BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

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Aug 202015
BCS Terrorists

BCS Finds Life Again with Pre-Season Terrorist Top 10

By Sheraz Khan



BCS TerroristsNew York (NY)—The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) officially listed its Top 10 terrorists for the 2015-2016 season. To no surprise, ISIL took top honors and will be ranked for the upcoming year as the #1 team in the world.

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS), a selection system used to create the five major annual matchups in college football, was discontinued by the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) in 2014 after 15 seasons. However, after a one year lay-off, state governments decided to revitalize the computational application this past June, insistent on using a more effective method to determine the best terrorist organizations in the world.

“It really is a new chapter in our program,” said Tom Mickelson, Vice-President of Operations for the BCS. “We kind of new our days were numbered with the NCAA because of the controversies our system rendered throughout the years. But we believe the BCS still has a place to fill in society and are more than honored to rank the best terrorists in the world.”

While BCS committee members would not elaborate on the complex algorithm used to determine this season’s terrorist rankings, they did confirm that the amount of bloodshed, number of fatalities and casualties as well as regional impact of fear were not the only factors used to determine the order. “Our mathematical process also included the variable levels of annoyance, aloofness, defiance, bantering, and arguing for no reason or stating bizarre uncorroborated statements,” said Sheila McBride, Senior Vice-President of Communications for the BCS. However, she would not comment on a possible change to the BCS name, from ‘BCS’ to ‘TCS’ or Terrorist Championship Series. Rankings as of August 21:

Week 1 Ranking

August 8

Recognized Terrorist Organization

Opponent Week 1

United Nations Poll






White Supremacists

Black Church, Tulsa, OK



Yisrael Beiteinu PP (Israel)




English Defense League (UK)

London Muslims



Boko Haram

St. Mary’s All-Girls school Kano, Nigeria



Donald Trump




Lion Hunters




FOX News

A Brain



Gay Muslims




Movie Shooters



*Game will air 8pm (EST), Saturday on FOX and will be played 24 hours a day for the next 7 days. Check local listings for channel.

Not entering the BCS rankings and slipping out of the United Nations top 10 poll for the first time in 13 years was Al-Qaeda, considered the “Alabama of global terrorism” in the previous decade. With the loss of Taliban support and the rise of ISIL, the worldwide sleeper-cell organization has been in a rebuilding phase for much of the past few years. “It’s been tough and rather hard for the fans who expect us to compete for the title each year,” said Abdul Muhammad Ibn Zaqiri, Counter-Offensive Destruction Coordinator. “But we have some good 5 star recruits that have given us their commitment to join and want to be a part of the Al-Qaeda terrorist legacy.” Others not making the top 10 ranking were the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (FARQ), the Jewish Defense League (JDL) and Confederate Flag advocates.

During the discussion of his recruiting class which includes the #3, #5 and #17 best young terrorists of 2016, ISIL head coach, Yasir “Papa Bear” El-Fadhli said in a press conference today his team is ready but is still trying to take each week with realistic expectations. “Are we good? Absolutely,” said El-Fadhli. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nobody gets an award as the #1 team during the first week of the season. It’s how you finish that counts.”


BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

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Dec 192013

BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus Prays with Muslims at Friday Congregation

santa and muslim kidsTroy, MI — In what surly turned heads and opened mouths in astonishment, a 49 year-old Muslim man attended Friday prayers donning a classic Santa outfit.

Kamran Bashir, a Senior Electrical Engineer for Motorola, walked into the Islamic Association of Greater Detroit in Rochester Hills out of breath and wearing the red sash clothes made famous by the fictional Kris Kringle, better known to people all over the world, as Santa Claus.

“I didn’t know what to make of it,” said Imam Faidi Tamim. “Here we are getting into the deep discussion on the importance of giving during the Holliday season when Santa Claus pops in. Strange.”

“Who does he think he is?!” said Mustak Patel, a regular on Fridays. “If he thinks he’s getting milk and cookies, he’s got another thing coming.”

Bashir had spent his morning buying Holliday gifts for colleagues at the Sunset Plaza Center in Troy when he noticed a handful of people complaining santamuslimkids2at the Winter Festival kiosk that the Santa Claus which the mall hires out each year for children to visit and provide their list of toys, was absent. Mall authorities were later informed the hired Santa help, Sean Richter, 47, of Royal Oak, had been on a 12 hour bender of binge drinking and was extremely hungover to attend the event.

