BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

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Dec 102015
 

BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

By Shahid Mansouri

@Theokranews

donald-trump-hairNew York (NY)—A fox used regularly as a toupee for Republican nominee Donald Trump left his presidential campaign and is now learning Islam according to multiple sources.  Dirk, a red-haired fox who for the past 8 months had been sitting on Mr. Trump’s head quietly to cover his receding hairline apparently had been very disgusted with the billionaire’s latest comments on banning Muslim immigrants to the United States. The animal decided to part ways with his former employer.”

“I was appalled and offended by Donald’s fierce rhetoric on Muslims,” said Dirk. “Last week while I was sitting quietly on his head pretending to be his hair-piece, his derogatory rhetoric really got to me. I knew right then I had to leave.” While the resignation was somewhat amicable between Dirk and the Trump campaign, most constituents were somewhat surprised the canine decided to study Islam. He is currently at the Islamic Society of Bay Ridge in Brooklyn studying the basics under Imam Abdel Tariq. “I’m not rebelling or sticking it to him [Trump]. I am doing what any fox would do; I am researching the subject before I express an opinion.”

Criticism against Trump has been swift and harsh. GOP candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush as well as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and former Vice-President Dick Cheney were quick to denounce his apparent discrimination. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest later challenged the Republican candidates and said Trump’s proposal “disqualifies him from serving as President,” calling him a carnival baker with fake hair. While Dirk admitted Trump was certainly not a bad guy off camera, he has been rather loud and obnoxious with his radical views for quite some time. He also doesn’t have real hair.

"I couldn't take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore" said Dirk.

“I couldn’t take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore” said Dirk.

This is not the first time an animal was paid to sit on Donald Trump’s head terminated their employment with him. In 2011, a minx refused to do his job when Trump defended police brutality. In 2013, a spray painted raccoon complained how Trump referred to him as the “coon.”  And earlier this year a Mexican chinchilla almost came to physical blows with Trump after the wealthy New York businessman “playfully” asked him if he could mow his lawn. Despite such reported allegations, the Trump Camp has denied the incidents.

“All animals who have nested on the head of Donald Trump and acted as a toupee were always given the proper respect and paid well for their services,” said Natalie Regent, Deputy of Communications for Trump’s presidential campaign. “These are false allegations once again which have been made against Mr. Trump for selfish reasons. He loves animals.” Regent did not comment on Dirk’s replacement, but insisted there were plenty who were seeking the job including a possum and Siamese cat, though there was a concern to the length of their hair.

Dirk has been working on a book called “Hanging with White ISIS”, which accounts his experience with Donald Trump and his supporters. He also plans to spend time touring the country and visiting Islamic Centers. So far he’s been impressed by Muslims Americans. As for a return to a career in acting as a red toupee, Dirk says he has no plans at the moment. But if the opportunity comes up, he will be more careful. “I will be selective and pick individuals who are open-minded and accepting.” There are a lot of crazy people out there. I don’t need to support them.”

 

English Band Quraan Quraan Spreads Music to Bring Peace to Europe-Denounce ‘No Go Zones’

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Jan 222015
 

English Band Quraan Quraan Spreads Music to Bring Peace to Europe-Denounce ‘No Go Zones’

By Zahra Ahmed

@theokranews

Quraan QuraanLondon—In the wake of the most recent violence in France, which has led some to falsely accuse the religion of Islam as the catalyst to international terrorism, a group of young Muslims has decided to fight back through the use of music and harmony. England’s new sensation, Quraan Quraan is sending a message through their melodic new indie wave sound that Islam is not the problem, but isolated lunatics are the main drivers of destruction.

Quraan Quraan (pronounced Qur-aan Qur-aan)who hails from Birmingham, decided to form the group almost a year ago, after witnessing social unrest particularly within London’s Muslim communities due to accusations from right-wing activists such as Tim Ablitt of the English Defense League and atheist Richard Dawkins of spreading sharia law and bloodshed. The rock trio stated that while they avoid intense confrontations against those who oppose the viability of Islam, propaganda machines which create any form of racism and discrimination have to be stopped. Quraan Quraan referred to recent remarks from Louisiana Governor and fellow coconut Bobby Jindal on alleged ‘No Go Zones’ in which Muslim neighborhoods were autonomously governing themselves, as a massive lie and smear campaign towards Islam in the West.

