BREAKING NEWS: WWE Wrestling to take over, broadcast GOP Debates!
By Sameer Khalil
In a move widely applauded by the entertainment industry, WWE Wrestling announced it has acquired all rights to the GOP debates and will continue to produce many more as part of a new program. WWE will re-brand the debates as “GOP Commando” and feature the regular cast of Republican hopefuls far beyond the elections. Instead of verbal sparring behind podiums, the Republican contestants will do their trash talking inside the ring, while competing to see who can work the crowd into the biggest fury.
The move was a no brainer for WWE. “We realized that after the primaries, Americans wouldn’t get a chance to see GOP candidates ripping on each other again.” said WWE Spokesman John O’Tool. “And that would be a huge loss….sort of like “Springer” suddenly getting cancelled. Anyway, WWE is proud to bring these patriots back into American living rooms on a regular basis.The entertainment they provide is priceless.”
So far, WWE has reached agreements with Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Cristie, and Marco Rubio, among others. Talks with Donald Trump are still pending, however. The business moghul is trying to negotiate a deal which renames the show, “TRUMP’s GOP Commando” and makes him the focal point.
Republican favorite Sarah Palin has also signed on as the Ring Girl. Additionally, Palin will get each show started with her passionate, fiery rendition of WWE’s tag line: “ok folks, so are you READY TO RUMBLE?????”
Republican candidates—who don’t know the first thing about real war–can talk the talk with greater passion. Now, they can describe what they’ll do to ISIS, Obama, or immigrants who get in the way when they’re in charge!
The show will also feature actors to play President Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton. After Republican contestants have been trashing each other for a while, “GOP Commando” will bring out the democrats for a change of pace. GOP candidates can then form tag teams to “open a can of whoop ass” on their common foes. It’s also been rumored that WWE Commando is in negotiation with several leaders of ISIS to play evil caricature villains, who insult America, then get their asses kicked.
Fan response has been overwhelmingly positive. “Man, I love to get a few beers with the boys and rip on Obama,” said Archie Baker. “Blaming Obama and Hillary Clinton for life’s failures is what gets me through the day. I can’t wait to see Chris Christie body slam a liberal the way he destroyed Marco Rubio in that debate.
Fan Herb Updike agrees, “When Jeb Bush and Donald Trump was at it, that really fired me up! That was a hell of a slugfest…sorta like if Triple H took on The Undertaker. My wife and me was just glued to the TV, hollering “Jerry, Jerry.”
“It’s a brilliant programming move by WWE” says Media Analyst Charles Steele. “There are numerous parallels between the GOP debates and wrestling: excessive drama, an oversimplification of good and evil, and of course, resolving all problems with a good old fashioned ass kicking. There’s no question ‘GOP Commando’ will be a hit…and it might just produce our future President.