Jun 042014

Pakistan Receives ‘Captain Obvious’ Award After Declaring Honor Killings as UnIslamic

By Muhammad Jabri


captain obvious awardGeneva (SUI)—Pakistan was awarded the highest recognition for utilizing blatant common sense when it finally declared last week the barbaric and sadistic honor killings which have mired the country in dark controversy and created international outrage was unjustified.

The 30th annual Captain Obvious Award was presented today by the Social Science Research Council (SSRC) to Deputy Foreign Minister Fawad Shah Jehaan Siddiqui who accepted on behalf of Pakistan, which received 60 more votes than Russia, the top contender for the first half of the year when they admitted the deployment of soldiers into Crimea was to take over the peninsula and not to provide assistance to its people.

“I’m very honored and humbled by such a prestigious award,” said a proud Siddiqui, who appeared to have no understanding what he had received. “To be chosen for a Captain Obvious is letting the world know that we are not just politically savvy with our tough actions, but that we treat every decision with deep procrastinating thoughts.”

The SSRC, an independent and non-profit global organization founded in 1922, started the Captain Obvious campaign in 1990 to highlight elementary declarations, condemnations and rhetorical questions which are actually answered by countries, and in some circumstances, recognized figureheads. Support by a multitude of service groups and non-Governmental organizations (NGO) led the Captain Obvious Award to become a highlight and yearly fixture since 1994 for recipients who very much have no clue what the award entails other than it has an international aura. Former winners include the United States National Security Agency (NSA) saying they should have been more transparent on how they used information collected through surveillance; former President of France Nicolas Sarkozy in 2012 for claiming women wearing hijab in his country had become an issue; and India in 2013 for saying that rape is a problem.

“It’s like rewarding a child for eating his food at the table instead of on the floor,” said Dr. Birk Chathman, Professor of Political Science in Global Studies at the University of California, Irvine. “When the child figures out the black and white to the dilemma, you give him ice cream. Pakistan just got its ice cream.”

Pakistan made headlines when it denounced honor killings defined as a homicide of a member within the family usually committed by one or more other members of the family due to breaking custom codes or protocols. Most recently, a 25 year-old pregnant woman was bludgeoned to death on the streets of Lahore by family members for disobeying her parents and marrying man whom she loved. Pakistan finally declared the killing was unlawful and not considered acceptable within the context of Islam. However, critics have been quick to question the praise countries or individuals are receiving for pointing out the obvious.

“Sure, throw them a bone and pat them on the head for making such a ‘wise’ decision,” said Tarek Darwala, a member of the United Nations special convoy for South Asian negotiations. “Pakistan makes such a statement and now they think they’re the big brains on the block. But I’m not sold. They’re bound to let the dog pee on the rug again and be completely oblivious to it.”

Baby Charged For Attempted Murder in Pakistan, Denies Going into Hiding—Says He Went Back to Get his ‘Gatt’

 POLITICS, RELIGION  Comments Off on Baby Charged For Attempted Murder in Pakistan, Denies Going into Hiding—Says He Went Back to Get his ‘Gatt’
Apr 112014

Baby Charged For Attempted Murder in Pakistan, Denies Going into Hiding—Says He Went Back to Get his ‘Gatt’

By Nourie Ghani


??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Lahore (Pakistan)—A 9-month old boy who had been charged for attempted murder in Pakistan, denies allegations that he was in hiding, but merely went home to get his automatic weapon of choice.

Muhammad Musa Khan, the baby still at large, was charged along with four others for stoning police after a protest against gas cuts and price increase went out of control. Khan was hauled into court later that week to get his fingerprints taken. While Khan admits he was emotionally disturbed by the malicious act, the baby says he eventually settled down and got his act together by getting his pistol.

“They thought I was ducking them, but I was actually flexing,” Khan said with a stern look as he was changing out of his spoiled diapers into a fresh pair. “Five-0 may think they got us on lockdown—they don’t.” Khan denied he and his family were scared of the police and would still go out in the evenings for walks to Red Mango and funnel cakes. “I was never scared—angry but never scared. You have to be hard out here. If you’re not, the Pakistan law enforcement will do whatever they can to take down a 9-month baby like myself.”

