Nov 222013
 

Sunday School Teacher Tries to Show Foolishness Playing the Lottery, Wins Big Time—Not Giving Up the Money

By Nazia Ali

Florida 2 lotteryJupiter, FL— A Muslim Sunday School teacher, who attempted to demonstrate the stupidity of playing the Florida State Lottery, won $15 million last Saturday night, when all numbers on his ticket hit.

Sameer Bashiri, a resident of Jupiter and an electrical engineer for Siemens, went wild according to his wife, after the last number, which happened to be 18, popped out of the ping pong ball air machine. “He could not stop screaming,” Mona Bashiri said.”It was as if someone lit his boxers on fire.” Mrs. Bashiri said her husband completely became hysterical and started talking to the ticket after he settled down, caressing and calling it his baby.

Bashiri, 56, who volunteered as a history teacher for 10th grade students at the Islamic Center of Palm Beach (ICPB) had been a fervent opponent of gambling especially with the lottery which Bashiri called the “Devil’s Slot Machine.” In July of this year, as an act of defiance, Bashiri refused to teach Hussein Rehab, a student who was given a lottery ticket from his older brother, even though no one, not even Rehab believed he had a chance to win. According to the New York Times, the odds of winning a 6 draw power ball lottery are 1 in 175 million. While Rehab did not win, he was suspended from the class, as Bashiri was adamant of having no association with a degenerate.

Last Sunday afternoon, Bashiri walked with his students to a local 7-Eleven, purchased a lottery ticket for $1 then went on to admonish the dangers of gambling and its prohibition in Islam. He then rambled on to point out how a small piece of paper made people act crazy and tense because they believed they would become rich. When one student asked what he would do if he were to win, Bashiri laughed and said according to multiple sources, “there’s no way I’m going to win—but if I did, I will donate all the money to some non-Muslim charity.”

However, at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Bashiri’s lawyer, Vince Riablo, said his client has no intention of giving up the money. When told of the ICPB’s board threat to remove Bashiri from his position as a teacher if he does not surrender his winnings, Riablo confirmed Bashiri wasn’t concerned at all. “Yeah, I don’t think he gives a shit.”

21 year-old Sumaiya, Bashiri’s oldest daughter, said her father’s new multi-millionaire status has put him on a  bender, which has included purchasing a Yacht, a Llama, owning all the publishing music rights to Florida hard-rock band Creed and partying with Lebron James. “If anyone wants to see my dad, they just have to turn on the television and watch the Miami Heat games. He sits on the bench with all the players. I would say its an understatement to say he’s having the time of his life.”

So far whereabouts of Bashiri have been unsubstantiated but reports had relocated to Ibiza where he plans to start a new career as a DJ.

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

 RELIGION  Comments Off on Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings
Nov 142013
 

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

By Qaiser Sosse

 

Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Karachi, Pakistan—A new study released today by the Berkeley Psychic Institute cited an increase number of Jinns are requiring therapy at treatment centers due to the decline of supernatural observations in Pakistan.

The study, which also conducted a survey of Jinn stories and its impact on society, found almost 23% of Pakistanis have started to scoff paranormal accounts using rational judgment to explain haunted houses and devil possessed individuals.

However, Jinns in Pakistan have recently been critical of the international intellectual community and its rejection to unexplained occurrences. Humans who claim to have seen cats suspended in air, little kids walking through walls and demonic exorcisms have unanimously been declared by scientists, as mentally insane. This has led to a growing frustration by Jinns,who have protested the allegations, but alarmingly have also required counseling from both Jinn and human counselors to boost their confidence.

“This is bullshit! Every little thing has to be questioned with some form of logic!” hollered Jezwan, a male Jinn who has been living for nearly 2000 years in Lahore’s Defense district. “Who else is slamming your windows and opening up refrigerator doors?!”

“It’s becoming an epidemic, one in which we don’t have a definitive answer,” said Imam Kamran Mallick. Mallick, known throughout South Asia as a skilled exorcist having “saved” the souls of over 300 people, said Jinns are having a tough time with what he calls a paranormal recession. “This entire week my staff has been taking a lot of calls from Jinns who are depressed. We’ve had a number of them come in and say they just don’t want to live anymore. It’s been tough. Plus its hurting my business.”

