BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

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Dec 102015
 

BREAKING: Trump’s Toupee Resigns Over Remarks towards Muslims

By Shahid Mansouri

@Theokranews

donald-trump-hairNew York (NY)—A fox used regularly as a toupee for Republican nominee Donald Trump left his presidential campaign and is now learning Islam according to multiple sources.  Dirk, a red-haired fox who for the past 8 months had been sitting on Mr. Trump’s head quietly to cover his receding hairline apparently had been very disgusted with the billionaire’s latest comments on banning Muslim immigrants to the United States. The animal decided to part ways with his former employer.”

“I was appalled and offended by Donald’s fierce rhetoric on Muslims,” said Dirk. “Last week while I was sitting quietly on his head pretending to be his hair-piece, his derogatory rhetoric really got to me. I knew right then I had to leave.” While the resignation was somewhat amicable between Dirk and the Trump campaign, most constituents were somewhat surprised the canine decided to study Islam. He is currently at the Islamic Society of Bay Ridge in Brooklyn studying the basics under Imam Abdel Tariq. “I’m not rebelling or sticking it to him [Trump]. I am doing what any fox would do; I am researching the subject before I express an opinion.”

Criticism against Trump has been swift and harsh. GOP candidates Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush as well as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and former Vice-President Dick Cheney were quick to denounce his apparent discrimination. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest later challenged the Republican candidates and said Trump’s proposal “disqualifies him from serving as President,” calling him a carnival baker with fake hair. While Dirk admitted Trump was certainly not a bad guy off camera, he has been rather loud and obnoxious with his radical views for quite some time. He also doesn’t have real hair.

"I couldn't take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore" said Dirk.

“I couldn’t take the blatant Muslim profiling anymore” said Dirk.

This is not the first time an animal was paid to sit on Donald Trump’s head terminated their employment with him. In 2011, a minx refused to do his job when Trump defended police brutality. In 2013, a spray painted raccoon complained how Trump referred to him as the “coon.”  And earlier this year a Mexican chinchilla almost came to physical blows with Trump after the wealthy New York businessman “playfully” asked him if he could mow his lawn. Despite such reported allegations, the Trump Camp has denied the incidents.

“All animals who have nested on the head of Donald Trump and acted as a toupee were always given the proper respect and paid well for their services,” said Natalie Regent, Deputy of Communications for Trump’s presidential campaign. “These are false allegations once again which have been made against Mr. Trump for selfish reasons. He loves animals.” Regent did not comment on Dirk’s replacement, but insisted there were plenty who were seeking the job including a possum and Siamese cat, though there was a concern to the length of their hair.

Dirk has been working on a book called “Hanging with White ISIS”, which accounts his experience with Donald Trump and his supporters. He also plans to spend time touring the country and visiting Islamic Centers. So far he’s been impressed by Muslims Americans. As for a return to a career in acting as a red toupee, Dirk says he has no plans at the moment. But if the opportunity comes up, he will be more careful. “I will be selective and pick individuals who are open-minded and accepting.” There are a lot of crazy people out there. I don’t need to support them.”

 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

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Nov 062014
 

Muslims Flee in Groves to Canada after GOP Takes Control Over House and Senate

By Ray Hamza

@TheOkraNews

#MuslimsLoveRepublicans

Muslims to CanadaDC—Just hours after Tuesday night’s announcement that Republicans would have majority control over the House of Representatives and Senate, American Muslims began to pack their bags, rent out their homes and drive to the only country which they consider safe—Canada.

“I’m not going to deal with this shit again,” said Selmaan Ansari, Press Secretary of the Islamic Action Committee for Political Rights (IACPR) at its Georgetown headquarters, referring to the 2002 GOP controlled Congress which spiked an increase of Muslim discrimination, profiling and Senator John McCain publicly singing “Bomb Iran” a parody to the Beach Boys 1965 cover classic “Barbara Ann.” Ansari echoed sentiments by many Islamic organizations who have been subtly requesting a short hiatus for all Muslims to leave the United States and head to the Great White North.  “Look, I know it’s not convenient for many of us who are working and raising families in this country. But do we really want to hear the incessant banter about the invasion of Sharia law and supposed new Al-Qaeda high school recruits from this obnoxious bunch for the next two years? Not me. I hear Winnipeg is lovely in Spring.”