“This baby, who’s practically a man, is nothing but a menace to society,” said Inspector Tahir Mansouri of the Iqbal Town Division. “There is nothing to assume he would not be involved in threatening the lives of police officers.” Mansouri claimed of other infants a year-old and younger that have posed a dangerous risk to officers though he could not provide evidence. “If you think they’re like all the other babies in the word, you’ve got another thing coming, They’re hard-core thugs.”  Khan concurs.

“I think we have to be given our situation,” he said. “I mean as a baby, I gotta be ready for whatever the police try to hang me on. They think I was throwing stones at them during that protest, so be it. Just realize I’m strapped now—so if you want me, you best come get me.”


“Baby Muhammad arrested and fingerprinted”

Justine Warren, a professor of Sociology at Dartmouth University said that Pakistan like a few other countries is getting fed up with the hostility towards its government. As a result, everyone including children are being pinched for crimes. “This country has no clue on how to handle the chaos by its citizens and because of it we have babies being accused of violence,” she said. “I’ll give it another year before their goats stand trial for grand theft auto.”

“Its amazing what a law force will do when its so pathetic,” said Naeem Raja, Khan’s Uncle. “I mean I understand baby Muhammad is all hard. But come on, charging a 9 month-old for stoning a cop, is getting out of hand.” However, the young Khan who hasn’t even started to walk properly, deflected that notion.

“I’m just out here trying to watch my back. I can’t live like a normal 9 month-old baby because the police don’t want you to live like that,” he said. “It’s us against them and I ain’t going out like some sucker baby on the street. If they’re gonna come get me I’m going out milk bottles and guns blazing.”

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

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Nov 142013

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

By Qaiser Sosse


Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Karachi, Pakistan—A new study released today by the Berkeley Psychic Institute cited an increase number of Jinns are requiring therapy at treatment centers due to the decline of supernatural observations in Pakistan.

The study, which also conducted a survey of Jinn stories and its impact on society, found almost 23% of Pakistanis have started to scoff paranormal accounts using rational judgment to explain haunted houses and devil possessed individuals.

However, Jinns in Pakistan have recently been critical of the international intellectual community and its rejection to unexplained occurrences. Humans who claim to have seen cats suspended in air, little kids walking through walls and demonic exorcisms have unanimously been declared by scientists, as mentally insane. This has led to a growing frustration by Jinns,who have protested the allegations, but alarmingly have also required counseling from both Jinn and human counselors to boost their confidence.

“This is bullshit! Every little thing has to be questioned with some form of logic!” hollered Jezwan, a male Jinn who has been living for nearly 2000 years in Lahore’s Defense district. “Who else is slamming your windows and opening up refrigerator doors?!”

“It’s becoming an epidemic, one in which we don’t have a definitive answer,” said Imam Kamran Mallick. Mallick, known throughout South Asia as a skilled exorcist having “saved” the souls of over 300 people, said Jinns are having a tough time with what he calls a paranormal recession. “This entire week my staff has been taking a lot of calls from Jinns who are depressed. We’ve had a number of them come in and say they just don’t want to live anymore. It’s been tough. Plus its hurting my business.”

“We take offense to such tasteless and decrepit reports,” said Gwara, executive Chair-jinn for Jinns of a United Pakistan to a thunderous applause that no humans heard. “While we understand some will never accept the actions we do within the realms of earthly dimensions, they can’t base everything on common sense.” Her words echoed the younger demographic of Jinns who have been finding it tougher to enter a market in which humans are not believing Jinn stories and accounts of them taking the form of men, women, trees and animals.

Last week, another organization, The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Jinns (NAACJ) held a press conference at the National Art Gallery in Islamabad to try and set the record straight with the “so-called” circumstantial evidence that has been causing controversy.

“How can they not assume the noise in their attic isn’t us?” said Quidonar, Communications Director for the NAACJ. “Scientists want you to believe we can never interact with humans. They think our ability to touch and feel, to hear and see is limited within the confines of our own world. They don’t want us to integrate. This is racism, classicism and eroticism!”  Quidonar blamed books and technology for causing the recent troubles, citing education as a massive problem for the Jinn movement. “It’s been hard to deal with people who utilize their brains to assume our lack of participation.”

Despite such issues from many Jinns, the Berkeley report did state that more than 75% of Pakistanis still believed in paranormal activity, while over 50% felt they had a home haunted. Dr. Jazzwa, a jinn and Professor of Human skepticism at Gozer University, feels very comfortable with those numbers.