“We’re using music to spread the word to the masses that we’re cool people and we don’t support any type of attacks on anyone from anyone,” said drummer and song-writer Haithum Al-Mansouri. “We want everyone to get along and we’re dedicating our songs for peace.” Quraan Quraan came up with the name from the love they had for legendary band Duran Duran (who ironically are also from Birmingham), and allegedly not from the Imam at their local mosque who had a speech impediment by repeating certain words twice.

While music has been considered forbidden in Islam by many scholars, most Muslims with brains and common sense have supported it for many years. The evolution of upcoming Muslim bands in the genres of jazz, hip-hop and rock music became inevitable with the rise of Hall of Fame musical artists, Cat Stevens, now Yusuf Islam. Quraan Quraan feels they are continuing on the tradition of artists such as Peter Gabriel, U2 and Paul Simon by conveying social issues and advocating peace through their music.

“We’re certainly not the first band to cry out for justice,” said Waleed Amjad, 27, bassist for the band who begins their European tour next week in Berlin. “But we’re going to make sure that Muslims get their voices heard through our songs.” Their debut song “Hungry for Al-Mulk” is set to release on January 30th.

 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

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Nov 062014
 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

By Ray Hamza

@TheOkraNews

#MuslimsLoveRepublicans

Muslims to CanadaDC—Just hours after Tuesday night’s announcement that Republicans would have majority control over the House of Representatives and Senate, American Muslims began to pack their bags, rent out their homes and drive to the only country which they consider safe—Canada.

“I’m not going to deal with this shit again,” said Selmaan Ansari, Press Secretary of the Islamic Action Committee for Political Rights (IACPR) at its Georgetown headquarters, referring to the 2002 GOP controlled Congress which spiked an increase of Muslim discrimination, profiling and Senator John McCain publicly singing “Bomb Iran” a parody to the Beach Boys 1965 cover classic “Barbara Ann.” Ansari echoed sentiments by many Islamic organizations who have been subtly requesting a short hiatus for all Muslims to leave the United States and head to the Great White North.  “Look, I know it’s not convenient for many of us who are working and raising families in this country. But do we really want to hear the incessant banter about the invasion of Sharia law and supposed new Al-Qaeda high school recruits from this obnoxious bunch for the next two years? Not me. I hear Winnipeg is lovely in Spring.”

While the GOP is not the only political party that has frowned upon the rise of Islam in the United States, it’s safe to say that all the others are GOP affiliates. From Oklahoma Rep. John Bennett cautioning people to be “wary” of Muslims, to Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina equating all Muslim-Americans with the terrorists who committed the September 11th attacks, the Right has not been a friend to many. Mid-term key victories by Republicans this past week have created stress and paranoia for many Muslims who don’t want to be a part of another Spanish Inquisition.

“Right now I’m not thinking about the economy or the loss on financial aid for education. I’m thinking on how fast I can get to the Canadian border,” said Arif Hania, a mechanical engineer for Kimberley Clark and a resident of Savannah, Georgia. “Because tomorrow, Congress will pass a law that being a Muslim is anti-American and all the red-necks this part of the country are going to get medieval on me real quick.”

“While we advocate democracy and comply by the laws of this fine country with regards to the liberty of voting and free elections, we also recognize the need to get the hell out of here,” said Ibrahim Khan, President of the United Alliance of Muslim Americans (UAMA) in Phoenix. UAMA held a press release Thursday morning concerned with the impact a Republican led Congress (the largest number of seats since WWII) would do to Islam in America. Khan stressed the anxiety Muslims have had with the GOP citing a 2013 article in the Washington Times which reported the lack of trust between the two. “Honestly, I’m sure many Republican politicians have no issues with Muslims. But they usually make a cattle-call to all the nuts in this country firing them up with crazy rhetoric on American values and the need to maintain the evangelical way. That’s how they get votes.”