With upset children and a growing number of frustrated parents, Bashir sprung into action and asked if he could act as the temporary Santa. Superviser of store operations Kirk Nelson said they didn’t have much of a choice despite the awkwardness. “In hindsight I don’t think he would have been our first pick, considering he doesn’t look like any of the Santas we’ve had in years past,” said Nelson who politely inferred that Bashir was brown as opposed to the traditional caucasian Santa, which ironically, became a heated media controversy last week when Fox News anchor Megyn Kelley humorously stated on her segment that Santa was indeed, a white person. But Nelson applauded Bashir’s help. “He really did come through. I mean there were other men here who could have done it, but no one stepped up to the plate. To me, he’s a hero for all the kids.”

Bashir, who became so absorbed in the role of playing Santa, realized he was running late to Friday prayers (commonly referred to as Jummah) and got into his car and drove to the mosque not aware he was still wearing the outfit. “I totally forgot what I was wearing, until I ran into the prayer room and everyone looked at me in horror,” said a bewildered Bashir. “I tried to play it cool and ignore the stares but I was getting flushed. Plus its so hot wearing that beard. Very unpleasant.”

Indian Santa ClauseAfter the sermon and prayers concluded, Bashir, now the first Muslin on record to have prayed in a Santa Claus outfit, attempted to get out of the room as quickly as possible but was mobbed by children, all requesting gifts. The scene turned into a frenzy as some men and women scolded him, insisting that he leave with his “reindeers before they throw him down a chimney.”

However, as most of the adults eventually departed, some mothers kept their kids around to meet and speak with Bashir. “Honestly, at the end of the day, Santa Claus is more for the kids than any religious reference,” Halima Wajeed, a resident of Bloomfield Hills. “People just need to relax a little bit. Besides, as a Muslim, Kamran was doing he is duty. There is no clause, no pun intended, that says he can’t pray as Santa. ”

Bashir says he has no plans anytime soon of becoming a regular Santa at Sunset Plaza, but that if they need him he’s ready on standby, just so long as its not on Friday.

Muslim Television Network Launches Comedy Sitcom on Husband and His 4 Wives

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Dec 122013

Muslim Television Network Launches Comedy Sitcom on Husband and His 4 Wives

By Laila Faridi

Muslim Television Network Launches Comedy Sitcom on Husband and His 4 WivesThe Bridges Network, the only 24 hour Muslim television network in North America, announced the debut of its long awaited new comedy sitcom about a Muslim doctor, his 4 wives and two cats named Vin and Diesel.

4 is Enough! will air next Thursday night at 8 pm (EST) with an hour-long commercial-free episode. “It’s been a while in the making, but we finally got it off the ground,” executive producer JJ Mustafa said in a press conference which highlighted the family friendly show has all the spouses living under one roof in a quaint suburb of Philadelphia. “It’s a little strange, but not unrealistic. It’s along the same genre as other shows such as HBO’s Big Love.” Mustafa added the kicker were the cats who speak English with a Quebec accent. “They’re so funny.”

While development went relatively smoothly once Bridges green-lighted the show, it was mired with some controversy. A handful of scholars, who were consulted on the program early in its conception became upset with the content which was considered somewhat inappropriate and not relevant to a normal way of life. 4 is Enough! screenwriter Abdul Haqq refuted those notions pointing to other parts of the world where marriage to more than one woman was condoned and accepted.

“It perhaps doesn’t share a common theme with most Americans. But neither did Knight Rider and look how deep people got with that show.” Haqq also dismissed the so-called delusional realism of the subject matter asserting it had more credibility than other sitcoms. “Oh, you think our show is off the wall ? What about Full House? You really thought a single dad, his best friend and brother in-law were going to raise 3 girls in a single home? Give me a break.”

4 is Enough! revolves around main character Dr. Mukhtar Salah, a 30-something pediatrician who doesn’t like kids and gets into a lot of unwanted problems through the trials and tribulation of dealing with 4 wives, each with their own unique personality. “There’s a lot of hi-jinks Mukhtar goes through,” Haqq said laughingly. “I mean he’s got one wife who can’t cook and wants to constantly travel and another who owns a pet store and wants to have kids. Plus he’s got a neighbor that’s a bachelor, kind of like Larry on Three’s Company who’s always getting him into trouble. But honestly, Vin and Diesel! Hilarious.”