“We take offense to such tasteless and decrepit reports,” said Gwara, executive Chair-jinn for Jinns of a United Pakistan to a thunderous applause that no humans heard. “While we understand some will never accept the actions we do within the realms of earthly dimensions, they can’t base everything on common sense.” Her words echoed the younger demographic of Jinns who have been finding it tougher to enter a market in which humans are not believing Jinn stories and accounts of them taking the form of men, women, trees and animals.

Last week, another organization, The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Jinns (NAACJ) held a press conference at the National Art Gallery in Islamabad to try and set the record straight with the “so-called” circumstantial evidence that has been causing controversy.

“How can they not assume the noise in their attic isn’t us?” said Quidonar, Communications Director for the NAACJ. “Scientists want you to believe we can never interact with humans. They think our ability to touch and feel, to hear and see is limited within the confines of our own world. They don’t want us to integrate. This is racism, classicism and eroticism!”  Quidonar blamed books and technology for causing the recent troubles, citing education as a massive problem for the Jinn movement. “It’s been hard to deal with people who utilize their brains to assume our lack of participation.”

Despite such issues from many Jinns, the Berkeley report did state that more than 75% of Pakistanis still believed in paranormal activity, while over 50% felt they had a home haunted. Dr. Jazzwa, a jinn and Professor of Human skepticism at Gozer University, feels very comfortable with those numbers.

“It basically tells you Pakistanis are still believers of us and don’t want to use scientific hypothesis as the basis for believing in the obvious,” said Jazzwa who believes things will soon turn around. “Thank God for the Taliban. Because of their diligent efforts in trying to shoot children who attend school, burning down libraries and firm stance against vital information sources such as the Internet, I believe it won’t be long before we see a rise of more Jinn stories from this country,” said a teary-eyed Jazza. “They’re my heroes.”

BREAKING NEWS: HIJABI GIRLS ARRESTED FOR ORGANIZING ‘CALL ME MAYBE’ FLASH MOB AT EID

 RELIGION  Comments Off on BREAKING NEWS: HIJABI GIRLS ARRESTED FOR ORGANIZING ‘CALL ME MAYBE’ FLASH MOB AT EID
Oct 162013
 

BREAKING NEWS: HIJABI GIRLS ARRESTED FOR ORGANIZING ‘CALL ME MAYBE’ FLASH MOB AT EID

By Farookh Balsarah

Orlando, FL—Six girls ages 15 to 17 were arrested this morning after an organized flash mob orchestrated moments after the Eid Prayers turned chaotic when a handful of elderly men decided to shut it down.

hijabi girl arrested eidSisters Raila and Naznene Khan, Hoda Al-Kartawi, Hayat Katranji, Leila Yusuf, and Samreen Majeed, all sophomores and juniors at Lakeland High school were charged with disturbing the peace after they began a choreographed dance to Carli Jensen’s smash hit of 2012 “Call Me Maybe.” The girls, who all wore hijab, decided to conduct a flash mob once they researched that dance, according to a small hadith from 9th-century Islamic scholar, from Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, who referenced the Prophet and one of his wives observing a group of Abyssinian Christians performing a modest dance inside a mosque, and watched without objection.

“I don’t see what the problem is!” said Yusuf, an honors student, who was crying along with the other “conspirators” as they were handcuffed by Orlando Police. “It says that it’s OK to dance! Eid is so boring—what is wrong with bringing a little joy to it?” She went on to refer the majority of scholars who cite the Hanbal hadith say it permits dancing so long as there is no alcohol, no gender mixing, and not doing it excessively. “Muslims never read the fine print! All they want to do is to cut it up and keep things as vanilla as possible. What is wrong with you people?!”

The Eid Prayers, held bi-annually at the Jama masjid, began at its usual time of 9:00 am and concluded an hour later. Apparently there was no notification of post festivities as people started to quietly make their way from the hall and into the parking lot. 10 minutes later, “Call Me Maybe” came blaring from the public address speakers. Two girls with arms flailing made their way to the center of the crowd. After some stylistic syncopated moves which included numerous back-flips, the girls were joined by 8 others and the dance was in full force. While many applauded and cheered, some were incensed by the party atmosphere and decided to put an end to the show. Board member, Hassan Sheikh, appalled by the fun, screamed at the troupe, who paid no attention and kept dancing. The 63-year old looked for reinforcement and got it from Hamid Abdullah, also 63, who threatened the girls.