In Ottawa, the Canadian Parliament was overwhelmed and dumbfounded by the sudden influx of Muslims. Many were surprised by the large numbers crossing the border, with some immediately looking for jobs. “I guess we’re flattered, eh?” said Brian LeClaire, a member of the New Democratic Party Caucus in Manitoba who was unaware of the now labelled, American-Muslim Diaspora. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from border patrol complaining of cars backed up for 10 miles fighting to get in. “Finally Canada is getting respect.”

Not all Muslims decided to take an absence of leave in another country. The Mumin mosque of Pittsburgh is encouraging people to stay and work with the fresh batch of incoming Republican Congressmen in order to eradicate usual stereotypes and misconceptions of Islam. After prayer services on Wednesday night, Imam Muhammad Al-Sheikh spoke on the necessity for all Muslims to stay in the United States and to continue the endeavor of working with everyone regardless of denomination or political party. Only two people were in attendance.

 

Oct 022014
 
abdullah

Zebras on Parade: How a Monday Night Officiating Crew Brought Islam Forever into America’s Greatest Game

By Yunus Ansari

@TheOkraNews

#HusainAbdullahNFL

abdullahYou have to practically be Gandhi-like in order to love an officiating crew. The sport is irrelevant. It could be Ping-Pong. If there is an umpire, official, a judge, odds are someone, if not many, are going to have an underlying animosity towards them. They’re blind as bats we’d like to say. Back in the day when people actually got together for games at homes or bars, there was always bonding over how much a referee blew a call. There was the time when 12-year-old Yankee fan Jeffrey Maier assisted in Derick Jeter’s catchable hit by interfering in Orioles Tony Tarasco’s catch. The kid basically went down low to grab the ball and in front of the right fielder’s glove. Umpires called it a homerun. Maradonna’s Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup quarterfinal; he obviously touched the ball. But the ref never called it. England will never forget. And of course there is the 2000 Music City Miracle, when during the playoffs, the Tennessee Titans allegedly threw an illegal forward pass, but was ruled a lateral by the line judge which resulted in (yet another) disaster for the Buffalo Bills. These were huge, once in a lifetime moments. Not all plays have such an impact—but the feeling of an alleged blown call at any level is comparable. The not-so irony is most of the time, the refs are correct. They have to be otherwise they couldn’t do their jobs.

In recent years, Twitter and Instagram have allowed for the vortex of tweets and posts to demonize them. One demographic who surly has no issues demonstrating their passion for sports not to mention scapegoating the officiating crew is the beloved Muslim community. Now comfortably established as a second generation in this country, Muslims are as passionate as anyone when it comes to sports. They live and breathe it. They cheer when they win. They cry when they lose. They don’t like each other. You ever been to a Michigan-Ohio State game? It applies to Muslims too. Only in America—and it’s beautiful. And just like many Americans, they blame the refs rather prematurely and quite often. Scan your Muslim sports enthusiasts on your newsfeed and it’s guaranteed many will complain shamelessly about the officiating. Never mind his team is losing by 50 points in the 4th. You cannot avoid the backlash that is generated from the feeling of frustration. So when Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah intercepted a careless Tom Brady pass, ran it back to the house for a meaningless touchdown and performed a sajadah last Monday night only to be called for unsportsmanlike conduct, two things unfolded: 1. A social media riot; and 2. The new connection with Islam and the NFL.

Like riding a psychotic horse which reverses its course and runs back towards the burning barn, things got crazy. Scores of Muslims were upset by what they saw as a condescending Islamaphobic assault. They derided the call and pointed at former Florida Gator great but NFL bust Tim Tebow who often would kneel and show his gratitude towards the heavens after scoring. They avoided any transparency by declaring Abdullah’s actions as an indictment (though not an attack) on Islam.  Once again the zebras were on the hunt—and all because of a mistake.

