Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

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Jul 302014
 

Damn you Hamas—Damn You!

An op-ed by the Tiny Minority of Pro-Israel Supporters

@Theokranews

Israeli supporters 2As we head into the third week of a poor man’s intifada, one cannot avoid the violence and pools of blood that blemish the roads and hilltops throughout this beautiful region. We have witnessed children killed, families separated and the horror of bombs dropped every 10 minutes. We constantly look at the sky and then seek shelter. We pray to the end of the destruction and the agony of those who have been inflicted by pain from all the suffering. Most importantly we say with courage to the people from the Light unto Nations—stay strong. And damn you Hamas.

Hamas you have made things so tough for Israel. We sit here and loathe the day you ever took control of Gaza through an official Palestinian legislative election in which you received 440,000 votes, nearly 44% of the constituency. Yes, we know it’s official. But you’re not getting a fruit basket from us. Were we surprised when you removed the declaration of wiping Israel from the map in your new manifesto which completely nullified the very same statement in the preamble to your 1988 charter? Yes! There was more of a chance for LeBron James to play in the WNBA than for you to make such a bold and positive change. But then you had the balls to take your rage one step further in 2012 and work with Fatah to squash your differences.  Was this an attempt to become more legitimate and to start a new chapter of dialogue? Maybe. But it’s not going to happen because we won’t let it. There is no need for a talk when it is a scientific fact your organization is comprised of terrorists.

Don’t think your change in attitude will fool us. You deserve the economic blockade imposed on you since you were sworn into office even though we kind of figured just about everyone in Gaza is not associated with Hamas. There’s not a gallon of milk you can purchase for kids in school that will allow us to overlook your malevolent actions. Your limited movement from one fence line to the next and inspections at checkpoints for anyone under 50 is a testament to the safety we maintain for the Palestinian people. If they can’t go anywhere than we know they are secure. We make sure that all goods are inspected before they proceed into Gaza. All infrastructure, gas and electricity are minimal. I mean how much do you really need anyways? And while the United Nations, the United Nations Human Rights Council, The Red Cross, Desmond Tutu, Russell Brand, Penelope Cruz, John Cusack, Chuck D and John Legend consider this blockade a collective punishment and illegal, just remember, ‘flotilla’ rhymes with ‘vanilla’ and earns you 11 points in Scrabble.

israeli owl

Baatz blames his pain and anguish on Hamas

We show compassion time and time again. When your hand-rolled $800 missiles that look more like bottle rockets come into Israel but are shot down by our $180 million Iron Dome System (thank you Detroit!), we show no animosity.  Before we invade Gaza, we demonstrate the decency by providing leaflets which warn Palestinians to evacuate the area before we annihilate the homes they will never see again. We even drop smaller bombs before the bigger ones just to let them get a small taste of what’s really coming. But when a long-eared owl by the name of Baatz gets injured from a delayed mortar attack in Nirim and has to be rushed to an animal hospital to save it from dying, there is no compassion. How dare you speak of the occupation, the atrocities and the 1000 civilians’ deaths in Gaza this past month when an innocent owl was seriously injured?! Luckily Baatz is now in stable condition and has the best doctors in the world tending to his needs. But what if he hadn’t survived? Could you live with yourself Hamas to have the blood of an Israeli owl on your hands? Could you deal with the pain and suffering of Baatz? I think not.

As a minority of ardent supporters who love shwarmas and Chuck Norris, we are committed to protecting Israel and advocating that the only peace is a one-sided solution in which we ask the questions and you give the reply. So please stop Hamas—it’s making the situation dire. While your popularity rises as Israel’s blatant control of the Palestinian National Authority becomes more evident, you cannot win the world over. As soundtrack king Kenny Loggins and ex-front man falsetto God Steve Perry sang together in the summer of 1983, “Don’t fight it—it’ll do your heart no good.” Listen to them—they divinely speak the truth. And always remember—the owl is watching.

Jul 232014
 

Detroit Residents Stunned Israel Not the 51st State of America

By Ed Majeed

@TheOkraNews

Detroit 2Detroit (MI)—A recent Gallup poll in Detroit this past week found over 89% of its residents believed Israel was the 51st state of the United States of America.

5,000 homeowners within the proper city district of Detroit were surveyed for public opinions related to the latest conflict in the Middle East, but also to question their knowledge on Israel. Surprisingly, 90.4% of respondents mistakenly took the country as a state in the union, detached from the mainland as with Hawaii. Even more remarkable was 78% supported the $3.5 billion in annual aid Israel received and its recent attack on Gaza calling the Palestinians “savages who want to take control of American soil.” Respondents were later told Israel was indeed not a part of the United States and the aid was not domestic, but foreign.

“What you mean, foreign?!” screamed Latoya Randolph, a salon stylist from the North End neighborhood of Detroit. “You telling me we giving $3 billion to a fucking country in the middle of nowhere while we all out here struggling to get groceries?! That’s just bullshit.”

Detroit 1

Randolph was pissed when she realized Israel was not a state

“Apparently the government hasn’t come to this town in a while,” said Leonard Tates, a retired police officer, who has been waiting for his pension to start since 2005 because city funds have been depleted. “This place is a dump and no one seems to be helping. But Israel is just having a grand old time out there on the Mediterranean putting honey on itself and rolling in my taxes.  I can’t believe this.”