The Council of Islamic Foundations in North America (CIFNA) released a statement on behalf of its leadership that it will protest the show and would look to organize a boycott. “CIFNA is not fond of a program which represents Islam in this light. Just about all Muslims on this continent and elsewhere are happily married with one spouse under the civil institution of marriage. Moreover, cats cannot use words such as ‘Eh’ nor do they enjoy coffee from Tim Hortons.”

Bridges Network have not commented to the slight negative reaction, but are listening to feedback from some Muslim cable subscribers who are unsupportive of the show. “There definitely is a little concern,“ said Hannah Masood, Vice-President of Programming. “At the same time, people need to realize we need to make money. We don’t have a Keeping Up with the Kardashians on this network so we have to be open-minded, maybe take a stroll down an alternative but respectful path.”

“It really is a show about nothing,” said Mustafa. “Other than a man who has 4 wives and talking cats, its really just a simple slice of Americana.” A spokesperson for Bridges said they will decide on whether to extend the show after the first 6 episodes based on ratings and advertisers, but for now, all signs indicate that a one year deal will most likely be completed.

Nov 282013

Tween Takes a Gamble on Obscure Hadith-Winds up in Hospital Emergency Room

By Nazia Ali

fly hadith minnesota emergency room joke satire article newsMinneapolis, MN—In an attempt to impress friends, a 13 year-old boy dunked a fly into his drink then drank it to demonstrate the validity of a reputable but rather uncanny Hadith, only to be rushed to an emergency room 30 minutes later in what was a respiratory allergic reaction to traces of insect microorganisms.

Saad Bashiri, a 7th grade student from the Minneapolis suburb of Bloomington, was taken to Fairview Southdale Hospital after trying to prove he would be perfectly fine by adding a fly topping to his vanilla milkshake. Not surprisingly, the crowd of more than a dozen onlookers cheered him on as he proceeded to drown the insect into the cup, taking it out, then quickly finishing off the tasty beverage.

“What I can recollect from his muttering when the paramedics brought him in was he couldn’t believe how gangster a little fly was,” explained Chief Medical Doctor, Gabe Kotter. “They are in fact, lethal bitches.”

“He just took the shake down man!” laughed Bashiri’s friend, Sameer Haniyeh. “He even told us that if you see a fly in your house, don’t kill it, but take it for a dip in your favorite Capri Sun!” Haniyeh stated that about 10 minutes after the stunt, while Bashiri was getting high-fives, his face went white. Bashiri then grabbed his stomach, fell to the floor and went into a convulsion. That’s when Haniyeh knew something wasn’t right. “I dialed 911 as fast as possible. Common sense is going to tell you that he’s probably going to get sick.”

The Hadith (Hadiths are defined as traditions containing proverbs of the Prophet Muhammad) in inquiry stems from supposed collective sources which state if a housefly falls into the drink of an individual, the person should immerse it in the liquid then remove it, as one of the wings “has the disease and the other has the cure.” While a handful of contemporary scholars have validated the authenticity of the saying, none have ever made the attempt to pull it off.

“Oh, ya—don’t think I would ever want drink anything after a fly has been in it ya know,” said Dr. Hans Andersen, a Muslim convert, who spent 20 years studying Islamic theology at Al-Azhar in Cairo, later pursuing a Doctorate in Religion at Duke University. Andersen scoffed at the idea of taking the hadith literally, knowing well that flies carry the viruses of numerous diseases. He added only children with a certain level of stupidity should experiment in such health risks. “You betcha that this kid wanted to basically eat a fly and then tell his pals that it’s no big deal. Epic failure.”

“He’s always doing crazy stuff,” said Bashiri’s older sister Maaria. “I mean one week he’s trying to learn how to Dougie. The next week he’s trying to get on the roof with a trampoline. This week he decided to drink a fly. He’s thirteen. What do you want from him?”

Bashiri said he was inspired after catching the tail-end of a Friday sermon, in which the speaker said to live up to the actions of Hadiths. “He kind of, in his own way egged me on,” said Bashiri, despite no reports the speaker in question, Sheikh Waleed Abbas, ever coerced him.