Sean-Smith--21--Husain-Abdullah--39-jpgBut when one sits back and takes it all in can the moment be magical. Abdullah’s gesture was not just a celebration. It was a revelation. For perhaps the first time on one of the biggest stages, millions of Americans witnessed a Muslim’s humility by dropping to his knees and paying his respects to God. The act itself showed commonality among many who hold religion and sports sacred. It showed virtue and conviction of a higher power. It even silenced the conservatives, anti-Islamists, Bill Maher and Fox news for a minute. Abdullah prostrating in the end zone echoed a sentiment that an individual cannot be scorned or vindicated for being thankful, only adored. Andy Reid, head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs later obscurely said about Abdullah:

“When you go to Mecca, you should be able to slide wherever you want,” Reid said after the game. “We’ve got two priests in here. They’d probably vouch for me.” We’re not sure exactly what he meant. But a ballpark interpretation would be that Reid supported Abdullah’s right to bow his head to the Almighty after a great play. As far as the far-fetched assumptions, some Muslims were trying to rally around, let’s review them:

  • The call was made out of rejection. In reality the refs probably had no idea what a sajadah was up close and personal. They were baffled and deduced Abdullah’s move as breaking an NFL rule which reprimands any player who drops to his knees in an act of celebration.
  • The NFL prohibited Abdullah’s prayers. In reality, the NFL allows a spiritual nod or signal. It has for decades. Within hours of the game the NFL overruled the call on the field. No monetary or disciplinary fine was given.
  • The NFL demonstrated hypocrisy by allowing certain religious movement to be acceptable while punishing others. In reality, neither the NFL nor the officials were knowledgeable about prostrating to God in Islam. They plead ignorance not vindictiveness. There was no double standard. That can only happen if the league purposely punished Abdullah knowing well his celebration was religious. The Council on American Islamic Relations immediately notified the NFL last Tuesday and insisted the policy on prayer should be clarified. The NFL admitted the error and apologized.

Who knows if a Muslim ever gets the chance to celebrate religiously again and if the refs make another “mistake.” Maybe. Odds are it will be a long time before another one scores in football. NBA Muslim players, all two of them, don’t celebrate after points because there is no time to celebrate. And there are no self-acknowledging Muslims in professional baseball. But it doesn’t matter. History was made on Monday Night Football.  The NFL and other sports organizations now have an obligation to teach, as laughable as it may sound, religion in their officiating programs. It also means fans and advocacy groups can’t get riled up towards the officials. Give them time to figure it out. The best thing to do is to go back and blame the zebras for all the other botched calls they intentionally plan to make next Sunday—and thank them for bringing Islam to the game.

The Hajj Apology Letter —A Complete Cop Out from Actually Apologizing

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Sep 252014
 

The Hajj Apology Letter —A Complete Cop Out from Actually Apologizing

An Op-Ed Piece by Hammada El-Mahsen

@TheokraNews

#HajjForLife

Hajj emailI tried to avoid it because it made me cringe. But there it was again on my Facebook newsfeed, the same time as it was last year. There were half a dozen. All of them had the same cliché melodramatic voice of pity laced with a solemn request for forgiveness. I like to call them the ‘apology letters’; posts from scores of Muslims who seek to repent before they embark on the annual pilgrimage, the Hajj.

The letters come in many packages. Some provide compositions with polished English and grammar to demonstrate a more serious tone. Others simply write a few sentences expressing regret and bitterness towards others—these are the ones that are done usually prior to boarding the plane which will take them to Saudi Arabia and eventually, Mecca. But they all deliver a rather cold and impartial objective. A few years ago I asked a friend what made him send such a formal letter through a social media outlet just before he left for Hajj. He said it was convenient. There’s nothing to it. Simply draft a post, review it for grammar and shoot it out to f friends who are led to believe that the act of sending a memo so “heartfelt” would be satisfactory for those recipients that apparently felt hurt at some point in their lives by the sender. It’s a great little setup.

Repentance is a big deal in Islam. It’s practically required that you reconcile, resolve any ill-feeling towards a family member or friend especially before you partake in Hajj. Common sense would lead us to believe that a process of actually meeting the party(s) who you had an altercation with would be beneficial in reconciling any grievable differences. Perhaps a phone call would suffice if a face-to-face was out of the question due to say, wide geographical separation; even an email directly to the source would be a step up. But a default letter made out to the public asking for forgiveness? Are you serious?

