Jan 242014
 

Bored FBI Pull White House Petition Prank—collects 7 years of data on American Muslims in less than 2 weeks

By Adnan Hussein

FBI 2In an attempt to relive the glory years after being disenchanted with politically correct blah-blah, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) admitted today the recent White House petition to grant Eid al-Fitr, the religious celebration observed in Islam, as a Federal Holliday, was just an old gag to collect new data on Muslims in the United States.

“That was easy,” said FBI Deputy Director Larry Crosby to a raucous and jubilant crowd of field agents, U.S. Marshalls and reporters. “No, it was easy! Too easy!!  I’m done. I don’t want to play no more.” Crosby, wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat, told the packed conference room of more than 500 he didn’t realize a simple tactic, first administered in the 1960s through the covert and sometimes illegal FBI operations known as COINTELPRO, could still be effective. “Back then our Godfather J. Edgar Hoover had a plan to exploit the Black Panthers, KKK, The NAACP, and The Weathermen. I’m proud to say we have carried on the tradition of infiltration and successfully accessed thousands upon thousands of personal information from American Muslims.”

“We got 7 years’ worth of data in less than 2 weeks,” said Janine Epstein, FBI assistant communications analyst for Eastern Division. “Boy, Larry is a maverick. And all he really wanted was a little fun.”

Because of constitutional guidelines, a new referendum to the Privacy Act and a strict policy to government ethics mandated by the White House, monitoring any ethnic or religious group has to be methodical, appropriate and approachable for an audit. The FBI said after such rules were enforced they got bored with surveillance and digging up little tidbits on Muslims.

However according to FBI sources while at a retirement party last October for Senior Director of Operations Mike Fitzgerald, Crosby and his team indulged on the idea to pull a prank like the old days to see how far they could go. It was then suggested to setup a supposed online White House petition. Asked why they targeted Muslims for the joke, one anonymous agent exclaimed “come on—Muslims get so serious about everything. They‘re passionate people, but have no clue when it comes to getting punked. I mean they can’t even figure out The Okra. How are they going to figure out a fake online petition?”

In December of last year, FBI informants acting as teachers at a Virginia high school, identified and persuaded three junior high school Muslim girls to send an op-ed piece to the Washington Post, which conveyed their heart-felt desire to grant the Eids as Federal Holidays. They encouraged Muslims to sign an online petition which would be sent to the White House.

“As if the United States is going to give two religious holidays, which mind you, float every year, a federal status!” laughed Crosby. Ridonkuless!”  While not enough signatures had been collected for the White House to “ponder” stamping Eid a federal Holliday, more than 83,000 Muslims did provide their home contacts which made the prank a success.

“This is really a betrayal to me and the Muslim community at large,” said Qasim Hamada, Secretary-General for The American Muslim Strategy and Alliance. “How dare they use us for their own amusement. This was a serious bid to recognize a major Holliday—and it’s not Festivus!” Hamada said his organization will boycott all support to the FBI for future homeland investigations and demands an apology.

“Oh come on!” said Crosby. “It was a joke. Lighten up. It’s not as if we’re going to solicit your information to anyone. We promise to keep it with us forever.”

Nov 082013
 

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”

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Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”

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The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”