Abbas, who was told about the incident, closed his eyes and put his hands over his face when he heard of the incident, exclaiming he perhaps needs to tone down the pep rally each time he brings up something which could perhaps sound a little dangerous.

“It’s like I need to put a disclaimer out there, the way they do in action commercials, which says in bold Do Not Attempt Stunt,” the Sheikh said. “It’s bizarre what people are willing to do.”


Nov 222013

Sunday School Teacher Tries to Show Foolishness Playing the Lottery, Wins Big Time—Not Giving Up the Money

By Nazia Ali

Florida 2 lotteryJupiter, FL— A Muslim Sunday School teacher, who attempted to demonstrate the stupidity of playing the Florida State Lottery, won $15 million last Saturday night, when all numbers on his ticket hit.

Sameer Bashiri, a resident of Jupiter and an electrical engineer for Siemens, went wild according to his wife, after the last number, which happened to be 18, popped out of the ping pong ball air machine. “He could not stop screaming,” Mona Bashiri said.”It was as if someone lit his boxers on fire.” Mrs. Bashiri said her husband completely became hysterical and started talking to the ticket after he settled down, caressing and calling it his baby.

Bashiri, 56, who volunteered as a history teacher for 10th grade students at the Islamic Center of Palm Beach (ICPB) had been a fervent opponent of gambling especially with the lottery which Bashiri called the “Devil’s Slot Machine.” In July of this year, as an act of defiance, Bashiri refused to teach Hussein Rehab, a student who was given a lottery ticket from his older brother, even though no one, not even Rehab believed he had a chance to win. According to the New York Times, the odds of winning a 6 draw power ball lottery are 1 in 175 million. While Rehab did not win, he was suspended from the class, as Bashiri was adamant of having no association with a degenerate.

Last Sunday afternoon, Bashiri walked with his students to a local 7-Eleven, purchased a lottery ticket for $1 then went on to admonish the dangers of gambling and its prohibition in Islam. He then rambled on to point out how a small piece of paper made people act crazy and tense because they believed they would become rich. When one student asked what he would do if he were to win, Bashiri laughed and said according to multiple sources, “there’s no way I’m going to win—but if I did, I will donate all the money to some non-Muslim charity.”

However, at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Bashiri’s lawyer, Vince Riablo, said his client has no intention of giving up the money. When told of the ICPB’s board threat to remove Bashiri from his position as a teacher if he does not surrender his winnings, Riablo confirmed Bashiri wasn’t concerned at all. “Yeah, I don’t think he gives a shit.”

21 year-old Sumaiya, Bashiri’s oldest daughter, said her father’s new multi-millionaire status has put him on a  bender, which has included purchasing a Yacht, a Llama, owning all the publishing music rights to Florida hard-rock band Creed and partying with Lebron James. “If anyone wants to see my dad, they just have to turn on the television and watch the Miami Heat games. He sits on the bench with all the players. I would say its an understatement to say he’s having the time of his life.”

So far whereabouts of Bashiri have been unsubstantiated but reports had relocated to Ibiza where he plans to start a new career as a DJ.

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

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Nov 142013

Jinns of Pakistan Enter Therapy after Latest Polls Show Decline in Paranormal Sightings

By Qaiser Sosse


Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Imam Kamran Mallick consoles a teenage Jinn going through a time of not being accepted.

Karachi, Pakistan—A new study released today by the Berkeley Psychic Institute cited an increase number of Jinns are requiring therapy at treatment centers due to the decline of supernatural observations in Pakistan.

The study, which also conducted a survey of Jinn stories and its impact on society, found almost 23% of Pakistanis have started to scoff paranormal accounts using rational judgment to explain haunted houses and devil possessed individuals.

However, Jinns in Pakistan have recently been critical of the international intellectual community and its rejection to unexplained occurrences. Humans who claim to have seen cats suspended in air, little kids walking through walls and demonic exorcisms have unanimously been declared by scientists, as mentally insane. This has led to a growing frustration by Jinns,who have protested the allegations, but alarmingly have also required counseling from both Jinn and human counselors to boost their confidence.