It seems as if Facebook, Twitter and Google have carved out their own niche, by making a rather earnest act, which is without a doubt, very tough but courageous thing to do, into nothing more than avoiding the dirty work. Conversely, maybe people are perfectly fine receiving a notice from a ‘frenemy.’ They could treat it as admirable and go along their day knowing well that they were provided an apology shared with another 300 people, many of who never even had a problem with the author. It could also be that these recipients will be doing the very same thing when they decide to attend Hajj.

I suppose it’s a defense mechanism. Saying you’re sorry takes a lot of balls. Everyone assumes its easy, until they have to do it. The worse the situation, the harder it is to say I was wrong. But isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Who decided to go on auto-pilot by mass mailing an apology letter? And how is this in anyway being remorseful? War and Peace author Leo Tolstoy once said, “I sit on a man’s back, choking him, and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by any means possible, except getting off his back.” In other words, it’s easy to convey a feeling of remorse allow others to assume that we are channeling sorrow while we rejoice in their appreciation for conducting an act of dignity. But nothing has been done to truly alleviate the weight. If a friend had problems with you, why would they think that a letter directed at no one could serve as a solution?

We’re all so tuned in with the online world that nowadays, much like texting, it’s not about the message, so much that it’s about a message.  It has no substance, just a point. It’s accepted for intention rather than a possible means to an end. Society changes as we move forward. What we did last year seems antiquated. We don’t normally follow things long enough in the fast pace world to cherish the moment. We surrender to future. But that doesn’t mean we relinquish our principles and even moreso, our ethics. Don’t get me wrong. It would be lovely to go through life by mitigating our relationship conflicts from a distance. The artificial use of technology substitutes for emotional reality. We quell our innermost fear by providing it with a placebo that tells it to take it easy and that there is a way out of here. Most ominously, we’re interpreting what we are supposed to do and making it “convenient.”

Okra readers let us know your thought: Would you ask for forgiveness by sending out a mass Facebook post before you went on Hajj?  Or is it not cool?

Israel Lauded for Fair and Equality Policy towards Palestinians by Bombing Them All

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Jul 142014
 
criminals3

Israel Lauded for Fair and Equality Policy towards Palestinians by Bombing Them All

By Rania Shaheed

@TheOkraNews

criminals3Jerusalem (Israel)—Several right-wing American organizations and Middle East conservative pundits praised Israel’s use of airstrikes in the Palestinian territories after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu accused Hamas with the killings of three Israeli teenagers who were apparently hitchhiking in the West Bank despite having no proof.

While most of the world has stood in shock for the past two weeks on the violence that has been escalated by Israel’s aerial assault, many felt comfortable and at ease with the action knowing Israel did not single any one Palestinian or group for the death of the youths, instead taking it out on everyone.

“Let’s be honest. Israel is headed in the right direction because they have been fair to all Palestinians in resisting to blame anyone in particular,” said Malcom Cromwell, Group Executive Vice-President of Development for the Heritage Foundation. “They chose to target all Arabs in Gaza which demonstrates to me equality.”

Bibi reassures Rabbi all bombings of Gaza have been fair

Bibi reassures Rabbi all bombings of Gaza have been fair

“It’s a sense of humbleness knowing Israel shows compassion in these times by avoiding pointing the finger at anyone,” said Max Schneider, Director of Communications at Act! For America the same paranoid Islamaphobe citizen awareness organization led by Bridgette Gabriel, who has the distinct honor of being implicated as a bigot by the Southern Poverty Law Center and Anti-Defamation League. “Israel to me stands for fairness and keeping their cool when things get hairy. They don’t ask questions, nor evidence. They simply attack. That’s democracy at its best.” When he was asked about the fairness in the savage beating of American Muslim teenager Tariq Abu Khdeir by Israeli forces, Schneider responded by saying the “fairness” lies in the 15 year-old teenager still being alive.

Israel has come under immense criticism from global media outlets who have criticized the country dubbed the “Light Unto Nations” for substituting restraint and investigation for a blitzkrieg onslaught which has taken the lives of 159 Palestinians including women and children with 1000 wounded since it began its campaign on Monday July 7. A ground assault by the Israeli army appears to be imminent. But bloodshed was the last thing on the minds at the Fox network.