While the GOP is not the only political party that has frowned upon the rise of Islam in the United States, it’s safe to say that all the others are GOP affiliates. From Oklahoma Rep. John Bennett cautioning people to be “wary” of Muslims, to Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina equating all Muslim-Americans with the terrorists who committed the September 11th attacks, the Right has not been a friend to many. Mid-term key victories by Republicans this past week have created stress and paranoia for many Muslims who don’t want to be a part of another Spanish Inquisition.

“Right now I’m not thinking about the economy or the loss on financial aid for education. I’m thinking on how fast I can get to the Canadian border,” said Arif Hania, a mechanical engineer for Kimberley Clark and a resident of Savannah, Georgia. “Because tomorrow, Congress will pass a law that being a Muslim is anti-American and all the red-necks this part of the country are going to get medieval on me real quick.”

“While we advocate democracy and comply by the laws of this fine country with regards to the liberty of voting and free elections, we also recognize the need to get the hell out of here,” said Ibrahim Khan, President of the United Alliance of Muslim Americans (UAMA) in Phoenix. UAMA held a press release Thursday morning concerned with the impact a Republican led Congress (the largest number of seats since WWII) would do to Islam in America. Khan stressed the anxiety Muslims have had with the GOP citing a 2013 article in the Washington Times which reported the lack of trust between the two. “Honestly, I’m sure many Republican politicians have no issues with Muslims. But they usually make a cattle-call to all the nuts in this country firing them up with crazy rhetoric on American values and the need to maintain the evangelical way. That’s how they get votes.”

In Ottawa, the Canadian Parliament was overwhelmed and dumbfounded by the sudden influx of Muslims. Many were surprised by the large numbers crossing the border, with some immediately looking for jobs. “I guess we’re flattered, eh?” said Brian LeClaire, a member of the New Democratic Party Caucus in Manitoba who was unaware of the now labelled, American-Muslim Diaspora. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from border patrol complaining of cars backed up for 10 miles fighting to get in. “Finally Canada is getting respect.”

Not all Muslims decided to take an absence of leave in another country. The Mumin mosque of Pittsburgh is encouraging people to stay and work with the fresh batch of incoming Republican Congressmen in order to eradicate usual stereotypes and misconceptions of Islam. After prayer services on Wednesday night, Imam Muhammad Al-Sheikh spoke on the necessity for all Muslims to stay in the United States and to continue the endeavor of working with everyone regardless of denomination or political party. Only two people were in attendance.

 

Oct 022014
 
abdullah

Zebras on Parade: How a Monday Night Officiating Crew Brought Islam Forever into America’s Greatest Game

By Yunus Ansari

@TheOkraNews

#HusainAbdullahNFL

abdullahYou have to practically be Gandhi-like in order to love an officiating crew. The sport is irrelevant. It could be Ping-Pong. If there is an umpire, official, a judge, odds are someone, if not many, are going to have an underlying animosity towards them. They’re blind as bats we’d like to say. Back in the day when people actually got together for games at homes or bars, there was always bonding over how much a referee blew a call. There was the time when 12-year-old Yankee fan Jeffrey Maier assisted in Derick Jeter’s catchable hit by interfering in Orioles Tony Tarasco’s catch. The kid basically went down low to grab the ball and in front of the right fielder’s glove. Umpires called it a homerun. Maradonna’s Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup quarterfinal; he obviously touched the ball. But the ref never called it. England will never forget. And of course there is the 2000 Music City Miracle, when during the playoffs, the Tennessee Titans allegedly threw an illegal forward pass, but was ruled a lateral by the line judge which resulted in (yet another) disaster for the Buffalo Bills. These were huge, once in a lifetime moments. Not all plays have such an impact—but the feeling of an alleged blown call at any level is comparable. The not-so irony is most of the time, the refs are correct. They have to be otherwise they couldn’t do their jobs.