“This is bullshit! Every little thing has to be questioned with some form of logic!” hollered Jezwan, a male Jinn who has been living for nearly 2000 years in Lahore’s Defense district. “Who else is slamming your windows and opening up refrigerator doors?!”

“It’s becoming an epidemic, one in which we don’t have a definitive answer,” said Imam Kamran Mallick. Mallick, known throughout South Asia as a skilled exorcist having “saved” the souls of over 300 people, said Jinns are having a tough time with what he calls a paranormal recession. “This entire week my staff has been taking a lot of calls from Jinns who are depressed. We’ve had a number of them come in and say they just don’t want to live anymore. It’s been tough. Plus its hurting my business.”

“We take offense to such tasteless and decrepit reports,” said Gwara, executive Chair-jinn for Jinns of a United Pakistan to a thunderous applause that no humans heard. “While we understand some will never accept the actions we do within the realms of earthly dimensions, they can’t base everything on common sense.” Her words echoed the younger demographic of Jinns who have been finding it tougher to enter a market in which humans are not believing Jinn stories and accounts of them taking the form of men, women, trees and animals.

Last week, another organization, The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Jinns (NAACJ) held a press conference at the National Art Gallery in Islamabad to try and set the record straight with the “so-called” circumstantial evidence that has been causing controversy.

“How can they not assume the noise in their attic isn’t us?” said Quidonar, Communications Director for the NAACJ. “Scientists want you to believe we can never interact with humans. They think our ability to touch and feel, to hear and see is limited within the confines of our own world. They don’t want us to integrate. This is racism, classicism and eroticism!”  Quidonar blamed books and technology for causing the recent troubles, citing education as a massive problem for the Jinn movement. “It’s been hard to deal with people who utilize their brains to assume our lack of participation.”

Despite such issues from many Jinns, the Berkeley report did state that more than 75% of Pakistanis still believed in paranormal activity, while over 50% felt they had a home haunted. Dr. Jazzwa, a jinn and Professor of Human skepticism at Gozer University, feels very comfortable with those numbers.

“It basically tells you Pakistanis are still believers of us and don’t want to use scientific hypothesis as the basis for believing in the obvious,” said Jazzwa who believes things will soon turn around. “Thank God for the Taliban. Because of their diligent efforts in trying to shoot children who attend school, burning down libraries and firm stance against vital information sources such as the Internet, I believe it won’t be long before we see a rise of more Jinn stories from this country,” said a teary-eyed Jazza. “They’re my heroes.”

Nov 082013

Houston Imam Gets Hooked, Cooked and Fried in Unbelievable Catfish Hoax

By Farookh Balsarah 

Houston, TX—Move over Manti Te’o. You’ve got company.

imam in shock after MTV show Catfish shows up at his doorA prominent young and upcoming Imam who was hailed as the Hamza Yusuf of his generation has taken an indefinite leave of absence from chaplain duties at his mosque after a popular television program discovered the alleged woman he met online and planned to marry, turned out to be a 48 year-old male Pakistani cab driver from Chicago.

Faisal Kazmi, the Imam at the Islamic Society of The Woodlands, an affluent suburb of Houston, was in shock when the staff of Catfish, the wildly successful MTV show which investigates suspicious predators of online dating, showed up at his house with the bad news that the beautiful and good-hearted girl of Oakbrook, Illinois he met through a friendly internet chat was in fact, Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla, of West Rogers Park, Chicago.

Said Boatwalla laughing hysterically , “this was the greatest prank I have ever pulled off in my life! I can’t tell you how many Facebook friend requests I’ve gotten since last week. How do you you like them apples!”


Hamid “Boats” Boatwalla– I’ve made so many friends as a result of this prank!

“This is super embarrassing” an emotional Kazmi said. “I thought she was real. We had plans to get married, start a family and lecture one other. I can’t believe it was some dude who drives taxis. I got totally catfished.”

“He was pretty devastated,” said Quinn Halliday, associate producer of Catfish, who indicated Kazmi, 25, started to sweat profusely when the findings report was disclosed. “I thought he was going to faint.”

