 37, a socialite from Scottsdale, AZ. I have often thought of him. I stopped by Zainab Bazaar to dress in modest Islamic clothing as well as the traditional head scarf to greet him properly. Um, do you think I am very beautiful? Perhaps among the four most beautiful women in the world?”

While there had been speculation towards his spiritual inclination, there was no certainty. Las Vegas bookies had to continually re-write the odds as experts, pundits, and commentators constantly changed their predictions. Finally, at 8:00pm, the crowd became awestruck as the image of their intriguing hero appeared, rather appropriately, larger than life.

The answer was not revealed right away. Instead, “World,” as he is known, was thoughtful and reflective in explaining his spiritual logic. “We live in a diverse world, and America is a microcosm of the diverse cultures and religions” he said. “I put some thought and did some research before selecting my religion” he added, as the tune from his famous TV commercial continually played in the background.

“My initial thoughts were of Christianity and then Judaism. But those are way too mainstream. I needed to keep a step ahead. While traveling the world, I was exposed to many different faiths–Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, to name a few. Some were interesting but too obscure. Others were just exotic enough for my image. After considering many factors, I felt Buddhism might be a perfect fit. Then I returned and found it was too late. Buddhism has been quite trendy for a while.

World’s spiritual journey continued to struggle. “I had difficulty finding that perfect harmony that would keep my image full of intrigue. I could not find a clear answer but felt comfortable with agnosticism. It was just elusive enough to keep people guessing. But then, those agnostics got annoying with all of their uncertainty about everything. One fool even had the audacity to question if I was, in fact, the most interesting man in the world!

Just as I had given up hope, I found Islam. This time, I approached it with wisdom and perspective. It had all the ingredients I was seeking. The image was edgy, controversial, and exotic. Over a billion followers, yet full of intrigue. Nobody would stop talking about Islam–in a good OR bad way. Whatever happens, people will always wonder ‘where does world stand ‘on this or that issue.’ Now that’s great staying power! “

The crowd cheered wildly. The excitement was not so much about his religious choice. Rather, they were thrilled to see more than 30 seconds of the World’s Most Interesting Man without having to record endless TV shows, then fast forwarding their DVR’s to the each Dos Equis commercial.

However, not everyone shared in the enthusiasm. Billy Joe Coyle, 43, travelled from Huntsville, AL after hearing speculation about World’s religious beliefs. “Now look, I’m an open minded guy!” said a visibly frustrated Coyle. “I didn’t say nothin when them Moslems moved into my town. Not even when they built a mosque. But now, they went too doggone far. ‘World’ is a great American! They can’t take him from us.”

As the event concluded, a spokesperson for “World” confirmed he has parted ways with Dos Equis as a sponsor and noted that brands across the globe have since pursued an affiliation with his image. Apparently, “World” is considering a pitch from an international airlines, “ I don’t always fly, but when I do, I prefer Emirates.” No date has been given for a sponsorship decision.

Amway Launches Islamic Home Mortgage Options

 BUSINESS, POLITICS  Comments Off on Amway Launches Islamic Home Mortgage Options
Oct 112013
 

Amway Launches Islamic Banking As A New Product Line — Claims It’s The Next Big Thing

By Farookh Balsarah

home mortgage rates for islamic banking optionsAda, Michigan—In what many called, “only a matter of time”, Amway announced yesterday it will be acquiring all divisions of home mortgage lending from Islamic Banks in the United States and Canada as of December 1.

The decision for the multi-national direct-selling giant came on the basis that after 43 years of successfully running a company through a cult-following which engages in price-fixing, exaggerated income from sales, and borderline illegal pyramid schemes, the 25th largest private company in America wanted to expand their catalog by adding yet another product that followed its model of ambiguity.

Islamic home mortgages hits the triple crown,” said Amway Senior Vice-President of West Coast Sales, Jeff Tannenbaum. “1. it’s confusingly vague; 2. It allegedly has religious implications; and 3. It already has a devoted demographic. Slam dunk.”

While Islamic banking deals with various financial services for Muslim customers, its most recognized service is with home mortgage lending in North America. Tannenbaum sees exponential reach with an untapped Muslim market who feels paranoid and guilty taking a loan from mainstream financial institutions. “You couldn’t have scripted this if you wanted,” he said cheerfully. To us, that is the kind of consumer we want—loyal to a product in order to avoid Hell.” Tannenbaum said Amway executives took all but 5 minutes to hear the pitch provided to them by their research and development team on sharia loans. Buy-out agreements were immediately sent to 35 Islamic banks in metropolitan cities. In less than 48 hours all agreed to sell their home mortgage capital and holdings, with a 7-week transition plan to be taken over.