“It’s a little ridiculous Israel gets all this negativity from other countries,” said Donna Makkarat, Assistant Producer for the daily morning show, Fox & Friends. “I heard they were liked by only 20% of the world according to a 2013 BBC poll. Come on! How can the world feel that way when they’ve given almost 7 miles to 2,000,000 people in Gaza!” That’s showing equality—and it’s what they do best.”

Zionist college students say they are laughing with the Palestinian women-not at her.

Zionist college students say they are laughing with the Palestinian women-not at her.

Not surprisingly, most have thought differently of the situation, usually those with a brain and an ounce of logic. “I don’t understand why you would start bombing a densely populated area out of revenge when you’re not sure who the revenge is towards,” questioned Dr. Jacob Feinstein, a professor of Political Science at Syracuse University. Other organizations such as Amnesty International, Doctors Without Borders and Human Rights Watch have also viewed Israel with confusion and horror while Dr. Norman Finkelstein, a renowned expert on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has simply called Israel, a “lunatic state.” Still, the vocal minority has shrugged off the obvious and maintains the positivity in Israel’s latest conflict.

“Yes, Israel is expanding on settlements, collectively bombing the crap out of Gaza and Netanyahu is completed opposed to any two state solution—but Bibi did call the father of the Palestinian teenager that was killed to offer his condolence!,” said David Eisenberg, Associate Chairmen at the American Zionist Organization, referring to 16 year old slain Muhammad Abu Khudair who was killed last week by Jewish extremists. “Israel shows sympathy when it counts—but takes land when it counts. It’s called fairness.”

Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

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Feb 062014
 

Three Coca-Cola Executives Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after Making Muslims Smile

By Farookh Balsarah

Twitter@theokranews

coca cola nobel peace prize muslimsNew York City (NY)—Three advertising executives from the gargantuan global soda maker, Coca Cola, were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize after a Muslim woman wearing a hijab appeared in their 1 minute Super Bowl commercial.

The ad, entitled, “America the Beautiful” took liberty at showing a variety of religious and ethnic minorities in the country with the message that the favorite soft drink of choice is shared by a pluralistic and diverse society but who all live and share the same happiness in the United States.

“Omaha!” shouted Jeff Electrick Head Copy Editor of the commercial which has already received over 2.2 million hits on YouTube since its debut this past Sunday. “If I knew that all it took to get considered for a Peace Prize was to get some dame wearing a scarf on her head to smile at the camera for one second, I would have been Mother Teresa’s level 10 years ago!”

Along with Electrick, 41, senior creative director Clark Lyte, 42, and junior copywriter Dennis Orkestra, 31, were given recognition and nominations although all three are considered as one potential recipient for the award.

To make Muslims smile has been a concerted effort by multiple international organizations, including the United Nations who has found the task rather cumbersome considering the constant blame Muslims are subjected to on a daily basis. A recent Gallup poll showed close to 77% of Muslims are disgruntled by their image in the media specifically being blamed for terrorist threats, violently objecting to derogatory Islamic cartoons and ruining birthday parties.

“As our world becomes smaller with the advancement of technology, we face a severe epidemic of frowning Muslims. They remind me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh,” said former United Nations Secretary-General Koffi Annan. “I believe Coca-Cola has taken the right steps to get us there.”

The ad executives said they had no idea the impact a one second cameo by a Muslim woman would have and began to get tweets of appreciation from thousands of Muslims during halftime of the Superbowl. Notable tweets were received from the Prime Ministers of Jordan and Indonesia, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the head of Hezbollah. Al-Qaeda simply wrote- “Thanks for the props Coke. Got the warm fuzzies.”

“We were eating at Taco Bell after the game, when I received a text from our boss that read ‘what the f**k did U do!’ He had a lot of exclamation points,” said Orkestra who was certain the commercial was a bomb and that he would most likely get fired. “I told Clark we should get our things from the office now because I didn’t think we would be allowed back to work. But man, was I wrong.”

On Tuesday, former President of the United States, Jimmy Carter submitted a nomination at the deadline on behalf of the ad group, Eletrick Lyte Orkestra, to the Norwegian Nobel Committee for consideration on the annual award which has been previously given out to heads of states, religious figureheads, and global activists. If selected, it would mark the first time an individual/entity from a highly profitable and exploitive company would receive the laureate.