The story began almost 6 months ago when Kazmi was on a WebEx forum explaining Islamic banking with a group of Muslims. One individual, a person by the name of Shakka Khan from Dallas, was very eager to listen to him.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first and was flattered that this Muslim woman was asking me all these questions on Islamic mortgages, which personally makes no sense to me, but was doing my best to provide her with information” said a still devastated Kazmi smoking a Newport. “It felt great to be important and people can count on your knowledge for spiritual guidance.” Eventually, both Kazmi and Shakka exchanged contact information which soon matured into emails, swapping photos and online chats. According to Kazmi, it felt real. “I can’t tell you how excited I was about all of this.”


The first picture sent from Shakka Khan to Kazmi.

Kazmi acknowledged that texting and tweeting soon turned into phone calls. “She had the sweetest voice,” he cringed. “If your back was turned and he sang  “Single Ladies”, you would swear that it was Beyonce.”

After 7 weeks, the Houston native and graduate of Baylor decided he was ready to take it to the next step requesting to meet her several times in some public setting. But Shakka allegedly was shy and did not want to rush into things. Kazmi needed help. He decided to seek out his Uncle for advice. “I told him that I love Shakka! He told me that he did too. I was confused with his comment until he told me about Shakka Khan, the popular 80s platinum R&B artist. And then it just hit me.”

With the help of some friends, Kazmi decided to contact the producers of Catfish, who were intrigued by the story.  “Quinn [Halliday] and I just looked at each other and we kind of knew where this was going,” said Michael Olsen, co-producer. “Shakka Khan-wow.” After conducting some research and internet forensics, the Catfish crew tracked down the cabbie to be the originator of the hoax.

Boatwalla, who proudly confessed to the prank couldn’t believe how long the gag lasted. “I’m baffled man. I mean here’s a guy who obviously is smart, grounded and very disciplined. Love is truly blind.”

Oct 242013


by Sameer Khalil

most interesting man in the world is muslimManhattan, NY – In a shocking announcement that left viewers stunned, surprised, thrilled, and in disbelief, the world’s most interesting man announced that he is, in fact, a Muslim.

Thousands of curious fans had waited for hours in anticipation of “The Announcement,” a nationally televised event announcing the religious background of the internationally renowned figure. Fans from across the globe packed New York’s Times Square with giddy enthusiasm awaiting his message on the jumbo screen.

Tony Antalucci, 23, visited from nearby Brooklyn to be part of the excitement, “Hey, yo, I dig his style” said an amped up Antalucci. “The man is a legend, so whatever he’s got goin’ on, I wanna piece of it.”

Some travelled from across the country, merely to be in his presence. “I heard HE was in town.”  said Ms. Lisa Ferrari, 37, a socialite from Scottsdale, AZ. I have often thought of him. I stopped by Zainab Bazaar to dress in modest Islamic clothing as well as the traditional head scarf to greet him properly. Um, do you think I am very beautiful? Perhaps among the four most beautiful women in the world?”

While there had been speculation towards his spiritual inclination, there was no certainty. Las Vegas bookies had to continually re-write the odds as experts, pundits, and commentators constantly changed their predictions. Finally, at 8:00pm, the crowd became awestruck as the image of their intriguing hero appeared, rather appropriately, larger than life.

The answer was not revealed right away. Instead, “World,” as he is known, was thoughtful and reflective in explaining his spiritual logic. “We live in a diverse world, and America is a microcosm of the diverse cultures and religions” he said. “I put some thought and did some research before selecting my religion” he added, as the tune from his famous TV commercial continually played in the background.

“My initial thoughts were of Christianity and then Judaism. But those are way too mainstream. I needed to keep a step ahead. While traveling the world, I was exposed to many different faiths–Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, to name a few. Some were interesting but too obscure. Others were just exotic enough for my image. After considering many factors, I felt Buddhism might be a perfect fit. Then I returned and found it was too late. Buddhism has been quite trendy for a while.

World’s spiritual journey continued to struggle. “I had difficulty finding that perfect harmony that would keep my image full of intrigue. I could not find a clear answer but felt comfortable with agnosticism. It was just elusive enough to keep people guessing. But then, those agnostics got annoying with all of their uncertainty about everything. One fool even had the audacity to question if I was, in fact, the most interesting man in the world!