“I think we’re very comfortable with the outcome,” said Ibrahim Shakur, Chief Financial Officer of Investment Funds for Malik Medina Equities, a mortgage lender in Trenton, NJ, who was one of the first banks to be acquired by Amway. “I figure after a few more years, the gig would be up and people would come around to their senses and realize we were just talking gibberish.” Shakur stated his colleagues were thrilled they wouldn’t have to speak on how to Islamically buy a home anymore, considering they didn’t understand what they were conveying. Last year, his company came under fire by a local Southampton client who claimed the bank was nothing more than a bookie, after he had to pay an additional $150,000 more than the listing price to purchase a home despite not paying ‘interest.’

“I didn’t realize this bank was running a vig on their customers”, said the angry 37-year old software developer and father of three who wished to remain anonymous. “If I knew that I would have gone to the Gambino family for the loan—they probably would have given it to me cheaper.”

In Los Angeles, Jibril Capital, Inc. was also happy with the outcome as partners of the firm which specialized in real estate leasing and foreclosures received a reported $1.8 million each for their release of ownership despite their stance of continued support on Islamic banking. “It’s a beautiful concept and it’s the right thing to do when it comes to purchasing a home regardless if it makes sense,” said Aziz Hadawi, co-founder of the Southern California based operation which opened in 2004. “I just think Amway will take it to the masses and give it the proper treatment by recruiting people who have ADD and want to get rich quick by selling it to their friends.”

Amway spokesperson Marianne Fletcher said in a press statement held Thursday afternoon in Detroit that while there would be changes to how Islamic home mortgage are presented to new customers, the cover-up would remain the same. “There will be no modifications to the loans. All circular reasoning and illogical conclusions will remain the same to respect the very essence of the services themselves.” Fletcher went on to add a new 2 week online training program for prospective individuals who desire to become scholars of Islamic home mortgages in order to bless the products as halal will be offered for those 18 and over with a high school diploma.

 

Sep 202013
 

by Sameer Khalil

After months of intense surveillance involving dozens of undercover police officers at local mosques, classified reports recently disclosed numerous serious threats which included misplaced shoes, extreme tardiness, and the shortchanging of samosas during lunch break.

For 6 months, the New York Police Department used undercover cops to pose as worshippers, Imams, Muslim teachers and students in an effort to infiltrate hardcore mosques to expose dangerous issues.

NYPD Surveillance Report Shows Disturbing Activities at Local MosquesOfficer Mike Jones, 43, attended Dar-ul-Medina in the Bronx for daily prayers over several months only to have repeated shocking discoveries. “On numerous occasions, I was leaving the prayer hall to the shoe rack area to grab my shoes” said Jones. “When searching for them, there were several occasions they went missing. I was shocked because I remembered exactly where I placed them, and then they were suddenly gone.” A stressed out Jones recalls the events were most notable during Friday prayers, an atmosphere he describes only as “chaotic.” “I eventually found the shoes two or three slots over after they were moved. Thank god I have a background in advanced security intelligence.”

Aside from daily prayer activities, NYPD officers infiltrated the Averroes full time Islamic School in Queens. During a lunch break, field Officer Joe Peroni, 31, was in line for a prepared meal which was to contain two samosas, biryani, and a brownie, but was shocked at what he found. “Everyone knows what’s in a lunch meal” he said furiously. “Yet somehow, mine had only one samosa!” Peroni said he felt the urge to arrest the cafeteria lady, but added, “The key is patience” as he documented every detail. “They’re all going down eventually.”

Perhaps the most notorious threat was one that was avoided. Captain Mike Dorchester, attended the Islamic Cultural Association annual dinner and fundraising event in the Brooklyn. While the event was scheduled for 7pm, Dorchester keenly noticed barely a few people were in attendance. After waiting 30 minutes, only a few guests entered the 500-capacity hall. “I then realized they were on to me,” Dorchester said. “They must have had the gathering at a mystery location once my cover was blown.” Dorchester was relieved to escape before imminent danger but managed to gather some key intelligence. “Before leaving, I asked a small group if they knew why nobody was in attendance. There were no answers,” Dorchester added. “As I began to walk away, I heard someone say the words ‘desi time.’ I’m pretty sure that’s some type of code word for an Al Qaida splinter cell.”

Imam Hamid Khan was horrified to hear of the allegations. “We are law abiding, American citizens,” he pleaded. “I personally was unaware of such misconduct in our mosques.”

Jones disagrees. After his traumatic experience and other observations over a 6 month period, he and other NYPD officers are ready to present substantial evidence in special court hearings that may eventually shut down Dar-ul-Madina.

Meanwhile, the NYPD’s surveillance program announced an expansion which will cover more mosques, 5000 undercover police and a $300 annual million dollar budget. “It’s resource well spent” says Mayor Michael Bloomberg “I mean it’s not like New York has any other needs this crucial.”