Witnesses heard Abdullah shout “I definitely don’t need your number—but MAYBE I’ll call the police!” He grabbed 2 of the girls by the arm and dragged them away while requesting his nephew to call 911. In a state of panic, the remaining girls broke off from the routine and were seen as very upset. Abdullah later confirmed he was infuriated by the shenanigans “What the hell were they thinking?”

“It’s tragic to see some sweet girls trying to add a little color to Eid-ul-Adha and yet it gets slammed down,” said Mariam Abassi, a dental assistant, who admitted that she was tapping her feet to the music and having a good time. Still, others took the side of Sheikh and were embarrassed by the situation and confused with the concept of a flash mob.

“If you want to make a mockery of Eid prayers, go right ahead,” said Principal Irfan Daudi of the Islamic Horizon Magnet school of Kissimmee. “Just don’t assume people are going to jump in and dance with you, especially to that song. They could have picked something better to twerk with.”Daudi later told reporters no charges would be filed in this case and the arrests were to serve as a deterrent to future acts of outrageous behaviors.

Sep 202013
 

by Sameer Khalil

After months of intense surveillance involving dozens of undercover police officers at local mosques, classified reports recently disclosed numerous serious threats which included misplaced shoes, extreme tardiness, and the shortchanging of samosas during lunch break.

For 6 months, the New York Police Department used undercover cops to pose as worshippers, Imams, Muslim teachers and students in an effort to infiltrate hardcore mosques to expose dangerous issues.

NYPD Surveillance Report Shows Disturbing Activities at Local MosquesOfficer Mike Jones, 43, attended Dar-ul-Medina in the Bronx for daily prayers over several months only to have repeated shocking discoveries. “On numerous occasions, I was leaving the prayer hall to the shoe rack area to grab my shoes” said Jones. “When searching for them, there were several occasions they went missing. I was shocked because I remembered exactly where I placed them, and then they were suddenly gone.” A stressed out Jones recalls the events were most notable during Friday prayers, an atmosphere he describes only as “chaotic.” “I eventually found the shoes two or three slots over after they were moved. Thank god I have a background in advanced security intelligence.”

Aside from daily prayer activities, NYPD officers infiltrated the Averroes full time Islamic School in Queens. During a lunch break, field Officer Joe Peroni, 31, was in line for a prepared meal which was to contain two samosas, biryani, and a brownie, but was shocked at what he found. “Everyone knows what’s in a lunch meal” he said furiously. “Yet somehow, mine had only one samosa!” Peroni said he felt the urge to arrest the cafeteria lady, but added, “The key is patience” as he documented every detail. “They’re all going down eventually.”

Perhaps the most notorious threat was one that was avoided. Captain Mike Dorchester, attended the Islamic Cultural Association annual dinner and fundraising event in the Brooklyn. While the event was scheduled for 7pm, Dorchester keenly noticed barely a few people were in attendance. After waiting 30 minutes, only a few guests entered the 500-capacity hall. “I then realized they were on to me,” Dorchester said. “They must have had the gathering at a mystery location once my cover was blown.” Dorchester was relieved to escape before imminent danger but managed to gather some key intelligence. “Before leaving, I asked a small group if they knew why nobody was in attendance. There were no answers,” Dorchester added. “As I began to walk away, I heard someone say the words ‘desi time.’ I’m pretty sure that’s some type of code word for an Al Qaida splinter cell.”

Imam Hamid Khan was horrified to hear of the allegations. “We are law abiding, American citizens,” he pleaded. “I personally was unaware of such misconduct in our mosques.”

Jones disagrees. After his traumatic experience and other observations over a 6 month period, he and other NYPD officers are ready to present substantial evidence in special court hearings that may eventually shut down Dar-ul-Madina.

Meanwhile, the NYPD’s surveillance program announced an expansion which will cover more mosques, 5000 undercover police and a $300 annual million dollar budget. “It’s resource well spent” says Mayor Michael Bloomberg “I mean it’s not like New York has any other needs this crucial.”