In recent years, Twitter and Instagram have allowed for the vortex of tweets and posts to demonize them. One demographic who surly has no issues demonstrating their passion for sports not to mention scapegoating the officiating crew is the beloved Muslim community. Now comfortably established as a second generation in this country, Muslims are as passionate as anyone when it comes to sports. They live and breathe it. They cheer when they win. They cry when they lose. They don’t like each other. You ever been to a Michigan-Ohio State game? It applies to Muslims too. Only in America—and it’s beautiful. And just like many Americans, they blame the refs rather prematurely and quite often. Scan your Muslim sports enthusiasts on your newsfeed and it’s guaranteed many will complain shamelessly about the officiating. Never mind his team is losing by 50 points in the 4th. You cannot avoid the backlash that is generated from the feeling of frustration. So when Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah intercepted a careless Tom Brady pass, ran it back to the house for a meaningless touchdown and performed a sajadah last Monday night only to be called for unsportsmanlike conduct, two things unfolded: 1. A social media riot; and 2. The new connection with Islam and the NFL.

Like riding a psychotic horse which reverses its course and runs back towards the burning barn, things got crazy. Scores of Muslims were upset by what they saw as a condescending Islamaphobic assault. They derided the call and pointed at former Florida Gator great but NFL bust Tim Tebow who often would kneel and show his gratitude towards the heavens after scoring. They avoided any transparency by declaring Abdullah’s actions as an indictment (though not an attack) on Islam.  Once again the zebras were on the hunt—and all because of a mistake.

Sean-Smith--21--Husain-Abdullah--39-jpgBut when one sits back and takes it all in can the moment be magical. Abdullah’s gesture was not just a celebration. It was a revelation. For perhaps the first time on one of the biggest stages, millions of Americans witnessed a Muslim’s humility by dropping to his knees and paying his respects to God. The act itself showed commonality among many who hold religion and sports sacred. It showed virtue and conviction of a higher power. It even silenced the conservatives, anti-Islamists, Bill Maher and Fox news for a minute. Abdullah prostrating in the end zone echoed a sentiment that an individual cannot be scorned or vindicated for being thankful, only adored. Andy Reid, head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs later obscurely said about Abdullah:

“When you go to Mecca, you should be able to slide wherever you want,” Reid said after the game. “We’ve got two priests in here. They’d probably vouch for me.” We’re not sure exactly what he meant. But a ballpark interpretation would be that Reid supported Abdullah’s right to bow his head to the Almighty after a great play. As far as the far-fetched assumptions, some Muslims were trying to rally around, let’s review them:

  • The call was made out of rejection. In reality the refs probably had no idea what a sajadah was up close and personal. They were baffled and deduced Abdullah’s move as breaking an NFL rule which reprimands any player who drops to his knees in an act of celebration.
  • The NFL prohibited Abdullah’s prayers. In reality, the NFL allows a spiritual nod or signal. It has for decades. Within hours of the game the NFL overruled the call on the field. No monetary or disciplinary fine was given.
  • The NFL demonstrated hypocrisy by allowing certain religious movement to be acceptable while punishing others. In reality, neither the NFL nor the officials were knowledgeable about prostrating to God in Islam. They plead ignorance not vindictiveness. There was no double standard. That can only happen if the league purposely punished Abdullah knowing well his celebration was religious. The Council on American Islamic Relations immediately notified the NFL last Tuesday and insisted the policy on prayer should be clarified. The NFL admitted the error and apologized.