“Finally someone made us smile,” said Umair Basha, Assistant Communications Director for the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA). “It’s nice to have one of your own in a mega commercial.”

Since the beginning of the week Coca-Cola shares have continued to rise on massive optimism particularly fueled from billionaire Muslim investors who feel special that someone has acknowledged them in a positive light. Despite not realizing Coca-Cola’s marketing team had discovered the American Muslim demographic to be one of the wealthiest based on per capita, most Muslims are thrilled they may be taken as part of the American family.

Coca-Cola is allegedly now working on a new ad with the Taliban which will reenact the storyline from their 1979 classic commercial featuring “Mean” Joe Greene only this time the Hall of Fame Pittsburgh Steelers’ defensive end will be replaced by a Taliban soldier who has just beaten the shit out of a high-schooler for reading a book. As he completes his treacherous flogging, a 7 year holding a bottle of Coke offers him the drink to quench his thirst, to which the soldier smiles and gives his machete to the kid in exchange. Coca-Cola denies this report.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

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Dec 052013
 

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

By Qaiser Sosse

Washington, DC Despite a week-long concerted campaign by many conservative Republicans to promote a better America, the Grand Old Party (GOP) was notified yesterday afternoon that online retail giant, Amazon, will not use its drones to hunt and attack ethnic minorities and in particular, Muslims, who behave badly.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

“We are definitely disappointed by their [Amazon] decision,” said GOP spokesperson Don Mather. “It’s unfortunate they couldn’t see it our way.”

Last Sunday, 60 Minutes ran an interview with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who discussed the future of unmanned drones delivering lightweight parcels to Amazon customers. The objective was to provide an alternative, more effective and timely method for the shipment of orders within a 10 mile radius.

Even before the segment with Bezos ended, GOP representatives had jumped on the phones with Amazon Product Management and proposed the drones, also known as ‘octocopters’, be equipped with ammunition that could deter minorities from “not acting like Americans.”

According to Peter Hamm, GOP assistant Press Secretary, examples of such behavior would be limited to only public places.  “We are in no way denying any individual their rights and pursuit of happiness within the confines of their own homes,” said Hamm. But at the same time, when Mexicans conduct cock fights in alleys, African-Americans become loud and obnoxious in shopping malls and when Muslims decide to use a bull horn to announce the call of prayer in a quiet neighborhood, we have to look at these barbaric acts and prevent them.”

When Hamm was told his examples were simply bigoted stereotypes from the far right, he scoffed. “Come on. I’ve seen enough movies to know these things are real.”

Hamm went on to say the GOP never intended for the deterrence to physically harm targeted recipients. Instead, the choice of weapon was the Laser Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) missile, made up of energized electrons and ions which uses laser pulses to create pellets of plasma that can potentially incapacitate, offset or disorientate a person.

“If a caucasian were to witness an un-American event, all they would need to do would be to call a toll-free hotline number to notify Amazon, who would then GPS the target and deploy the drones.

“It’s really not bad. All that happens is a minority gets stunned for a little while, perhaps no more than 2 minutes. Then they regain consciousness and go about their lives again. It’s pretty safe.”

Reaction to the proposed idea was swift and critical. “Respectfully speaking, they’re fucking nuts,” said Hamed Daudi, Chairperson of the The Arab Muslim Policy Institute (AMPI), a political think tank based in Washington, DC. “Nothing surprises me anymore. But in my 35 year career of trying to work with Republican Neocons on Muslim advancement in the United States, this has got to take the cake.”

“It’s because of folks like these, our organization will never go out of business,” said Sawyer Hadley, Midwestern Board Director for the NAACP, the nation’s oldest and largest civil rights group. “You have to almost thank them for being so diabolical and racist. It definitely makes it interesting to go into work each morning.”

Amazon has not commented to the controversy only stating in a press release that its company and service is for everyone regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. In the meantime, the GOP will work with clothing retailers and constant instigators on all forms of discrimination, Abercrombie & Fitch, to release an all-white clothing line for only beautiful people which will coincide with Christmas and New Year Eve parties.