Tablighi Jamaat Launch Bachelor Party Service for Muslim Guys Who Want to Have Good Times
By Nabeel Haque
Twitter — @theokranews
Two members of the Islamic movement Tablighi Jamaat launched a Bachelor party service today for future Muslim and non-Muslim husbands who prefer a little excitement to the average garden variety of a fun night. Saffa & Marwa Entertainment, a company based out of Baltimore is promoting a new line of craziness for the conservative but raving revelers.
“You don’t even know how buck wild these bachelor parties can get unless you’re there, you know what I’m sayin!,” said Khalid Minhaj, 25, Co-owner of Saffa & Marwa at the kick-off press conference. “It’s like dudes just need to enjoy that last time solo with their crew. And we give them everything they want and then some.”
Minhaj explained that with the Saffa & Marwa package a Muslim single guy and his friends will get the royal treatment starting with a limousine drive to one of the finest Zabiha restaurants in the city for dinner. Next, the party will target a handful of blocks within a given neighborhood and spend two hours knocking on doors and annoying residents by soliciting Islamic pamphlets and demanding they attend the annual national Tablighi potluck dinner in Silver Springs, Maryland. The evening apparently gets even more festive.
The bachelor and his cronies will be then whisked to a rented all-male club where a DJ will be spinning the best percussion beats. “What’s better than being with your best guy friends and dancing to some rhythmic drumming?!” Co-owner Hussein Basool, 27, exclaimed. Basool did say contemporary music could be allowed in some certain circumstances, but would have to be wholesome. “Bands and musicians like the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift or old school like MC Hammer, Culture Club and Wham! are OK even though we’d probably be considered bad boys by a lot, “he said. “But we’re ready to do it for our customers.”
After dancing, the groom-to-be and his entourage can jump in a hot tub while watching the 1981 classic but melancholy film Lion of the Desert on an 80-inch plasma as they get crunked on sparkling apple juice.
“But that’s only the beginning, son!” shouted Minhaj who’s vocal bravado was eerily becoming reminiscent of the famous rant by Seattle Seahawks defensive back Richard Sherman. “We about to take this to Mars!” Minhaj said the highlight of the package would be a rendezvous to a Holliday Inn penthouse (though Holliday Inn has no penthouses in their accommodations) to engage in an intoxicating program of Suffi chants that “probably” would lead the bachelor party into euphoria. “There ain’t enough weed in all of B-Town to take you this high—yay yay!”
Tablighi Jamaat chairman of North America, Zaid Piracha said he was highly impressed with the two young entrepreneurs and enthusiastically supports the venture because it follows the mantra of Tablighi (and most likely Jehovah Witness) spiritual goals by working at grass roots level to bring Muslims together. “They’ve got a great business idea for men who’ve never been able to get out and have fun. I just love it and hope to get their autographs before they get big.”
While S&M has already done a few bachelor parties, not everyone who signed up for the service came back happy.” Jeff Caruso, a dentist in the Baltimore suburb of Catonsville had hired Saffa & Marwa in October to do a party for his now brother-in-law thinking the package he bought would be your typical last hurrah for your average single man. He was wrong.
“It sucked,” Caruso said. “I paid $2000 and thought we were going to hit all the hot spots, get liquored up and enjoy some steaks, cigars and strip clubs. Instead I had these two bozos (Basool and Minhaj) taking us to an all-male-dance club with no music and restaurants full of sweaty cab drivers who don’t speak English, but kept asking why we won’t convert to Islam. Epic failure.”
Saffa & Marwa has plans to create packages for Bachelorette, Divorcée and Hajj parties. But for now it will concentrate on the bachelor to groom market with discounts to anyone who plans to get married by 18.