Who knows if a Muslim ever gets the chance to celebrate religiously again and if the refs make another “mistake.” Maybe. Odds are it will be a long time before another one scores in football. NBA Muslim players, all two of them, don’t celebrate after points because there is no time to celebrate. And there are no self-acknowledging Muslims in professional baseball. But it doesn’t matter. History was made on Monday Night Football.  The NFL and other sports organizations now have an obligation to teach, as laughable as it may sound, religion in their officiating programs. It also means fans and advocacy groups can’t get riled up towards the officials. Give them time to figure it out. The best thing to do is to go back and blame the zebras for all the other botched calls they intentionally plan to make next Sunday—and thank them for bringing Islam to the game.

Scientists Give Less Than 10 years for Muslim Republicans to Become Extinct

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Sep 112014
 
Cover-muslim republicans

Scientists Give Less Than 10 years for Muslim Republicans to Become Extinct

By Saif Hashim

@Theokranews

Cover-muslim republicansSan Diego (CA)—Despite being a small but strong herd that grazed and voiced their unpopular opinions throughout many urban centers, a group of scientists confirmed today the American Muslim Republican has a high chance of becoming extinct in the next 8 years.

Representatives with the North American Anthropological and Political Science Society (NAAPS) concluded after their annual 4 day conference themed “ Socio-Political Groups of the 21st Century” that Muslims who identified themselves as Republicans, or those who shared similar views with American conservatives such as limiting government involvement with social and private institutions, freezing minimum wage and escalating the awareness of homeland terror, would cease to exist due to a result of common sense and hostility from their own party.

“Without question, we have a species that is frowned upon by its own political platform as well as considered inferior by the majority of Muslims,” said Dr. Waylon Hampstead, a Professor at Pepperdine University who specializes in American immigration movements. “Somehow they don’t adapt well in many places and usually get horrid looks—kind of like a monkey in a town full of chimpanzees.”

“I think it’s hard for me to support the GOP any longer, especially with what has happened in the past few years,” said Haythum El-Mansouri, a podiatrist from Oceanview, CA who had been a registered Republican the past 15 years and was inspired by former Muslim Republican Muhammad Ali Hasan, the founder of Muslims for America, an advocacy group that worked with the Republican National Committee. “I really thought I was a part of the fraternity. But in reality, they (Republicans) laughed at me.”

Jasser demonstrates his patriotism and and love for Islamaphobia.

Jasser demonstrates his patriotism and and love for Islamaphobia.

While no sociological evidence has been found to the origin of Muslim Republicans, NAAPS speculates the first incarnation of the species evolved in 2000 when Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore decided to spice up his vice-presidential selection by choosing Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut as his running mate. The decision took many American Muslims by surprise as Lieberman was  an outspoken supporter of Israel. As many took the cautious decision of supporting President Bush, his administration failed to appeal a second time mainly because of the Afghan and Iraq wars. However, a few holdouts upheld their new status as Republicans with the assumption they would be considered more favorably by the Dockers-wearing, meat and potatoes white demographic. Coincidentally the number of Muslims that participated in bowling, hunting, National Rifle Association (NRA) rallies in addition to criticizing Michael Moore and the Daly Show spiked sharply during the 2000s.

“I really didn’t think it was a problem, especially since I was a doctor,” said Akbar Shabazz, a cardiologist at Cedar-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles. “I mean I never liked to do any of those recreational activities but enjoyed Republican company.”  Shabazz also said it was fantastic to be “liberated” from helping anyone and finding loopholes to avoid paying higher taxes while expecting the government to generate more revenue by instigating a war somewhere in the Middle East. “It didn’t getting any better than that.”

Unfortunately, it took just one incident to change the Muslim Republican conservation status from ‘Least Concerned’ to ‘Critically Endangered’ when Saba Ahmed, a Republican and a law student from Oregon was attacked by her own party at a Heritage House discussion on Benghazi this past July. Apparently, the guest panelists were angered and bashed Ahmed after she said that “We portray Islam and all Muslims as bad, but there’s 1.8 billion followers of Islam,” and “We have 8 million-plus Muslim Americans in this country and I don’t see them represented here.” The event was reported in multiple news outlets; to NAAPS, it may have been the death knell for Muslim Republicans. Still, a few remain at large though at a distance, very much like Siberian Tigers in the wild.