Just as I had given up hope, I found Islam. This time, I approached it with wisdom and perspective. It had all the ingredients I was seeking. The image was edgy, controversial, and exotic. Over a billion followers, yet full of intrigue. Nobody would stop talking about Islam–in a good OR bad way. Whatever happens, people will always wonder ‘where does world stand ‘on this or that issue.’ Now that’s great staying power! “

The crowd cheered wildly. The excitement was not so much about his religious choice. Rather, they were thrilled to see more than 30 seconds of the World’s Most Interesting Man without having to record endless TV shows, then fast forwarding their DVR’s to the each Dos Equis commercial.

However, not everyone shared in the enthusiasm. Billy Joe Coyle, 43, travelled from Huntsville, AL after hearing speculation about World’s religious beliefs. “Now look, I’m an open minded guy!” said a visibly frustrated Coyle. “I didn’t say nothin when them Moslems moved into my town. Not even when they built a mosque. But now, they went too doggone far. ‘World’ is a great American! They can’t take him from us.”

As the event concluded, a spokesperson for “World” confirmed he has parted ways with Dos Equis as a sponsor and noted that brands across the globe have since pursued an affiliation with his image. Apparently, “World” is considering a pitch from an international airlines, “ I don’t always fly, but when I do, I prefer Emirates.” No date has been given for a sponsorship decision.


Oct 162013


By Farookh Balsarah

Orlando, FL—Six girls ages 15 to 17 were arrested this morning after an organized flash mob orchestrated moments after the Eid Prayers turned chaotic when a handful of elderly men decided to shut it down.

hijabi girl arrested eidSisters Raila and Naznene Khan, Hoda Al-Kartawi, Hayat Katranji, Leila Yusuf, and Samreen Majeed, all sophomores and juniors at Lakeland High school were charged with disturbing the peace after they began a choreographed dance to Carli Jensen’s smash hit of 2012 “Call Me Maybe.” The girls, who all wore hijab, decided to conduct a flash mob once they researched that dance, according to a small hadith from 9th-century Islamic scholar, from Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, who referenced the Prophet and one of his wives observing a group of Abyssinian Christians performing a modest dance inside a mosque, and watched without objection.

“I don’t see what the problem is!” said Yusuf, an honors student, who was crying along with the other “conspirators” as they were handcuffed by Orlando Police. “It says that it’s OK to dance! Eid is so boring—what is wrong with bringing a little joy to it?” She went on to refer the majority of scholars who cite the Hanbal hadith say it permits dancing so long as there is no alcohol, no gender mixing, and not doing it excessively. “Muslims never read the fine print! All they want to do is to cut it up and keep things as vanilla as possible. What is wrong with you people?!”

The Eid Prayers, held bi-annually at the Jama masjid, began at its usual time of 9:00 am and concluded an hour later. Apparently there was no notification of post festivities as people started to quietly make their way from the hall and into the parking lot. 10 minutes later, “Call Me Maybe” came blaring from the public address speakers. Two girls with arms flailing made their way to the center of the crowd. After some stylistic syncopated moves which included numerous back-flips, the girls were joined by 8 others and the dance was in full force. While many applauded and cheered, some were incensed by the party atmosphere and decided to put an end to the show. Board member, Hassan Sheikh, appalled by the fun, screamed at the troupe, who paid no attention and kept dancing. The 63-year old looked for reinforcement and got it from Hamid Abdullah, also 63, who threatened the girls.

Witnesses heard Abdullah shout “I definitely don’t need your number—but MAYBE I’ll call the police!” He grabbed 2 of the girls by the arm and dragged them away while requesting his nephew to call 911. In a state of panic, the remaining girls broke off from the routine and were seen as very upset. Abdullah later confirmed he was infuriated by the shenanigans “What the hell were they thinking?”

“It’s tragic to see some sweet girls trying to add a little color to Eid-ul-Adha and yet it gets slammed down,” said Mariam Abassi, a dental assistant, who admitted that she was tapping her feet to the music and having a good time. Still, others took the side of Sheikh and were embarrassed by the situation and confused with the concept of a flash mob.

“If you want to make a mockery of Eid prayers, go right ahead,” said Principal Irfan Daudi of the Islamic Horizon Magnet school of Kissimmee. “Just don’t assume people are going to jump in and dance with you, especially to that song. They could have picked something better to twerk with.”Daudi later told reporters no charges would be filed in this case and the arrests were to serve as a deterrent to future acts of outrageous behaviors.