Detroit, which was given the dubious title in 2013 by Forbes magazine as “most miserable city in America” has continued to struggle with high levels of crime and unemployment. Home prices have set unprecedented lows dropping 35% in the past three years to an average of $40,000 as more people have left. Last April, President Obama spoke to the state of Michigan to try and provide Detroit a whopping $100 million in federal funds to demolish vacant homes and buildings as well as remediating the city. However, it was still $3.4 billion short than Israel’s yearly allowance.

“Israel is a part of America and that is a fact,” said Charlie Dryer, a sanitations inspector for Motown Water Works. “I’m pretty sure they are known as the Blue-Grass state.” Dryer, like many other Detroiters, was clueless of the assistance the country had been receiving for the past six decades by the United States. “I thought they were one of us.”

Detroiters can't charge games for money, because no one has any.

Detroiters can’t charge games for money, because no one has any.

The Gallup Poll also discovered the favoritism of the American public towards Israel had been based on the bias of mainstream media which constantly praises the country for being heroic and valiant, the incessant advocacy by politicians on Israel and its safety, Barbra Streisand and the annoying 700 Club. However, with the advent of social media and live reporting in places such as Gaza and the West Bank, the attitudes of many have started to change. In addition organizations as Jewish Voice for Peace, Boycott Divestments and Sanctions (BDS) along with vocal critics such as Naomi Wolf and Noam Chomsky, who denounce the Palestinian occupation, have created more visibility for the crisis.

Still, despite proving Israel was not the 51st state, there were still respondents who refused to buy into the “lie.” My brother’s friend said he drove to Tel Aviv from Oregon last year,” said Christina Tallender, a resident of Rosedale Park. “And if he tells me that you can drive to Israel, you better believe it.”

Israel Blocks Palestine Involvement in Hunt for Missing Malaysia Airlines—Doesn’t Want Possible Survivors from Getting Weapons

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Mar 122014
 

Israel Blocks Palestine Involvement in Hunt for Missing Malaysia Airlines—Doesn’t Want Possible Survivors from Getting Weapons

By Mazin Sofian
@TheOkraNews

guns and boatsGaza (Palestine)—Despite unrelenting appeal and protests from Palestinians who eagerly want to assist in the search and rescue for the missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370, Israel has blocked Palestinian boats from participating in the global mission for fear they may supply the passengers, if found, with weapons which they could use to wipe out Jerusalem .
The possibility of an attack by possible survivors of the 777 Boeing airplane, which inexplicably lost all communications this past Saturday at around 1:40 a.m. and vanished while on route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing, was confirmed in a statement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). As of Thursday morning, Palestinian ports were being monitored for departure and entrance.
“It is in our best interest to protect a possible strike on the capital by preventing left-wing factions of the Palestinian Authority to arm surviving passengers,” commented Mickey Rosenfield, Deputy Director of the Naval War Service. “We cannot take a chance of being the subject to atrocity if this were to happen.” Rosenfeld reaffirmed he would not take the rather bizarre scenario out of scope and considers it a legitimate threat.

“I think they’re nuts,” said Haythum Nashrawallah, Secretary-General for the Palestine National Security Forces. “We don’t have a Navy. We don’t have carriers to ship the weapons. All we have are fishing boats!” Nashrawallah commented the thought of possible survivors from a plane which disappeared 6 days ago would be miraculous. But the thought of arming them is literally insane. “So let me get this straight. On the boats that we currently have, Israel is concerned we may stockpile them with heavy artillery weapons? And then in the crazy possibility that if there are survivors of the flight, we’re going to train them with the weapons we give them so that they may strike Jerusalem? Yeah—that makes perfect sense.”

The IDF is now investigating Dolphin Terrorist Training

The IDF is now investigating Dolphin Terrorist Training

“I think the Gaza Flotilla incident has made us paranoid, since we never know what’s coming over here or going out,” said Ira Leibovitz, referring to the 2010 raid which Israel conducted on six ships destined from Turkey to Palestine that was sponsored by the Gaza Free Movement and the Foundation for Human Rights and Freedoms and Humanitarian Relief. While the event turned into a fiasco with accusations of onboard armed weapons and detained activists, the thought of foreign pro-Palestinian supporters brining anything over sounds dangerous. “We just don’t take chances anymore even if we’re going to be condemned for our actions. Weapons can be easily taken over by ship. It’s not hard to believe disgruntled survivors are pissed off because their flight went down and are likely to take it out on someone.” When questioned why anyone who survived a fateful plane crash would then want to go after a country they have no issues with, Liebovitz responded “I’m quite certain they will blame us.”
More than 1000 Arab-Americans demonstrated outside the Israeli embassy in Washington DC yesterday to condemn Israel’s refusal for Palestine to participate in the search and rescue, insisting the freedom to help others as their primary cause, but also stating the obvious.
“I still don’t understand the logic to it,” said Ed Saeedi, a civil rights attorney. “Why doesn’t Israel then assume that Palestine will train dolphins to swim out with Widowmakers on their backs and supply that to other people lost at sea?”
Saeedi’s comments were quickly picked up by global media outlets and reported back to the IDF who are now investigating dolphin terrorist training outside the southern Palestinian town of Rafah.