“It basically tells you Pakistanis are still believers of us and don’t want to use scientific hypothesis as the basis for believing in the obvious,” said Jazzwa who believes things will soon turn around. “Thank God for the Taliban. Because of their diligent efforts in trying to shoot children who attend school, burning down libraries and firm stance against vital information sources such as the Internet, I believe it won’t be long before we see a rise of more Jinn stories from this country,” said a teary-eyed Jazza. “They’re my heroes.”

UK Mulling Coming Out of Retirement and Colonizing Pakistan — again.

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Sep 272013

UK Mulling Coming Out of Retirement and Colonizing Pakistan —again.

By Farookh Balsarah

London, UK—Pakistan’s high-level of daily violence, corruption, threats with nuclear bombs and blaming its neighbor of everything under the son, has caused the UK to consider returning to their colonialism days and taking the country over.If acted upon successfully, it would be the second time the Western power would have hegemony on a portion of the sub-continent, the last being 66 years ago and prior to Pakistan’s independence.

House-of-Lords“It’s definitely a possibility to consider coming back to that region of the world,” said Lord David Kennels, a Member of Parliament (MP) and Labor Party politician. “Pakistan is right now in a state of insanity—at least more insane than they usually are. I’m not sure if they can be trusted at this time to try and keep stability in South Asia.”

At the latest House of Common hearings many other MPs echoed Kennels’ views of colonization, arguing it would not be the colonialism from years past where the UK exploited the goods and commerce of the Indian region in the 19th and a portion of the 20th centuries. Instead, this would be an opportunity to “slap a muzzle” on the troublemakers in the Pakistan government by having a visible presence in the country.  “We wouldn’t be there to reign supreme as we did so many years ago,” said MP Sharon Brown, also affiliated with the Labor Party. “All we want to make sure is that the risk of firing warheads to the Western hemisphere is minimized. If it happens that we can run their transportation service, their banking and finance, education, sports and entertainment, maybe even keep people in line, so be it.”

But Pakistan was not taking the news so positively. Protests and demonstrations ran wild this week throughout the cities of Karachi and Islamabad, as thousands chanted ‘death to England!’ They burned multiple Union Jack flags and threw rocks at the British Embassy, which increased security and was placed on high alert. “We will not be intimidated by the evil British any longer,” shouted Yasser Aslam, a 53-year old criminal judge for District 23 in the Sindh territories. “If they think they can come to our land again and govern it with an iron fist they have another thing coming!” Aslam went on to say South Asia, and in particular Pakistan, is not the weak nerdy kid it was 80 years, but a raging bully who will punch first then think later. He refused to accept England’s 150 year old rule over India that ended in 1947, claiming history books fabricated the dominance of the British Empire. “Frankly they got lucky.”


In Lahore, the Commission for Paki-Euro Relations (CPER) rejected any thought on colonization, and went so far as to insult British food, clothing, Benny Hill and bad teeth. But the biggest accusation came from the organization’s Secretary General, Adnan Qureshi, who minimized England’s contribution to the music world, by claiming the Beatles and Rolling Stones were awful bands. Moreover, he said Pakistan’s progressive liberal and cultural arts, now run by the open-minded Taliban, would be ruined by English influence. “This is a sad state of affairs,” he said. “Why should we be the ones to suffer? So we have political fighting that turns into bloodshed 24 hours a day, half the country can’t read, and everyone has an itchy finger to press the button and bomb India. But is that any reason to get upset?”

England has asked for the assistance of the United States in case they do decide to colonize, a request that has been heavily favored by the Senate. One Congressman, who wished to remain anonymous, was asked how easy it would be to militarily take over Pakistan. “Like shooting fish in a barrel. If they couldn’t figure out Bin Laden was barbequing in their backyard for years, how hard is it going to be to get in and take over the neighborhood? Probably a couple of weeks I guess.”

Drinking his afternoon tea, Sir Lawrence Abercrombie, Assistant Vice-Chief of the UK Defense Staff reminisced about the glory days of South Asian rule and how he hopes a new plan of colonization could achieve a level of peace and stability within the region even at the price of exploitation. “If a handful of sweatshops are accidentally created and contribute to Pakistan’s economy so that products can be manufactured and imported at zero dollars for England, I say why not” said a delighted Abercrombie. “We won’t make it the emphasis. But then again, let’s not all get riled up. If the Queen were to make a few pounds on the side, while keeping a tight leash on Pakistan, it’s all the better.”