Jasser demonstrates his patriotism and and love for Islamaphobia.

Jasser demonstrates his patriotism and and love for Islamaphobia.

“There’s always going to be a few that will go rogue like Zudhi Jasser, who likes to play the Uncle Tom card, panders to the Right with his ridiculous Islamic Leadership Coalition and thinks he speaks on our behalf,” said Ibrahim Nadar, Director of Strategic Development for the Muslim Alliance of Political Equality in Washington, DC. “In about five years he’ll realize that Republicans placed a ‘Kick Me-I’m Muslim sign’ on his back and will change his stripes. Even if Jasser doesn’t, he’ll be at least held captive in the GOP zoo.”

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

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Dec 052013
 

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

By Qaiser Sosse

Washington, DC Despite a week-long concerted campaign by many conservative Republicans to promote a better America, the Grand Old Party (GOP) was notified yesterday afternoon that online retail giant, Amazon, will not use its drones to hunt and attack ethnic minorities and in particular, Muslims, who behave badly.

GOP Plans for Amazon Drones to Attack Minorities Gets Rejected

“We are definitely disappointed by their [Amazon] decision,” said GOP spokesperson Don Mather. “It’s unfortunate they couldn’t see it our way.”

Last Sunday, 60 Minutes ran an interview with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who discussed the future of unmanned drones delivering lightweight parcels to Amazon customers. The objective was to provide an alternative, more effective and timely method for the shipment of orders within a 10 mile radius.

Even before the segment with Bezos ended, GOP representatives had jumped on the phones with Amazon Product Management and proposed the drones, also known as ‘octocopters’, be equipped with ammunition that could deter minorities from “not acting like Americans.”

According to Peter Hamm, GOP assistant Press Secretary, examples of such behavior would be limited to only public places.  “We are in no way denying any individual their rights and pursuit of happiness within the confines of their own homes,” said Hamm. But at the same time, when Mexicans conduct cock fights in alleys, African-Americans become loud and obnoxious in shopping malls and when Muslims decide to use a bull horn to announce the call of prayer in a quiet neighborhood, we have to look at these barbaric acts and prevent them.”

When Hamm was told his examples were simply bigoted stereotypes from the far right, he scoffed. “Come on. I’ve seen enough movies to know these things are real.”

Hamm went on to say the GOP never intended for the deterrence to physically harm targeted recipients. Instead, the choice of weapon was the Laser Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) missile, made up of energized electrons and ions which uses laser pulses to create pellets of plasma that can potentially incapacitate, offset or disorientate a person.

“If a caucasian were to witness an un-American event, all they would need to do would be to call a toll-free hotline number to notify Amazon, who would then GPS the target and deploy the drones.

“It’s really not bad. All that happens is a minority gets stunned for a little while, perhaps no more than 2 minutes. Then they regain consciousness and go about their lives again. It’s pretty safe.”

Reaction to the proposed idea was swift and critical. “Respectfully speaking, they’re fucking nuts,” said Hamed Daudi, Chairperson of the The Arab Muslim Policy Institute (AMPI), a political think tank based in Washington, DC. “Nothing surprises me anymore. But in my 35 year career of trying to work with Republican Neocons on Muslim advancement in the United States, this has got to take the cake.”

“It’s because of folks like these, our organization will never go out of business,” said Sawyer Hadley, Midwestern Board Director for the NAACP, the nation’s oldest and largest civil rights group. “You have to almost thank them for being so diabolical and racist. It definitely makes it interesting to go into work each morning.”

Amazon has not commented to the controversy only stating in a press release that its company and service is for everyone regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. In the meantime, the GOP will work with clothing retailers and constant instigators on all forms of discrimination, Abercrombie & Fitch, to release an all-white clothing line for only beautiful people which will coincide with Christmas and New Year Eve parties.